<%@LANGUAGE="JAVASCRIPT" CODEPAGE="65001"%> JANEY GODLEY - Scottish actress, comedienne, author, playwright & journalist

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Janey's Blogs - June 2004


janey godley
Posted: 21.55 June 01, 2004

had fun last night at the new act/material night in the Vault. Lovely to finally meet Ashley Freize and Michael McEwan both lovely guys.

Went with my nephew to see the new Harry Potter film. It was good fun but i am not a fan so I suppose it was wasted on me, at least no one beside us was trying to have sex...that was a bonus.

mac star
Posted: 22.19 June 01, 2004

Janey what about lil ole me ????

no mention of me last night.


janey godley
Posted: 23.46 June 01, 2004

I mentioned them because I had never met them before, I HAVE had you sitting in my living room...

well not actually 'Had' you in a sexual way....

well ok then MACSTAR was there last night as well.

Ok needy needy boy! (hehehehe)

Ok tomorrow I will have decent story to blog...tonight is just mentions!


Grant
Posted: 00.36 June 02, 2004

Did the wee man get a goody bag? What was in them?


janey godley
Posted: 01.03 June 02, 2004

Yes he did get a 'goody bag' at the BAFTA screening, it contained an apple juice, packet of maltesers and a packet of plain crisps!

It is always good to get something free, I much prefer the goody bags at the BAFTA'S, last year we got beautiful Frank Usher shoulder wraps and lovely make up and one year I got an amazing hand bag and I did get to see Russell Crowe's cock! Great Freebie!

It has been a long week. I feel a bit odd about life in general. I am not coping with Ashley leaving school and going into the big world.

The diet is going great and i feel better, wish i could stop dreaming though, the images are making my days hard and difficult to deal with mentally.

Last Night I was back in my old bar talking to Sammy (my cousin whom i was very close to and whom died of infected heroin in 2000) I could see the shine in his hair, we talked in depth about my attitude toward my husband and laughed about how Ashley is taller than him now. I could hardly take my eyes off him, his slim face and big smile that always cheered me up kept me mesmerised.
I told him how I missed my mammy and he laughed with me as we chatted about how crazy my mammy was, he too was very close to her, his own parents had killed themselves in the 80's and he had lived with us most of his adult life. I turned to tell him a funny thing and immediately I was looking at my ceiling, I could hear the postman shove mail through my letter box and my brain jolted at the realisation of being awake.

My heart slunk low into my stomach, Sammy? where was he? if I went back to sleep quickly would he be there waiting on me?

No he was dead.

I had been dreaming and yet again I let the sleep trance lie to my soul, i let it make me believe he was reachable.....

he was dead.

I was awake.

Great...just fucking great...i love being alive and awake.

Sometimes I think if i stay with them in sleep would that mean i was dead?

Who knows..?

Please God tonight no dreams.


Grant
Posted: 01.19 June 02, 2004

I was going to ask Jo for a goody bag - but she gave me a, "Don't you dare ask for a goody bag and deprive some kid" look.

I think I'll be dreaming of werewolves tonight. As I've been having some strange dreams recently too then werewolves might be a pleasant relief. :-\


Komal
Posted: 01.28 June 02, 2004

Janey Godley, you are fucking brilliant. Most blogs are shit. I just discovered and read yours from start to finish and have hung my head in shame at my own. I thought I was open and honest but goddamn, I've only been playing at it. You are the Real Deal and you have inspired me to get my ass in gear and do some REAL writing and stop pussyfooting around.

Please please keep at it and if anyone tells you to stop, tell them to write their own and stay off your site if they don't like it.


janey godley
Posted: 01.32 June 02, 2004

i am trying to be very honest in the blog. My act is very honest and I like my comedy to be 'truth'.

Thanks again for lovely comments.


janey godley
Posted: 11.34 June 02, 2004

Finally got the car's new insurance documents.

Last week I tried to pay for tax on my car with the other insurance documents that were almost due up by two days, i went to local post office where weirdly EVERYONE that works there has really bright RED hair! Even the Asian man that owns it ! (beat that)

Anyway the red haired freckly girl told me she cannot sell me a new tax disc with insurance documents that are due up in a couple of days.

"I am waiting on the new ones coming through, but my tax is due up" I explain to redhaired people.

Red Hair person "Yes but I cannot let you buy tax disc for something that is not going to be insured in three days time"

Me-"Well listen red haired person, it wont be un insured as the documents are coming throo the post, why would i buy a tax disc if i was a fucking insurance evader?"

Red haired person-"Get out of my shop and stop calling me redhaired person"

So finally today my documents are here so redhaired person will be annoyed when i step in with them ha ha ha!

Was happy this morning as I had good dreams, I dreamt i was floating on warm water all the way round the lazy river in Disneyland florida (a water park I loved when I used to take Ashley there) the sun was beating down on me as I slolwy flaoted and drtifted on the cool water...it was lovely...Yah the dream givers were nice to me at last....warm water and no DEAD people!


janey godley
Posted: 22.50 June 02, 2004

Had a nice day with my daughter, we went a long walk and chatted and just had some fun. After lunch we came home and decided to clear out her room, all school stuff can go now. She has loads of books and paper work that is now redundant.

I had to buy all her books for all her courses so i kept them all for her to resell at school. She says she can sell them onto to the fifth year students that are doing the courses she has done.

She kept out her uniform as she still has to wear it until end of term. It looks a bit mad now seeing her in it she came into my room yesterday just before she left for school and shouted as she stood there in her blazer and skirt
"This is just porn now..come on look at me for God's sake"

I laughed at her and told her to stop being silly. Her wee school friend came to pick her up in her new BMW sports car that she drives to school! I could just see the early morning traffic drivers doing double takes as two young girls one blonde one brunette dressed in school uniforms, smoking and speeding in a sports car!

Ah! Youth is wasted on the young...that quote is very true, Ashley cant wait to grow up and leave and get a boyfriend and get a job and be an actress and..and..she just cant wait.

If only she could see that these years may be the most carefree and fun times she will have, before resonsiblity, mortgages, debts and working to pay credit card bills kicks in.

She is sitting in her room as I type and is trying to work out which teddy bears need to go and which ones will stay.

Hopefully she will do that with the men in her life and dont do what I did and marry the first one that asks.

Teenage brides are not natural, its not fun and should be illegal.

I have been married nearly 25 years...most of my friends are married 4 or 5 years!

Never mind at least I have someone who doesn't need constant explaining or constant reminding.

 


Janey godley
Posted: 11.24 June 03, 2004

Ok that last post about me having been married for 25 years is good coz I have someone who doesnt need constant reminding or explaining? UTTER SHITE!

I had to constantly remind him this morning to take down the bins for me, to not wake me at 7am again (i dont need to get up at that time) I also had to remind him to stop playing the radio loud and ALL night as I dont fucking like Westway on radio 4, I had to constantly explain to him that Ashley is sitting her Psychology Advanced Higher today and he was to make sure he was not annoying her as she got up for school...( he thinks she enjoys suprises and games at that time in the morning, yes when she was 5 she did, now she just wants to have a fag and get to school)

So after I shouted at him for an hour......

I think I should come with a manual ( i dont mean sex manual ok!)

My "How to work Janey" Manual would read..

Fig i . Always tell janey she is slim and has nice skin, especially when asking for sex, dont ever ever grab at the roll of flab just above her knicker line, if you do then refer to troubleshooting at back of this manual. (then run for cover)

fig ii. When trying to sleep, keep noise and conversation to a minimum, Janey hates noise unless she is making it, If you ignore this and shouting starts, again refer to troubleshooting at back of book (and sleep in living room)

fig iii. When asking for dinner, always remember Janey does not like cooking unless she is cooking something she likes and more often than not it will not include a portion for you. If you try to eat off her plate, well again refer to troubleshooting page at back. ( Better still cook yourself)

fig iv. Never ever leave the living room a mess for Janey to get up to in the morning, despite her hatred of mornings she can and will get up before you leave and scream and phyisically make you hoover (one hand on your throat one hand one yours as you hoover, it can be done).

Fig v. When she screams in her sleep, remember she may be talking to dead people and will need hugs in the morning...but not sex, it could have been dreams of the sexual abuse she suffered and you will feel like a bastard when she explains this as you try to lick her neck.

Troubleshooting page.. RUN LIKE THE WIND AND DONT LOOK BACK< SHE CAN FIRE A GUN!


janey godley
Posted: 12.26 June 03, 2004

just a quick thanks to all who PM me and emailed me about this BLOG, i am really touched by some of the messages sent and a big thanks to those who are passing it onto others who dont log onto Chortle!

I have three emails today from as far as South Africa and two from USA...
thanks


janey godley
Posted: 17.24 June 03, 2004

Had such a giggle today on the underground tube ride with my nephew Shaun.

I had been booked for a gig to do at a big glasgow Hotel for Breast cancer charity.

Whilst I was with Shaun they called to cancel the night as they could not sell enough tickets to support the costs of the dinner etc..

I turned to Shaun and said " remind me when i get home to log into the diary and mark that the breast cancer gig is cancelled"

He is only seven, he looked at me with his big inquistive brown eyes through his rather strong spectacles and answered.."What?"

I realised that it was too much information for him to take in so i just said
"Remind me that charity gig is cancelled when we get to my house eh?"

The wee boy smiled and told me "I will reminded you no worries Aunty Janey"

We had been back at my house and had tea and then just as we were heading to his home on the underground tube, Shaun turned in horror and shouted "Aunty Janey I forgot to remember your breast cancer has been cancelled !"

Everyone on the tube looked at me with wide eyes Shaun continued telling me with his wee hands upturned and his big eyes pleading with me to recall what he was talking about

"Remember your breast cancer is not going to happen you have to put it in your diary"

I tried hard not to laugh out loud and assured him I remembered.

"But did you fix your computer diary then? Does that mean you will be doing cancer somewhere else that night... will you aunty Janey?"

It took me at least five minutes to explain cancer was a disease and comedy was a job. Shaun just nodded and the minute we got off the tube to walk to his house, he asked me at least 300 questions about cancer/death/people in my family who are dead (loads wee man! I told him)/was it cancer that killed them? (no usually drugs, alchohol or murder, but this I did not explain)
then it went like this..

Shaun-"Will I be old when you die?"

Me-"Dont know hope so!"

Shaun-"Do you know anyone who died in a plane crash?"

Me - "No why?"

Shaun- "Well i might know someone"

Me -"who?"

Shaun-"Well you fly a lot, so if your plane crashed then I will know someone who died in a plane crash"

Ok so at that I rushed the walk into a run and finally got him home before he decided if me dying in a fire ball or a plane crash or a bomb blast was the best way for me to die.

Now I appreciate Ashley being 18 and am happy I dont have to answer all those wierd and absurd questions that seven year olds seem to loves asking.

Wee weird dude, though I do love him!


janey godley
Posted: 00.25 June 04, 2004

spent the whole day shaving my legs and armpits, and decided to try to wax my own bikini line.

well all the products in BOOTS are there so it must possible.

I bought these big ready made wax strips and lay them out on the floor all set to get to it..until I realised that i cant really see past my boobs that well and there was no way I was going to guess at this fucking job! So i moved all the stuff into the bedroom at the mirror and went ahead as planned. I duly stuck a wax strip on the top of my leg/crotch. I then pulled it and fell backwards screaming...fucking hell how painful is this job?

In my haste to get the job done I kinda randomly stuck the strips and had to yank them off quick before i needed CRACK to stem the pain. The result is a very bruised and slighty bleeding bikini/vaginal area...I look like I was molested by Fu Man Chu and his big evil nails or possibly kicked in the fanny by an angry cow witha big deformed hoof.

I sat on the floor dabbing at bits with the soothing lotion when Ashley came bursting into the room to tell me how she got on at her Psychology exam.

"Mum what the hell are you doing...ARGHH..yuk..please put that away!" she screamed.

"I was trying to wax my bikini line and I think i went too far and it really fucking hurts!" i howled.

She looked at me and said "I am NEVER EVER getting that done, why are you doing it? You always looked like a wee gorilla...it was ok before eh? do you have a boyfriend or something?"

I decided that boredom drove me to this, I have too much time on my hands.
I stood up and the pain is really bad, I walk around scratching and chaffing...Mmmmm sexy!

I am never doing this again, it can grow down to my knees for all I care, that was as painful as getting my tits jammed in a door.

Home beauty therapy is all well and good but now I really need a fag, chocolate and an epidural.

I dont even look good!


Nick P
Posted: 10.01 June 04, 2004

Janey, can you adopt me? Okay, I know 31 is a little old for adoption, but I want a mum as cool as you...


janey godley
Posted: 11.58 June 04, 2004

I really dont want anymore kids but thanks!


janey godley
Posted: 12.31 June 04, 2004

well today I feel better in the crotch department. The rash has cooled but the bruising is still awful. I hope i dont get run over and have to go to hospital with a purple and red vag.

Ashley is off school for exam leave. Her Psychology exam seemed to go well, she is pleased and hopes she passed.

Because it is the last weeks of her schooling, she went in wearing the wrong school tie, coz she had sold hers as it was a "special award tie for services to music" that she won last year but doesnt care about now. She was wearing Glasgow Academy school tie she got from a mate. Luckily the Janitor of her school keeps a spare tie aside and she borrows it on a daily basis...Hail to all the good Jannie's in the world! She tells me on her last day there, she is going to go round telling all the teachers she hates to "Go get Fucked"
but then she realised that she should never do this as it just shows how immature she is.

I remember my last day of school, it was on my 16th birthday. I knew i did not have to stay as legally you only need to be educated till aged 16. I left without any qualifications, I had needed cash and needed to work. I actually left school because i had no shoes to wear! I only had a pair of brown suede desert boots and they looked stupid with a grey school skirt and we were not allowed trousers. I dont regret it now, but i do wish i had been more educated at times. Over the years I studied at night school and read lots to try to make up for it all.

Well its a sunny day and not one for bemoaning lack of knowledge...one for walking and sitting with friends eating & laughing...


candysox
Posted: 16.13 June 04, 2004

Is it just me or does anyone else struggle to give a shit about what Janey Godley does with her life. Who cares what this talentless comedy magpie gets up to. Instead of being out gigging like any other comedian she sits day in day out writing this shit for the entertainment of nobody.

Why doesn't she use this time to write some decent original material and she might even get a gig somewhere.

Candysox




janey godley
Posted: 16.16 June 04, 2004

well done candysox..at last someone with the balls to talk up..nice to see this is your first ever posting. And you chose to slag me off! Good on ya mate!


birdy
Posted: 16.18 June 04, 2004

Yeah, I think we should burn Janey as a witch - all this truth is really starting to make me THINK.


coolio
Posted: 16.20 June 04, 2004

fuck off! that's really harsh! I like reading this thread. You wanker!




HazelHumph
Posted: 16.23 June 04, 2004

Quote (coolio @ 16.20 June 04, 2004)
fuck off! that's really harsh! I like reading this thread. You wanker!

Birdy is joking here (which you'd guess if you saw his appreciative postings on this thread). I think cottonsox (*edit - sorry candysox - I can't read) is joking too, but don't know for sure.

By the way Nick - get in line. If Janey's gonna adopt anyone I want it to be me.

Hazel "No Mum aw" Humphreys


janey godley
Posted: 16.25 June 04, 2004

Coolio. dont get upset,

I wrote on here and put myself up for critisism, if i dont want people to verbally attack me then I should never go on stage or write. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, thats why we live in a democracy, so please no fighting or shouting.!!

Candysox joined Chortle forum and first posted about me...thats an honour, think about it, someone joined just to slag me!

Wow!

No worried the blog will continue and leave candysox alone.


candysox
Posted: 16.30 June 04, 2004

Don't flatter yourself, Janey. I had to write as I enjoy reading these forums and you keep getting in the way with your non-stop shit. Nobody gives two fucks about you. And if you're one of those who writes to say they enjoy reading Janey's diary then you must have a fucking sad sad life with absolutely fuck all in it.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE stop boring us on a regular basis.

Candysox



coolio
Posted: 16.30 June 04, 2004

fair enough janey, but it's such a nice thread, it seemed a bit harsh!!!



Nick P
Posted: 16.33 June 04, 2004

The pseudonym, registering today,etc. It's somebody already present hiding behind a false name in order to be a cowardly twat. F**k 'em.


janey godley
Posted: 16.33 June 04, 2004

Nice Candysox great your second post is also about me...fuck trust me I am flattered!

Well done !

If you dont like it, then dont read it, but i do appreciate your comments and as always may not like what you say but will defend your right to say it!
Thanks.


HazelHumph
Posted: 16.35 June 04, 2004

Don't flatter yourself, Candysox. I had to write as I enjoy reading these forums and you keep getting in the way with your non-stop shit. Nobody gives two fucks about you. And if you're one of those who writes to say they enjoy reading Candysox's posts then you must have a fucking sad sad life with absolutely fuck all in it.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE stop boring us on a regular basis.

And here's a little heart

(sorry it's my billionth post I wanted you to feel more important.)

*edit - looking forward to more blog and will try not to post too much on here.


candysox
Posted: 16.36 June 04, 2004

And my third posting too. And don't give me that pseudo-lefty hypocrisy. It doesn't suit you.%-)




birdy
Posted: 16.37 June 04, 2004

Quote (candysox @ 16.13 June 04, 2004)
comedy magpie

what's one of those?


janey godley

nice Candysox...look at how much you are adding to my blog that you so hate but cant seem to get away from! Bless!

Pseudo- lefty...nice!

How you know me so well....

Thanks for your comments I do appreciate them as always!


janey godley
Posted: 16.42 June 04, 2004

Anyway enough of the bitching the blog will continue later on tonight. Thanks all..


mac star
Posted: 17.37 June 04, 2004

Just gotta let you all know, i have a verbal agreement with Janey, i am the first to be adopted, and first in line if anything should happen to her husband,

Can anyone tell me how to cut break lines ?

Candysox, is that like peadophile footwear for little boys ??

if so i want 2 dozen.

Mac

p.s. Ashley is just as nice and funny, 18 and available and i hear a virgin lol, need another verbal contract


janey godley
Posted: 17.48 June 04, 2004

Thank everyone for jumping to my defence and subtley trying to point out who they think the person is..

trust me, it's cool

not only did he cause a wee bit of controversy (which is always good in any business!)

but i now have loads of supportive emails from people urging me to keep going!

Thanks everyone will blog tonight..


janey godley
Posted: 19.45 June 04, 2004

well that was an exciting day by all accounts!

Was scouring shops all day to find a dress to wear to a mates wedding. I never seem to suit dress's as i am short with a fat ass and big boobs which makes me look like a flowery munchkin in a frock! Finally gave in and have decided to wear the same dress i have been wearing to BAFTA's for three years only alternating the shawl/wrap and shoes.

I remember buying that new BIOFORM bra that was a product invented by two engineers in aTV reality show, they managed to make a supportive bra for women with big boobs...it was sold in Marks & Spencers and I bought one to go under my dress for Bafta's two years ago.

I got dressed at Monica's ( my best mate who lives in London) The bra has two hard plastic scoop like reinforcers at each under side of the cup and when you put the bra on, your tits are perched right up under your chin practically! As I stood there with my boobs straight out and up, she gasped and said "Maybe a wee scarf over your top would help"

She was trying to be diplomatic but i was adamant and went off with the world biggest and highest tits!

It was quite surreal, i was not used to seeing them like that and spent the whole night looking down at my cleaveage. I was mesmerised by them, they were out and up like some one had erected scaffolding under them. As a woman you get to know how much space you take up as you move around, but with this new bra and these overly perched up tits, i was knocking over champgne bottles on the table every time i leaned over to shake hands with someone, at one point i actually said

"I am sorry my breasts seem to keep knocking things over, i am not used to them yet"

So after that occasion I threw the bra in the cupboard with the shoes that cut my heels. I think its safe to assume that a man could no really design a bra and thats me NOT being sexist, just stating that fact.

Got excited today as I saw my name on the list of comedy performers for Glastonbury...Hurrah...there is another Scot on the bill -Phil Kay!
Phil is lovely and i look forward to seeing him perform.

Am doing a gig in Paisley tommorrow, its been a while since i gigged there and am looking forward to it. I love Paisley.

Managed to get some nice auction prizes for the Grovepark Fund (remember the factory blast that happened?)

Well there is a good fundraiser at my local pub Wintersgills.

Ford Keirnan and Greg Hemphill (two guys on Chortle front page) who write and star in "Still Game" donated five DVDS all signed..well done!

Thanks again for reading the blog and enjoying it..
oh and ..

if you are reading this far and dont like it then here is a tip...
click off and go to another topic !!!!!

LOL!

Janey


janey godley
Posted: 16.16 June 05, 2004

With my current non smoking and diet regime, I (foolishly) agreed to go hillwalking with my husband. He often goes and i usually wave him off with a packed lunch and a smile.

"Come hillwalking, you will like it" he told me.

Me-" No"

Him " trust me its fun and you get to see amazing views and the noise of the city just fades, the silence is great"

Me-"Fuck off I like the noise of the city and silence scares me, I hear the lambs scream in the dark if the place is quiet!"

Eventually i agreed, I mean how hard can it be, I used to run 5 miles a day ten years ago and go on and do a ten hour shift in a pub! I am no weakling...ok my tits are bigger and my ass is heavier..but I can still get up and go!

We drove up to Dumgoyne and got out the car. There were loads of people pulling on boots and getting ready to go up "The Hill" that faced me. It looked more round than tall, so i felt ok about it.

Well five minutes into the "climb" I was sweating like a fat paedeophile at a Miss Kiddie USA pageant.

"I need to sit down for a minute" I gasped and let four Midgie flies bite me as I was too knackered to slap them.

"Come on, we have not actually started on the climb yet" smarmy arse shouted at me.

Well, i got up and trudged on and on , there were big fat cow pats covered in flies...Wot the fuck do cows eat to make that shit? Grass apparently! Jesus wot the fuck do vegetarians shit like? And how the hell do cows get UP this hill?

I was drenched in sweat as my knees started to buckle, I was breathing like an asthmatic donkey, I clabbered over heaps of rocks and still the summit was no where in sight.

Just about then...to my horror, wee children aged around five or six came bounding down the hill towards me, then a few women and more wee kids, a dog and a man who actually was in running gear ran past us!

The place was becoming busier than fucking Regents St at Christmas...where were all these thoroughly NOT out of breath people coming from? I started to get really tired and sore, my knees started to make a sqeaking noise and I realised that the summit was not straight ahead but around and around the corner of this big hill.

The veiw was amazing, in the distance there were lochs and mountains, misty topped hills, acres and acres of greenery and beautiful blue skies.

"See Janey, you would not have seen all this if you had not come up this far" he said.

Me-" Yes I would, I have fucking saw Highlander three times ye know"

But I was awestruck by the stillness and beauty.

Then I was bored.

I decided that i had reached MY summit and wanted to go down, i slipped twice on rocks and stuck my hand into a big shitty cowpat. I kept my head down and simmered my anger at my own clumsiness....then as the descent became easier I passed more small children and two pensioners climbing up the hill with ease.

I wanted to kick them down the hill.....fucking fit old people...who needs them?

So here I sit with two very sore knees, fifteen midgie bites and I have TWO gigs tonight!

I am doing a charity gig for the Grovepark Fundraiser ( the factory that exploded)

And of course Hamishes Hoose in Paisley.

I have not given up on hill walking...but i need to get morphine for my legs.

Husband laughed and called me a wimp.

Yes Maybe I am a wimp, I cant really climb hills I know but...I do give good head..and he should know when to stop slagging me!


scottish jojo
Posted: 00.32 June 06, 2004

Quote (candysox @ 16.13 June 04, 2004)
Is it just me or does anyone else struggle to give a shit about what Janey Godley does with her life. Who cares what this talentless comedy magpie gets up to. Instead of being out gigging like any other comedian she sits day in day out writing this shit for the entertainment of nobody.
Why doesn't she use this time to write some decent original material and she might even get a gig somewhere.
Candysox

until you are old enough to post comments like that under your REAL name, go away and shut the fuck up you poisonous little wart



janey godley
Posted: 01.09 June 06, 2004

Well the gig at Hamishes Hoose was a difficult night all round.

The gig is FREE and the room is just an extension to the noisy bar, the crowd were very chatty, becoming loud and belligerent and eventually angry at the comics and MC for interrupting their conversation!

I basically got paid decent cash to shout at a Paisley twat with a bri-nylon/acryllic top and blonde dyed floppy hair do! Lovely....

I do repsect Pierro and his devotion to live comedy but the gig is desperately needing a major over haul, it is not a nurturing venue for new acts to hone their skills, neither is it a good place for established acts trying to out shout drunks! Thats not comedy, thats a fucking night in a mental health workshop!

So here I am sitting at 1am.

Ashley got all dressed up in a lovely mini skirt, long bare tanned legs, high heeled sandals, beautifully straightened shiny hair, lots of lipstick and lashings of mascara... she was off to a late night party ...( her father wanted her to change into her My LIttle Pony pyjamas and sit on the floor eating icecream, putting bunches in her dolls hair) So the plan is that we go pick her up at 2am..

I hate sitting here imagining all the evil things that can happen to her..the what if's...

What if..some guy drugs her beer and assaults her?

What if...She takes drugs and dies like just about every other fucker in my family?

What if..some really pretentious nasty cunt has her fall in love with him and spends the next six months mentally torturing her and making her feel like shit, ruining all the self confidence and wonderful faith she has in herself and humanity?

What if..the party house goes on fire and she cant get out
( this is a recurring fear which is odd as I dont know anyone who died like this!)

So I am silently hoping she is fine and is somewhere smiling and hoping to come home and put on her My Little Pony PJ's and wants to eat ice cream.

I know I am being melodramatic and a bit over the top...but its MY teenage daughter who is out there with shiny hair, high heels and a big gullible smile.

oh well....I will sign off and go pick her up soon.


janey godley
Posted: 18.04 June 06, 2004

so there we were driving through the dark at 1.30am trying to find a house on the Old Greenock road. The map directions told us to go onto B788, we tried to find this elusive road in the pitch black, no street lights but the biggest COWS I have EVER seen hanging their big heads over the wire fences and looking like they were laughing at us, it seemed they looked demonic and evil as the head lights caught them on the dark country roads.

"MOooooo" they shouted, five big cows staring at me..

Before long a wee sheep stood in front of the car, its sheep mates ran into the farm entrance but this one retarted sheep just stood there looking at us.
Dark road -one car, bright headlights, one mental suicidal sheep. I got out of the car to chase it, as soon as I stepped onto the road the darkness swallowed me, behind me a BIG COW breathed on my neck and shouted "MOooo"...

I screamed my ass off...

I ran in front of the car to get into the lights and shouted at the fucking mad stubborn sheep "Move ya daft fucking wooly sheep"

It eventually stumbled away into the field...looking back at me as if to say...
" I like standing there, I was waiting on a bus"

Back in the car and off to find the imaginary B788...Husband starts to get shouty and annoyed, i start to imagine farm animals coming to take over the world and stamping on me..

it is now 2.15am and we are late to pick Ashley up from this fucking deserted farm/party..

I began to wonder if we were going to end up at the Titty Twister and have to fight vampires..or evil sheep?

Managed finally to raise a signal on the phone and got through to Ashley, by this time I didn't care if she had been assaulted, I was going to BEAT her to a pulp for dragging us out into the near wilderness in the fucking middle of the night...

She gave us better directions and a few landmarks to help guide us to her. Finally we arrived and there she was, standing at the farm gate all smiles, with her drunk pal Louise with her. She was in one piece, no drugs, not even drunk and deperate to get home.

I was glad to get out of the country side and back into the city..

fucking weird cows...


Komal
Posted: 04.54 June 07, 2004

Been away the last few days and missed my daily dose so I spent the last hour laughing hysterically. I love how fixated candysox is on you!

GreenWithEnvy would have been a more appropriate pseudonym. Rock on, Janey!


janey godley
Posted: 10.21 June 07, 2004

only i can start a fight in a supermarket toilet!

get this - husband and I both need to pee and go to TESCO to pee and shop.

There is a woman standing there who informs us both

"There is only one toilet and there is a queue, you are after me" she looked around early forties and quite well dressed.

Me- "thanks"

So we wait for a small child to finish and as that happens a young man joins the woman who told us to queue and they BOTH go into the toilet together..
Fucking rude..what a way to queue jump I think to myself.

I wait patiently but my bladder feels the size of a scatter cushion and I want to PEE...eventually woman and man both emerge, my husband just looks at me and raises his eyes..

woman " that was not too long eh?"

Me- "Yeah but that was fucking rude both of you going in jumping the queue eh?"

woman turns to me all indignant " He did not use the toilet...so excuse me"

Me " Well thats even weirder..taking your son into watch you pee...freaky woman"

then I slammed the door and pulled down my pants.

I heard her scream loudly from the other side of the toilet door
"He is not my son, he is my husband"

Me (whilst pissing loudly like a racehorse) "Yeah whatever..freaky urine woman" I shouted at the top of my voice.

I knew that outside that door my husband would have to deal with the consequences...I was laughing silently at this. When i came opened the door he was standing there, looking at me....

me-"What..what? do you want to come in and watch me pull up my knickers?"

he just laughed and ran into pee as well.

I need to chill out and maybe smoke again...I am starting to fight with strangers now..


Anthony Miller
Posted: 10.29 June 07, 2004

I don't understand you, janey. If I want to go on and on about my boring life I don't start an entire thread and dedicate it to myself - I take over someone else's and pervert it to what I've got to say.

Incidentally, you realise the longer this thread gets the more memory it'll take up and as long as you keep posting on it it wont fall off the board so ... do you think there'll come a point where Bennet puts his foot down or can we go on posting on the same thread forever and costing him more and more money by using more and more webspace till this thread is infinitely long?


janey godley
Posted: 10.42 June 07, 2004

yes to all of that Anthony.

I agree about what you say, Steve will probably let me know what he wants me to do with this blog and if he wants it to go then it will....

I have a link to it from my website so if it goes here I can continue it on my webpage.

The point is, as Mr Bennet pointed out to me..if people dont want to read it, then they actually dont have to click on it and yet it seems to get viewed very often...

But i do hear what you are saying..
thanks always

oh and to all do keep the comments coming if you feel the need...or u can post a comment on my website as I have that new guest book

www.janeygodley.co.uk
janey


birdy
Posted: 11.54 June 07, 2004

For fuck's sake. What a whining little prick you are Miller.



Anthony Miller
Posted: 12.06 June 07, 2004

Who's whining?

I was just suggesting we use this as an opportunity to try to break Chortle. One of my long term ambitions.

On a technical note - if you post to a topic it automatically goes to the top of the forum ... which would suggest that it is not popularity that is keeping at the top ...which is not to say that if there weren't any posts it'd fall off the bottom. But I feel if we all made a concerted effort to post to one thread we could really fuck the system.

However we are weak and post to many threads...


birdy
Posted: 12.12 June 07, 2004

Why don't you go and start a thread - actually, when was the last time you did that? Let's see what you've got to offer...

I doubt it would be any good though, you and vidal have plenty to say about other people, but neither of you ever put up a real thread that might show something about you - why is that? I'd say you're both scared of that kind of attention.

I could be wrong though. Let's see.




Anthony Miller
Posted: 12.20 June 07, 2004

Topic: My mp has decided i'm worth knowing, It must be local election time...
Started by Anthony Miller
Posted: 14.49 June 03, 2004

but neither of you ever put up a real thread that might show something about you - why is that? I'd say you're both scared of that kind of attention.

I don't think my life would be that entertaining to read because unlike Janey I can't bring myself to be that rude to other people in real life only on Chortle. I'd like to be that rude - particularly when people deserve it - but I'm too wet.

I live in awe.


Michael_McEwan
Posted: 12.21 June 07, 2004

Quote (Anthony Miller @ 12.06 June 07, 2004)
Who's whining?
I was just suggesting we use this as an opportunity to try to break Chortle. One of my long term ambitions.

Sounds like Kitten from Big Brother to me


Grant
Posted: 12.46 June 07, 2004

Where they shagging in the toilets?

Where have the banner ads gone?

There's been much longer and boring threads than this.

It's quiet today, isn't it?


janey godley
Posted: 17.02 June 07, 2004

fucking hell what just happened?

I can only say this once more..

If u hate this thread and you despise my blog...

THEN DONT OPEN IT AND DONT EVER READ IT !

Then the only sad bastard reading it and adding to it would be me..then you could all laugh at my self indulgent personality...but as it stands, it gets loads of hits.

so me being me, getting all this attention keeps me going,.its true I will do anything for attention! (thats why I am a comic)

i fucking hate Big Brother and would rather drink petrol with a knitting needle in my eye than watch it...

What do I do?

I change Channel ...yes I know.... genius!

Anthony I like your postings and I appreciate the support.

To all who still send messages of support and encouragement..watch this space!


janey godley
Posted: 21.12 June 07, 2004

went through shopping hell today trying to get Ashley a dress for her "leaving school party" and it should double up as a dress to wear in her part of West Side Story.

She wanted a fifties/sixties type dress that is so in fashion just now! After walking to at least four big department stores and watch her try on about 12 dresses, i wanted to throw myself under a car.

Finally we found " one that MIGHT just do" and I asked the sales assistant to keep it aside so we may look further but come back to get it...

You guessed it..the fucking stupid woman gave it away to someone else!
Luckily Jasper Conran made loads of them to be sold, so we found another.
I absolutely HATE shopping, I am convinced I am not really a woman underneath all this flesh...I particularly hate window shopping and dont understand people who do it.

Why would you walk around looking at stuff you are NEVER gonna buy? Fucking mentalcases.

Ashley settled on the floral "sticky out" dress and loved it, she then asked me to dye her hair and put mahogany highlights in.

Now reading this you may think..."I did not know Janey was a hairdresser?"
Well I am NOT..but she bought this kit from Boots and I was the person for the job.

After I put on the base colour, i got slightly alarmed as Ashleys long brown hair looked very ruby red...."oh Shit!" I thought..but we persevered and then i had to pick wee bits of hair up and coat with the highlighter...all sounds easy but her hair is down her back and very long...it was a fucking nightmare!

Eventually after all the chemicals washed off, she has very long shiny dark copper brown hair with fine highlights of rich mahogany !!!

I am a hairdresser!

She is going to an all night party tonight and I am going to stop worrying and fretting about stuff, if she cant make choices about her welfare at eighteen..then I havent done a good job at being a parent.

Husband tells me I worry too much and she will be cool, he knows and he trusts her..I have to as well.

So I just have to remember that IF anything happens and the police ask for a description i will need to remind myself that she is not brown haired girl BUT mahogany russet copper girl!


Janey godley
Posted: 18.15 June 08, 2004

Finally got a flat i like in Edinburgh for festival!

It is in that new building in Old Fishmarkets close and it recently won architectural

Awards, it looks fantastic!

The flat is right next to the Underbelly..(venue where my show is on) so I can go home and chill out when needed!

It has en-suite bathrooms and lovely furniture, the flat I stayed in last year was up 98 steps in the Grassmarket!

It was quite small and not really ideal, the fittings and furniture was pretty rundown and tatty…but my new place will be cool…am excited!

Read though the latest chapter of my book that is fully edited and ready to roll, I was unsure of it and kept looking through it to make sure it flows good..but I will always be insecure about it and probably never convinced it is good enough for the public to read.

Such is the way of the world I suppose.

Discovered much to my horror that BT have yet again charged me for some illegal internet fraud that makes my PC call up an international number! I logged a complaint with ICSTIS, which deals with problems and monitors telecommunications companies and can legally challenge charges unfairly brought upon people.

Ashley arrived home safe and well after her over night party..with boys !!
She is fine but is suffering from a nasty hangover, she apparently drunk loads of Vodka and Light Ribena…YUKKK …her vomit was bright purple….YUKKK

Being a mum, it is my job to hold her hair back and let her puke down my trouser leg when she doesn’t make it to the loo. It’s also my job to wash her duvet covers and disinfectant the toilet and never ever say…I TOLD YOU SO…

I remember the first and last time I got really drunk.

I was 16 and it was September weekend 1977. Punk rock was raging through the UK, the Queen was celebrating her Silver Jubilee and Rod Stewart was in the charts singing, “You’re in my heart”

I had sat behind the milk bottle factory and drunk four pints of strong cider….
I was so drunk I had to be carried home and spent the next three days vomiting into a plastic basin at my bedside.

My Mammy slapped me really hard and in rhythm to each syllable
“IF (slap) YOU (slap) EVER (slap) FUCK(slap)ING EV(slap)ER DRINK AG(slap)AIN. I WILL KILL YOU! (Slap, slap)

I was so ill and wanted to die, the vomiting and hangover lasted till the Tuesday, I have NEVER been that drunk since and don’t actually drink at all.

People are amazed that I am Scottish and a comic and don’t drink, like the two things are a pre requisite for the other, I just don’t drink. Maybe twice a year I will have a glass of wine or a Cointreau and Bitter lemon, But never ever EVER cider!

God knows I cant even the bear the smell of it to this day. So I wont slap Ashley, I will hold her head and hug her better, she has to make her own mistakes!


Grant
Posted: 01.10 June 09, 2004

I had stopped drinking till I heard about Vodka and Ribena.


janey godley
Posted: 02.37 June 09, 2004

its not pretty Grant...the smell is God Awful..and it stains your carpet (the vomit) I dont know about the drink itself, as she never spilled any on my carpet...just the regurgitated remnants!


janey godley
Posted: 10.21 June 09, 2004

i have taken to waking up at 8am for no good reason...

Its driving me mental. I lie there and think loads of stuff that make no sense, then start to got through what bills need paying, stuff to do. flights to book, gigs to go to, travel arrangements...before i know it i am fully awake!

Ashley read this blog yesterday from start to last posting.

"Mum I cannot believe you wrote all that stuff for the entire WORLD to see, are you mad?" she shouted, then added "It was nice though and its weird, I feel like i am living in the Big Brother house, now and you will report everything to all these people who read it"

Husband didnt care and told me he wont ever read this OR the book, he does not want to be famous not even for five minutes and would rather die than speak or discuss his life in public.

Oh Dear too late big man... He has aspergers syndrome..its a form of autism. It is very mild but very annoying to the point where I want to kill him.

He thinks only literally never laterally, for example if I say to him “ Do you think I look old and wrinkly?”

Him- --“ Well yes you are getting older, your not all wrinkly but your eyes are a bit wrinkly and your belly looks a bit flabby because you have got fatter as you got older..oh and there is dimply bits on the top of your thighs..and..”

Me ---“Ok enough!”

Him- “Don’t ask me if you don’t actually want me to answer you” he then looks sheepish and genuinely startled

“ Oh no….or was this one of those times I am supposed to do that thing where I say NO you are ok? I am sorry, you look nice?”

Me –“Fuck off”

Him—“Can we still have sex?”

Because his brain has just told him that’s the words that usually make me say NO to him.

Sometimes it is funny though and to fuck him off I write the grocery list in two different colours of pen and he freaks out in the supermarket, because he cannot read two different colours if they sit beside each other.

There is an upside to it, he colour co-ordinates my entire wardrobe and sorts through all my drawers putting tights/sox/pants/bra’s all into correct places. He cleans all the cupboards out and organises every single piece of paperwork.

He can take it too far and sorts out my handbag and files all the receipts and tidy’s up all my business cards, then sorts all my notes into order and cleans all the make up and sorts it by size into my make up bag!

I go in there and go mad as I can find nothing, as it is in his preferred order!

The good news is—he does recognize he has Aspergers. It can be difficult when he meets new people, he sometimes just says out loud whatever is in his head. He met a famous comic (who shall remain un-named) this guy is usually a bit disheveled and my husband says on meeting him -

“ Why are you dressed so badly and don’t comb your hair, you must make decent cash enough to look after yourself, or are you depressed and maybe need some help?”

I smiled and dragged him away explaining that NO never say that—too much big man!

He then recognizes this and apologizes saying “ I am sorry I think things then forget people don’t want to hear that”

All in all it does give me material for stage…even he laughed at it when he saw me talk about it last years fringe!

Anthony Miller
Posted: 10.44 June 09, 2004

Quote (janey godley @ 17.02 June 07, 2004)
but as it stands, it gets loads of hits.

I don't want to burst your bubble but it gets about 50 hits a day
- which is a lot less than "don't waste your vote " ... I recon about 170 a day
...or the "fathers for justice" thread which has about 390 hits a day

Clearly where you are going wrong is in talking about things you have experienced.

You need to slip in some ill-informed opinion and call a few people cunts
if you want to get to the top in the ratings war.


HazelHumph
Posted: 10.47 June 09, 2004
Quote (Anthony Miller @ 10.44 June 09, 2004)
I don't want to burst your bubble but it gets about 50 hits a day
- which is a lot less than "don't waste your vote " ... I recon about 170 a day
...or the "fathers for justice" thread which has about 390 hits a day

Yeah, but this thread has been going for longer - it's got staying power. These other "young pretenders" of threads are just flashes in the pan - and once everyone's finished with their "look at how hard done I am", "won't someone please think of the children" type spleenings they'll be back to Janey's blog for a bit of warmth.


Anthony Miller
Posted: 10.59 June 09, 2004

Quote (HazelHumph @ 10.47 June 09, 2004)
Yeah, but this thread has been going for longer - it's got staying power. These other "young pretenders" of threads are just flashes in the pan - and once everyone's finished with their "look at how hard done I am", "won't someone please think of the children" type spleenings they'll be back to Janey's blog for a bit of warmth.

So what you're saying is that if it was a TV show it'd be "Last of the Summer Wine" but with the word "fuck"?


HazelHumph
Posted: 11.01 June 09, 2004

Quote (HazelHumph @ 10.47 June 09, 2004)
Yeah, but this thread has been going for longer - it's got staying power. These other "young pretenders" of threads are just flashes in the pan - and once everyone's finished with their "look at how hard done I am", "won't someone please think of the children" type spleenings they'll be back to Janey's blog for a bit of warmth.
Quote (Anthony Miller @ 10.59 June 09, 2004)
So what you're saying is that if it was a TV show it'd be "Last of the Summer Wine" but with the word "fuck"?

"Last of the fucking wine" perhaps.

janey godley
Posted: 11.02 June 09, 2004

Anthony does this topic really bother you that much that you count the hits and compare them to other topics that you have checked the hits on?

I never had a bubble to burst!

Does it bother you that I think 50 is loads?

Anthony I dont want to get to the top of the ratings war...I never indicated that I did, and 50 hits was more than i actually thought.

Its not a race, if you enjoy it read it...if you dont then I in fear of repeating myself DONT READ IT...

Is it just me that knows you can go into Chortle without having to compulsory read my thread.

When was the last time LAST OF THE SUMMER WINE tackled subjects like
child abuse
murder
heroin addiction
HIV

maybe that was the one episode i missed..your are right I should be calling people cunts and stuff and making misinformed opinions...or I could leave that to others who seem to be much more competent at it than me!


Anthony Miller
Posted: 11.21 June 09, 2004

Quote (janey godley @ 11.02 June 09, 2004)
When was the last time LAST OF THE SUMMER WINE tackled subjects like
child abuse
murder
heroin addiction
HIV

child abuse - I've seen that Clegg hit a few sprogs

murder - I've been watching the series a while and a lot of periperal charectors have dissapeared in mysterious circumstances. It's quite clear to me that Ivy at the Cafe murdered her husband and what about the fat nephew she had after him who was learning "the business" - what happened to him? One week he was there the next he wasn't - no word of explanation.
Clearly the woman is a Rosmary West.

heroin addiction - Why does Eli bump into things so much ... no one would act that way if he was just short sighted ...he's got to be on something.

HIV - What do you think killed Compo. At the end I heard them say "he stayed in his flat because he had important things to do .... he meant dying" - Clegg. Clearly Compo was ravaged at the end with the final horrible effects of full bown AIDS and didn't want his friends to see the horrific state his body was in or burden them with guilt. What do you think three old men are doing hanging about with each other if they're not gay?

It's all there if you read between the lines, Janey.


janey godley
Posted: 11.24 June 09, 2004

thats the funniest thing I have ever read Anthony...see what benefits my BLOG had ?

If you hadn't logged in to check it out and counted and compared and tried to make me feel insignificant by telling me people have other threads that are more looked at than mine....this funny stuff would never had come out of you?

hehehehehehhe

dont give me that smiley face stuff as a softner!!!

" it doesn't suit you"


Nick P
Posted: 11.25 June 09, 2004

Anthony Miller – LOTSW fan. Seems to know the plots/characters rather well. I would have thought he’d dismiss the old duffers as pension-scrounging scum.

Strange days indeed…


Ju Bird
Posted: 11.28 June 09, 2004

Actually the origins of extreme sports can be traced directly to 'Last of the summer wine'

The vision of elderly men in baths inspired a once underground movement of pushing the boundaries of the human mind and body.

If you listen closely on commentry on stunt skiing, during a routine of several difficult techniques whilst the skiers are in the air, you can here the words 'What a great Compo!'




janey godley
Posted: 16.23 June 09, 2004

Hurrah..I am so happy I just got final all clear from Hospital today that my breast lump is definetly NOT cancer!

I have a "lumpy Quadrant" ????

I know sounds like something from Star Trek...

I had to go for a mammogram six weeks ago ( really sore and squashes your tits to a flat pizza shape, and if there was a lump it is now gone!)

Then they stuck a BIG needle in (without anasthetic) and took a sample of the lump.

They did tell me on the day that it looks like nothing but final pathology came throo this afternoon!

So I am a happy girl...even Mr A.Miller's constant monitoring of my thread (incase he has more evidence to burst my bubble, coz thats important incase i get too happy about people reading my blog???)cannot dampen my spirits today...

Maybe I will live forever....

Hurrah!


janey godley
Posted: 00.48 June 10, 2004

Decided I may not live forever.

Chatted with my brother Midge again today, he is not feeling well. I am convinced he is still using heroin but cant actually prove it and anyway who the fuck am I to prove anything. It is still his business what he does and clearly not mine. I just worry a lot and hope he copes well with anything he inhales/injects.

He tells me this year he is going to come to edinburgh to see my show. He says this all the time but never shows up because one of the infuriating side effects of his heroin and HIV problems is that he has lost all his confidence.
That worries me as he was a spectacular racontuer, a real funny guy who loved company and entertaining all he met.

Now he cant cope with crowds and new people.

I find that hard to deal with.

Ashley loves him and chats regularly with him. Last year when I performed the play I wrote "Point of Yes", I dealt with a lot of the drug issues that had clouded my life.

Ashley helped me with the play and I made sure she was very involved in the production. I originally wrote the play because I had pondered and delved into the possibility that my daughter would eventually take drugs. (although that is not what the play is about). I wanted to know if what made me say NO could be passed onto her and she would say NO.... Although I did come to the conclusion that, that would never happen, I cannot under any circumstances "pass" any "genetic" predisposition to saying NO to drugs as much as I no control of my own family's predispositon to saying YES to drugs!

Ashley will have to make her own choices about drugs and i will have to stand back and watch, just like every other parent in the world.

I hope above hope that she wont ever touch heroin or cocaine or anything that will fuck her up for life.

I cant be sure she wont, i can only hope.

My brother may come to Edinburgh this year and watch me on stage, as he has never seen me at work!

The last job he saw me in was when I was running a bar 10 years ago....

On a brighter note I am looking forward to performing as MC at the Babycham Comedy comp tonight at the Vault. It will be lovely to work on stage with a whole bunch of talented females.

Good Luck to all!


janey godley
Posted: 17.30 June 10, 2004

Am having a very laid back day, I got my hair blow dried yesterday and it is all lovely straight and sleek. I love it like this, but one tiny bit of rain or moisture and I become Kate Bush's angry frizzy sister Maggie Bush!

So in the sunshine of Glasgow, i went for a walk. Within fucking minutes a big fat Glasgow MONSOON came down. I ran into the first shop I could find, which was unfortunately an OPTICIANS.... I tried hard to look like i was interested in spectacles.

I sent off photographs of me as a child to Ebury press, as we are trying to get ideas for the cover of my book. I am hoping they dont use the one of me that I posted on this site...you know the one where I appear to be suffocating another child...I look a bit manic in it.

I am loving the story in the press at the moment, where that mad guy is holed up in a bunker and taunting the armed police. Fuck Big Brother this is awesome stuff, he is fucking dancing in there and playing games, wish I had a webcam for it. I hope he stays there for weeks just to screw the authorities. They have an ARMY of guys outside it, all of them covered in weapons of near mass destruction...I mean for fucksake how many police/soldiers do they need to to wait on him? If he gets bored he can start doing shadow puppets and wanking for the camera! Fucking great!

I am hoping it turns out to be a comic and this was his publicity for his show in Edinburgh...how cool would that be.

I may just go into Marks and Spencer and hold three wee woman hostage in the Bra department, make them lie on the floor as I tie them up in bra's and demand cakes. Might not work but would brighten up my day!

Oh meant to add..some one went to my guest page on my website and told me I was CARP!

Yeeeahh...finally i am a fish and can now live under the sea..which was always my dream!


Anthony Miller
Posted: 17.36 June 10, 2004

Quote (janey godley @ 00.48 June 10, 2004)
I wanted to know if what made me say NO could be passed onto her and she would say NO....

If you go to Beanos in Croydon they've got every record still existant on vinyl.

If you want I can get a copy of "Grange Hill : Just Say No".

Not sure it still works - but you can pass it on...


janey godley
Posted: 17.42 June 10, 2004

yes Anthony..well you did just pass it on well done!

Your knowledge of old television never fails to stun me!

I wish "just saying NO" would be that easy, but after 17 of my friends and some family members died through heroin abuse...I dont think it is that simple.

But I will remind my brother the next time I call him...


Michael_McEwan
Posted: 20.16 June 10, 2004

Quote (janey godley @ 17.42 June 10, 2004)
yes Anthony..well you did just pass it on well done!
Your knowledge of old television never fails to stun me!
I wish "just saying NO" would be that easy, but after 17 of my friends and some family members died through heroin abuse...I dont think it is that simple.
But I will remind my brother the next time I call him...

That boy in the bunker (or that was in the bunker) was magic Janey, hilarious wee geezer. Especially making tea for the skeletons and pretending to be a matador.

I'd love to take him to Laser Quest, he'd be a hoot.

The Sun amused me greatly though. Big headline on the front page "Seige Drama At Secret Bunker" - followed on page 4 by specific instructions on how to find it! Followed closely by Dear Deidre's Photo Casebook - why does the same woman always have the problems?! - it was the best part of yesterday Currant Bun.

Mike


Anthony Miller
Posted: 10.24 June 11, 2004

Quote (janey godley @ 17.42 June 10, 2004)
I wish "just saying NO" would be that easy, but after 17 of my friends and some family members died through heroin abuse...I dont think it is that simple.

I don't want to be critical, Janey, but if 17 of your close aquaintances have died of heroin abuse, maybe you need to widen your cricle of friends? If you keep hanging out at Narcotics Annonymous this is what is going to happen.

Have you thought of, for example, joining the Womens Institute.
I hear it has a slightly lower rate of heroin-related deaths among the membership.

I mean, what are you doing?

Losing one or two friends to heroin looks bad luck but 17 is just carelessness.

You're not bumping them off are you?

You are right I remember too much TV - I sort of have a photographic memory for plots. Don't watch hardly any TV these days because I'm never in but I always know when I'm watching something I've seen before what'll happen next.


sezl
Posted: 11.06 June 11, 2004

Quote (janey godley @ 17.30 June 10, 2004)
Am having a very laid back day, I got my hair blow dried yesterday and it is all lovely straight and sleek. I love it like this, but one tiny bit of rain or moisture and I become Kate Bush's angry frizzy sister Maggie Bush!
So in the sunshine of Glasgow, i went for a walk. Within fucking minutes a big fat Glasgow MONSOON came down.
I ran into the first shop I could find, which was unfortunately an OPTICIANS.... I tried hard to look like i was interested in spectacles.

Your hair looked fab Janey.


janey godley
Posted: 11.16 June 11, 2004

Thanks Sezl!

I had a ball at last nights Funny Women Babycham comp at the Vault in Glasgow.

It was just fantastic to MC a gig that had 11 women on the bill! There were women who had been gigging a few years and there was women who were on their very first gig.

It would be unfair of me to come on here and critique each act, suffice to say there were a few exceptional performers..BUT they were all great. The venue was sold out and the heat inside the room was a bit too much escpecially if you were on and off stage like I was all night. The comics all did well and used their time great.

The diversity of the performers were awesome, Musical acts, surreal observational stuff, character comedy, double acts...it was a great night. Well done to all who took part.

Babycham were very supportive of the night and My only gripe was...the free tee shirt would not fit round MY BOOBS OR at least three of the other performers!

BABYCHAM>>>GET t-shirts for REAL WOMEN with breasts!


Alan Driscoll
Posted: 11.19 June 11, 2004

Will post your CDs on Monday when I have money. Am quite liking that Mark Germino song.


sezl
Posted: 11.22 June 11, 2004

Quote (janey godley @ 11.16 June 11, 2004)
Thanks Sezl!
I had a ball at last nights Funny Women Babycham comp at the Vault in Glasgow. It was just fantastic to MC a gig that had 11 women on the bill! There were women who had been gigging a few years and there was women who were on their very first gig. It would be unfair of me to come on here and critique each act, suffice to say there were a few exceptional performers..BUT they were all great. The venue was sold out and the heat inside the room was a bit too much escpecially if you were on and off stage like I was all night. The comics all did well and used their time great. The diversity of the performers were awesome, Musical acts, surreal observational stuff, character comedy, double acts...it was a great night. Well done to all who took part. Babycham were very supportive of the night and My only gripe was...the free tee shirt would not fit round MY BOOBS OR at least three of the other performers! BABYCHAM>>>GET t-shirts for REAL WOMEN with breasts!

I didn't even try the T shirts fearing I'd never get out; I didn't even get any free Babycham but that was a matter of taste.

I was impressed that your hair stood up the intense humidity in the Vault, Janey. Not a trace of frizz.

Sarah


birdy
Posted: 11.37 June 11, 2004

Quote (Anthony Miller @ 10.24 June 11, 2004)
I don't want to be critical, Janey, but if 17 of your close aquaintances have died of heroin abuse, maybe you need to widen your cricle of friends? If you keep hanging out at Narcotics Annonymous this is what is going to happen. Have you thought of, for example, joining the Womens Institute. I hear it has a slightly lower rate of heroin-related deaths among the membership.

Is that supposed to be funny? I suppose you're at least sticking to what you're good at - being an ignorant prick.




Anthony Miller
Posted: 11.40 June 11, 2004

Sort of. I'm genuinely curious what sort of life Janey's led to know so many heroin addicts because I don't lead it.

I know quite a few alcheys and crack-heads but very few heroin addicts. Okay only one...


Alan Driscoll
Posted: 11.44 June 11, 2004

She's Scottish. Haven't you seen Trainspotting?


Anthony Miller
Posted: 11.46 June 11, 2004

Yes, but not ALL Scottish people are on heroin, Alan.

And, as I remember she didn't always live in Scotland either
because she once told us she started her career at UTC and Bannana Cabaret ...?

What percentage of Scottish people are heroin addicts then? Don't any do coke?

Is this everyday Scottish life or is it Janey's life?


birdy
Posted: 11.48 June 11, 2004

Quote (Anthony Miller @ 11.40 June 11, 2004)
Sort of. I'm genuinely curious what sort of life Janey's led to know so many heroin addicts because I don't lead it. I know quite a few alcheys and crack-heads but very few heroin addicts.
Okay only one...

So, you make light of what is obviously a very painful thing? Nice.

If you had any close family and they all died I'd really enjoy mocking their lives and your circle of friends too - that would be really funny. I can picture it now.


Anthony Miller
Posted: 11.54 June 11, 2004

Quote (birdy @ 11.48 June 11, 2004)
So, you make light of what is obviously a very painful thing? Nice.
If you had any close family and they all died I'd really enjoy mocking their lives and your circle of friends too - that would be really funny.

Probably would actually.

Well, works for Malcolm Hardee anyway...


Grant
Posted: 12.10 June 11, 2004

Quote (Anthony Miller @ 11.46 June 11, 2004)
Yes, but not ALL Scottish people are on heroin, Alan.
And, as I remember she didn't always live in Scotland either
because she once told us she started her career at UTC and Bannana Cabaret ...?
What percentage of Scottish people are heroin addicts then?
Don't any do coke?
Is this everyday Scottish life or is it Janey's life?

Don't know the figures for Scotland, but there's 5,000 registered heroin addicts in Glasgow. And you can add whatever to that for the ones that aren't registered.

Glasgow's population these days is only around half a million, so that's quite a large proportion. So, it is everyday life for most people up here. It might be just being hassled on the way to work or it could be a family member.


Angie P
Posted: 12.11 June 11, 2004

If you're that interested in Janey's life Anthony I can only assume you'll be queuing up all night outside Waterstones in order to be the first to get a hold of her book when it comes out.

Tact Anthony, it's something you need.

Taste is another.


birdy
Posted: 12.12 June 11, 2004

Quote (birdy @ 11.48 June 11, 2004)
So, you make light of what is obviously a very painful thing? Nice.
If you had any close family and they all died I'd really enjoy mocking their lives and your circle of friends too - that would be really funny.
Quote (Anthony Miller @ 11.54 June 11, 2004)
Probably would actually.
Well, works for Malcolm Hardee anyway...

Would it be funny if you loved them though? Clearly, that's the key-factor here.




Grant
Posted: 12.17 June 11, 2004

Quote (Angie P @ 12.11 June 11, 2004)
If you're that interested in Janey's life Anthony I can only assume you'll be queuing up all night outside Waterstones in order to be the first to get a hold of her book when it comes out.
Tact Anthony, it's something you need.
Taste is another.

I'm hoping the Glasgow Borders will open at midnight to sell it.


Anthony Miller
Posted: 13.41 June 11, 2004
Quote (Angie P @ 12.11 June 11, 2004)
Tact Anthony, it's something you need.
Taste is another.

If people want to hold up all their personal misery for its entertainment value I don't see why I should be tactful about what they say.

Anyway lighten up - I have nothing against Janey and her Blog. I just thought I'd contribute anything ... but if she didn't like it I'll shut up.


janey godley
Posted: 15.36 June 11, 2004

Ok Anthony for the record, I never started my career at UTC or Banana Cabaret in fact I have only gigged there once at each venue. I do live in Glasgow but have worked in london on and off, staying there sporadically to accomodate gigs. I do understand what you mean when you say

"If people want to hold up all their personal misery for its entertainment value "

Yes I do that totally and stand by everything i write. Last years fringe I tackled the murder of my mother & sex abuse and made it funny...because I wanted to approach comedy in a different way and try to make truth and honesty funny subjects.

As my Chortle review states "Janey Godley is not your average comedian"

It does not retract from the sadness and horror of it all but it made me laugh and take something positive.

Anthony if u really want to know why I knew 17 heroin addicts, and what kind of life I have lead.... then you will have to wait for the book, I dont intend to divulge it all here. No doubt you will be curious as to how I spent time in jail for possesing guns and rounds of ammunition. All will be revealed.

Thanks to all who stick up for me...I do appreciate your support byt as I said before I do put myself up here and will answer to my critics.


janey godley
Posted: 18.43 June 11, 2004

Went to see my niece today and spend time with my wee nephew Shaun.

He is a cutey and I do love being with him. Seven is a good age, last month we had a big discussion about religion. Neither of us actually have a religion but Shaun had been discussing Catholicism as he may be getting baptised.

He was sitting with a Reader Digest and told me " I have a photo of Jesus Aunty Janey, would you like to bless yourself?"

Me- " I am not a Catholic wee man but thanks for the offer"

Shaun-" he has a kind face and a funny beard doesn't he?"

The wee guy was staring at the picture in this book, so i suggested he bring it over and we would read it together.

Shaun leaned over and held the book open at the "Jesus" page.

I looked at it and spoke.

me-"Shaun, thats not Jesus"

I could not stop giggling, the photo was of Osama Bin Laden!

I did try to explain it all to him and the wee guy said "But it says he will die in a cave, did Jesus not die in a cave?"

Religion is too difficult for kids to understand.

I remember going to Sunday School in East End of Glasgow as a child.

The bible stories were told by placing these big fuzzy felt characters onto a big felt board.

Our "Jesus" was missing and we had a "wandering shepherd" as his replacement.

I spent my childhood wondering why Jesus always seemed to have a lamb on his shoulders and no beard with blonde wavy hair.????

The bible stories were totally shit and usless, if you challenged them with any questions (like me)
Me aged eight- "Who is the holy ghost and why did he die? Who does he haunt?"

Preacher_ " Shut up and tell the Sunday School why you stole our Jesus and tore him into wee bits and ate him?"

Me- " I wanted to know what Jesus tasted like"

Its true, I ate Jesus.

I cant deny it.

He was a fuzzy felt Jesus, and to be honest he tasted ok.


morbid 2
Posted: 00.31 June 12, 2004

Reminds me of my youngest when he was six and studying religious education in school.

In a newsagent: Kid picking up a magazine. " Jesus, he's our friend"

Me: stunned having never discussed religion in my house and slighting relieved he'd picked up 'Serial Killers'. "No sweetheart, thats Charles Manson".


birdy
Posted: 00.43 June 12, 2004

Quote (janey godley @ 15.36 June 11, 2004)
Thanks to all who stick up for me...I do appreciate your support byt as I said before I do put myself up here and will answer to my critics.

ma'am...




comedyfan100
Posted: 18.28 June 12, 2004

Birdy sends great pictures as always!

Love the blogging:-)

Hate that Anthony thinks that what he is saying is kind of remotely funny.
Glad Janey chooses to ignore him, he is either counting her posts to point out how unpopular or "NOT AS POPULAR" her thread is, then he trys to analise her life and cant actually keep away from the thread!

Anthony blamed Janey for having so many freinds dying from heroin addiction,questioning her circle of freinds

I wonder if he blames her for being abused.

It was probably her fault for hanging about with rapsits when she was a child isn't that right Anthony?

Never mind Janey it's a hot topic. We love it and are addicted to your life!




Komal
Posted: 19.06 June 12, 2004

Quote (comedyfan100 @ 18.28 June 12, 2004)
Never mind Janey it's a hot topic. We love it and are addicted to your life!

Yeah! I'm an addict and the blog is better than heroin, in my opinion. Love the Jesus stories!


janey godley
Posted: 21.12 June 12, 2004

Got woken up today by a big skanky bluebottle buzzing and dive bombing my head...I am shit scared of all things buzzy and flying.

I screamed and tried to whack the fucking horrible post pubescent maggot... buzzing all around my bedroom, banging into the mirror..fucking stupid thing.

"Stop shouting at it and ask it to leave" speaks (I AM FRIEND OF THE INSECT WORLD) husband.

He is convinced the reason i get stung and bitten is that i kill insects and they tell other insects to come and get me for revenge....so basically in his mental aspergic mind, there is a bee vendetta happening and I am the target.

What is going to happen next...??? a Dragonfly head on my bed?

Give me a fucking break...

well actually he could be right in one sense because pidgeons peck me all the time and a few weeks ago a cat jumped out of a bush and bit me, and I was bit by a dolphin, I have also been bitten by a peacock!

I have no idea if what he says is true but I find it hard to be reasonable with a bluebottle or wasp, they dont look like they are up for compromise or conversation.

I do feel sorry for moths though, if they had ink markers to colour in their wings they would look like butterflies and women would not scream when they saw them

I read today in Scottish newspaper that at Butterfly Kingdom in Edinburgh a small child aged around three put her finger into the Pirranha tank and had her finger bitten, they had to take child with fish attached to hospital.

The parent of this wee girl said "They should cover the tank to stop this from happening"

I would have thought the sign saying

THIS IS PRRANHA FISH, THEY CAN EAT YOUR FLESH
DO NOT PUT YOUR FINGERS NEAR WATER
PLEASE LOOK AFTER SMALL CHILDREN WHILST LOOKING AT TANK

would have been enough. There was a cover over it but the wee girl sat on top and squeezed her fingers through the smallest space!

I am never going to be at "one" with the beastie's, but I do try to never actually kill anything unless it is sucking or biting me then I will attack back.

So there I was half naked trying talk a bluebottle out of flying around my lamp shade and kindly asked it to go home.

My husband smiled at my attempt.

The bluebottle flew past my head and straight out of the window.....

I was amazed....that an insect took notice of what i say.


janey godley
Posted: 11.45 June 13, 2004

my nephew Shaun stayed over with me last night. He is seven as you may remember if you are a regular reader fo this blog.

We played outside on his scooter and he gave me a go, I almost fucking broke my neck trying to steer the wee odd silver scooter around our carpark. I have lived here ten years in the West end of Glasgow, we have a communal carpark and across the back court is a small disabled housing community with lots of outdoor seating arrangements. I have never in my ten years been over there, Shaun dragged me over to look at the sculptures surrounding the seats.

There was a huge cage there which I have never saw from my window and in it was a bunch of chipmunks!

Fucking chipmunks!

Ten years I have been here and never knew there were chipmunks in my back yard.

I poked a finger through to feed them....you guess it I WAS FUCKING BITTEN by a CHIPMUNK...I know with my previous history with animal bites, i should have known better...but NO i had to stick a finger in!

Shaun woke me up this morning and asked me to take him a walk.

Shaun-"Aunty Janey, you hair is really curly, you need to fix it before we go out or everyone will laugh at you, can you comb it to make it go smooth?"

Me-"Are you mad wee man, it takes 40000 watts of electicity and a big blow job to fix that curly hair"

Shaun-"Whats a blow job"

Me-" I meant to say blow dry, oh look there's a chipmunk"

I tried to distract him by pointing out of the window. He was not to be fobbed off, Oh no this wee guy is persistent. He ran into Ashley's room, she came in at 4am as she had been out clubbing

Shaun-"Ashley whats a blow job?"

Ashley (half asleep and hungover)- " Its what I will be doing if I dont get a job in my year out now piss off shouty boy"

Me-" Ashley is going to be hairdresser that what she means" I say diplomatically whilst kicking her foot.

Ashley_" I am not going to be a hairdresser, I am going to be an actress, which mean I may have to learn how to do..

Me- "AShley NO!"

Shaun accepted the answers we gave him, thank God he forgets stuff.
I love him heaps but right now as I write this he is hanging over the PC saying

"When are you nearly finished yet, can we go now? Why have you written my name?" he points to his name here on the screen "Why are you writing my name Aunty Janey?"

Me- "I am telling everyone what a good boy you are.

Impatientce ....

I am off to the Glasgow West End festival parade.

It may shut Shaun up.


Grant
Posted: 13.57 June 13, 2004

Them's rats, Janey.

And you need the Remington Power Ceramic Straightner, you'll get it in Boots


janey godley
Posted: 16.36 June 13, 2004

to Grant- hark at you ya big gay hairdresser...for the record straighteners do not do the job in itself, I have to completely blowdry the whole head, its like fucking blowdrying a Shetland pony and THEN only THEN can I use straighteners!

If I dont, as the day goes on my hair gets bigger and curlier and tuggy with knots in..by bedtime I look like the ACIDQUEEN with dreds in.

wish i had slinky smooth slippy shiny straight hair.
Shitey hair.


Komal
Posted: 21.30 June 13, 2004

Quote (janey godley @ 21.12 June 12, 2004)
He is convinced the reason i get stung and bitten is that i kill insects and they tell other insects to come and get me for revenge....so basically in his mental aspergic mind, there is a bee vendetta happening and I am the target.
What is going to happen next...??? a Dragonfly head on my bed?
Give me a fucking break...
well actually he could be right in one sense because pidgeons peck me all the time and a few weeks ago a cat jumped out of a bush and bit me, and I was bit by a dolphin, I have also been bitten by a peacock!

Face it, Janey, you have bad animal karma. Word of advice: Stay away from their young or you'll really start hurting.


db brown
Posted: 02.33 June 14, 2004

Nice BLOG Janey.

I notice all this writing practise is improving your style too. More recaps and better structure as it goes. You must be getting good at finishing chapters wth a flourish.

Don't worry about the pricks who don't cope with honesty, I've been honest a long whiles now and I have no 'shallow twats' in my life at all unless I'm sharing a bill with them.

Keep going.


Anthony Miller
Posted: 09.35 June 14, 2004

Quote (db brown @ 02.33 June 14, 2004)
I have no 'shallow twats' in my life at all unless I'm sharing a bill with them.

Sounds like a dull life to me.


Anthony Miller
Posted: 11.56 June 14, 2004

Quote (comedyfan100 @ 18.28 June 12, 2004)
Anthony blamed Janey for having so many freinds dying from heroin addiction,questioning her circle of freinds
I wonder if he blames her for being abused.
It was probably her fault for hanging about with rapsits when she was a child isn't that right Anthony?

Don't be silly. It's a well known fact that nobody on Chortle is responsible for anything else that happened to them and that it is everybody else who is responsible.


comedyfan100
Posted: 12.23 June 14, 2004

I now know why no one else actually comments on Anthony's postings, as for the one above-

Oh silly me for even trying to be reasonable, what a cock.

I will try to keep off here so that the people reading this blog will not have to put up with interuptions.




Anthony Miller
Posted: 12.36 June 14, 2004

Quote (comedyfan100 @ 12.23 June 14, 2004)
Oh silly me for even trying to be reasonable

Seconded.


janey godley
Posted: 20.15 June 14, 2004

England got beat and Scottish people cheered.

Beckham lost a penalty and I dont actually care.

It a strange thing when we raise the subject of the "The Auld Enemy"
Scots are handed down a hatred of England through our homegrown Media.
I hate it and feel it borders on racism, there was a camera crew in Glasgow today getting Scottish people to shout on for Croatia when they come up against England. It was supposed to be a light hearted take on the whole thing.

It smacks of bitterness.

If I was to stand in the streets of Glasgow and shout

"Stab all Iraqi's" I would quite rightly be charged by the nearest policeman for racist comments.

If I was to stand in the street shouting

"Kill the English" a policeman would come over and say to me "We know a song about that"

England is not my enemy, I am a proud Scot, I am a proud Brit and I love Europe.

To say this I will encite anger in some people who will immediately shout or post me saying stuff about

"You cant be a Scot and a Brit"

Well yes I can and defy anyone who tells me that I cannot. It does not mean I am denying my Scottish Heritage, it means I embrace my identity as a person who lives in
Glasgow
Scotland
United Kingdom.

In Glasgow we have lived with sectarianism for years.

When I owned the pub, it was a fucking nightmare dealing with a Rangers and Celtic football match. My pub was near Celtic football ground. Catholics and Protestants attacking each other over something that happened apparently in 1690.

I knew a young boy who was stabbed to death for wearing a Celtic scarf and walking along our street. He was eighteen years old, he was studying History at Uni and his mammy bought him the ticket and the scarf for his birthday.
He died with fifteen stab wounds underneath a parked car on London road.
The young guy who murdered him demanded he be put in a prison which holds UDA convicted terrorists as he claimed the killing was a war against the Papal regime and a political struggle against the IRA and Catholics. The young man who died was a Protestant who happened to support Celtic.

I have learned to hate no one.

My daughter does not support any team, and will never ever wear football colours.

Good Luck to England. (though I cant stand Beckham, he annoys me with his stupid pomposity and arrogant skinny perma tanned Cuprinol teak coloured wife)


Anthony Miller
Posted: 11.27 June 15, 2004

Quote (janey godley @ 20.15 June 14, 2004)
and arrogant skinny perma tanned Cuprinol teak coloured wife. The one who spends all her time in rainy England and wont go to Spain? How does she end up that colour when she never goes abroad?

Still, credit where it's due. She obviously puts the hours in on the sunbed.


Anthony Miller
Posted: 11.41 June 15, 2004

Quote (janey godley @ 20.15 June 14, 2004)
Catholics and Protestants attacking each other over something that happened apparently in 1690.

Was that when William of Orange discovered the planet Uranus?

Never understood why anyone should join the Orange order
because, let's face it - there are zero babes.

Which is strange really because they have the sashes.

They could have a competition and give the winner one with "Miss Religious Intolerance 2004" or something on...


comedyfan100
Posted: 12.55 June 15, 2004

Dearest Anthony dearheart,

for someone who went to extraordinary lengths to point out the " Dont want to burst your bubble, but your blog is not that interesting" comments, then went onto question Janey's ability to keep friends alive in the face of heroin infestation in Glasgow's East End.. You seem to be hyjacking any chance you get to keep trying to be funny on this thread. You must have guessed it is now the subject of a bit of a cult following being read all over the world. Finally you have a platform for your tiny snippets of "humour".

You cannot seem to keep off it, other Chortlers and guests are keeping it clear for the BLOG, not you. You will insist in posting shit and bits of uninteresting information or just shit.

Thanks but I want to read the blog and every time I see that purple avatar my heart sinks.

Please please please stop adding to it.

is it just me who feels like this?




Anthony Miller
Posted: 13.04 June 15, 2004
Quote (comedyfan100 @ 12.55 June 15, 2004)
You will insist in posting shit and bits of uninteresting information or just shit.

Yes I will.

Free country - if Janey doesn't like it she can buy and pay for her own webspace at peanut price rates.

What's the point in putting it in an open forum if no one's allowed to post to it?

Why, come to that, doesn't anyone else comment?

Maybe she should have a word with Steve and ask him to move it to Chortle Gold or something or other...?

But I don't see why I shouldn't comment. If you're bored - tough.

I'm bored too. That's why I come here.


birdy
Posted: 13.07 June 15, 2004

Quote (Anthony Miller @ 13.04 June 15, 2004)
Free country - if Janey doesn't like it she can buy and pay for her own webspace at peanut price rates.

By the same token if I ever see you performing I should be able to heckle you constantly because you haven't paid for the right to be on stage?


comedyfan100
Posted: 13.08 June 15, 2004

Oh! well ok you are right.
(sorry guys I did try)

Its just as it stands you seem to be now posting more than Janey does.

Birdy please tell me he is NOT a comedian?

NO?


Ava
Posted: 13.10 June 15, 2004

Anthony is a comedian and to my surprise a very good one.


Anthony Miller
Posted: 13.12 June 15, 2004

Quote (comedyfan100 @ 13.08 June 15, 2004)
Its just as it stands you seem to be now posting more than Janey does.

That's because I'm debating with a couple of sanctomonious pillocks.


birdy
Posted: 13.18 June 15, 2004

Debating suggests that you answer the question.

Now - you do see the analogy of you being a heckling prick don't you?


Anthony Miller
Posted: 13.28 June 15, 2004

No. No one's paid to get in and no one's paid to be here - it is an open forum.
And it's just a log of personal thoughts - not the sermon on the mount.

If this is a hypothetical comedy club, birdy, it must be one along Tristam McGuire lines.

i.e. a micophone errected in a pub where people go to socialise.
and if you gig in that kind of environment you have to put up with
interruptions from plankton like me.

It says on the forum "Chit Chat" NOT "one person going on endlessly about their own life and everyone else shutting up".

I am in the right place. If she doesn't want interruptions, she isn't.

However, I'm sure that Steve could rig the thread to lock me (or anyone else out) and I wouldn't mind - so why don't you ask him?


birdy
Posted: 13.29 June 15, 2004

Quote (Anthony Miller @ 13.28 June 15, 2004)
No. No one's paid to get in and no one's paid to be here - it is an open forum. And it's just a log of personal thoughts - not the sermon on the mount. If this is a hypothetical comedy club, birdy, it must be one along Tristam McGuire lines. i.e. a micophone errected in a pub where people go to socialise. and if you gig in that kind of environment you have to put up with interruptions from plankton like me. It says on the forum "Chit Chat" NOT "one person going on endlessly about their own life and everyone else shutting up". I am in the right place. If she doesn't want interruptions, she isn't.

Oh, stop your crying. One day you could lead a life that other people are interested in too.


Anthony Miller
Posted: 13.31 June 15, 2004

I'm not crying. I'm just telling you to fuck off and stop talking shite you sanctomonious arse-licking cunt, get it?


birdy
Posted: 13.33 June 15, 2004

is that you right out of your pram?

HAHAHA


Anthony Miller
Posted: 13.35 June 15, 2004

Quote (birdy @ 13.33 June 15, 2004)
is that you right out of your pram?

No, I've just been emulating your prose style, birdy.


comedyfan100
Posted: 14.03 June 15, 2004

Cool this is even better Anthony, you are of course right, Janey did say (and I checked back on her blog) that she invites comments.

I just found it interesting that you sought to remind her how much this blog is not as popular, and how you did remind Janey that after counting ( How sad) how many hits this blog was getting in comparrison to other threads, that you seem to be determined to log on and comment on every page.
Fair enough it is an open forum but if you find it uninteresting and the fact that "one person going on endlessly about their own life" annyoing then ignore it. I love the blog and am determined to encourage it and want to keep it going.

It looks to me from reading your posts and "Candysox" (wonder who that is?) posts that you have a personal grudge or some axe to grind with Godley.
I am sure you can heckle her personally when you meet her.

I love this thread and hope it continues.




Anthony Miller
Posted: 14.21 June 15, 2004

I have met her and I have nothing against her. It was a joke.

Now chill out comedyfan100.

Every time you tell me to go to sleep it wakes me up.

I'm going to sleep now.

By the way I have no pseudonyms since in the early days I had 14 and Steve banned me from making more...


Ava
Posted: 14.30 June 15, 2004

Quote (comedyfan100 @ 14.03 June 15, 2004)
Cool this is even better Anthony, you are of course right, Janey did say (and I checked back on her blog) that she invites comments.
I just found it interesting that you sought to remind her how much this blog is not as popular, and how you did remind Janey that after counting ( How sad) how many hits this blog was getting in comparrison to other threads, that you seem to be determined to log on and comment on every page.
Fair enough it is an open forum but if you find it uninteresting and the fact that "one person going on endlessly about their own life" annyoing then ignore it. I love the blog and am determined to encourage it and want to keep it going.
It looks to me from reading your posts and "Candysox" (wonder who that is?) posts that you have a personal grudge or some axe to grind with Godley.
I am sure you can heckle her personally when you meet her.
I love this thread and hope it continues.

And that is the problem with this place....Anthony knows Janey. Do you? Coz I've met her and she won't mind me saying that she has one hell of a gob on her. So if she has a problem with Anthony she will say so. Believe me.

Anthony bores people. That is his sole purpose in life. We have all come to accept it now it's your turn.

Anthony Miller
Posted: 14.39 June 15, 2004

Quote (Ava @ 14.30 June 15, 2004)
Anthony bores people. That is his sole purpose in life.

No, it's not. I do some maths and physics as well.


janey godley
Posted: 19.22 June 15, 2004

Ok what the fuck happened?

I go away for a few hours and in my absence a fight starts?

I know Anthony? Cool!

Did we meet in Scotland or at a gig somewhere?

Shit -I hate not be able to put a face to a name.

Anyway, here goes with me going on endlessly about my life!

The stopping smoking thing is going great. I am over the worst I suspect.
I have tackled the weight gain problem ( I have lost nine pounds!) but have started chewing the ends of my hair, this was a childhood habit that took me years to break, I mean i never bothered with a haircut i just trimmed it with my teeth! Lovely I know!

Maybe during the fringe I could do haircuts with my gnashers! Wot a publicity stunt!

I have stopped dreaming of puffing and am back on track with shagging Timberlake to break point.

Husband is considering taking time out at a retreat, I have been a shouty moany cow for the last two days...I dont know why, but I assume living with a frizzy haired angry monster cant be much fun.

I need to chill out and breathe easily.

I decided to treat myself and bought a new handbag, i love it.

Ashley spotted it and begged me to give it to her, for those of you who know my life you will recall how she hoardes handbags and now has 16 all in (including my new one).

I caved in as she hugged it and hugged it to her chest and pleaded....so I said "Ok you have it"

Husband rolled his eyes and gasped at me in disbelief

"Why did you let her have your new bag? She has hundreds of them in her wardrobe"

Me (in full scream mode) - " shut the fuck up, at least she is not addicted to heroin only handbags!" ( no idea why I shouted this at him, he has never taken drugs in his life!)

Husband-" thats a bit fucking extreme but I bet her handbags costs as much as a heroin habit, thats why you stopped smoking, coz you were spending £75 a week on fags, I know junkies who had a cheaper habit than that"

me -(screaming so loud my ovaries hurt)- " Why the fuck has this become about my smoking I DONT FUCKING SMOKE ANYMORE YA CUNT"

Husband- "yes but you spent nearly £50,000 in ten years of smoking, so thats a lot of money eh? That could have bought a wee flat in Glasgow"

Me -( and I cant see why he never saw this coming)-"Yes and you could be fucking living in it by now, I would pay £50,000 to get you to fuck out of my life ya big aspergic weird bastard!"

husband turns to Ashley-" See what you and your greedy handbag habit have caused" ( he burst out laughing as did Ashley!)

Ashley-" ok I am off out to show off my new bag, I dont want to get in the way of you two shouting...oh and by the way please stop shouting about heroin, you will frighten the neighbours, this is the West End, Mum you scare them already"
She ran off out giggling with my hand bag.

I have become evil today, I need to breathe and chill out a bit.


db brown
Posted: 22.33 June 15, 2004

I hear shopping for handbags can be quite therapeutic.

Oh btw Janey, I got you a beauty and you missed it I was being 'patronising cunt' to see if you'd pick up on it.

Lets see that must be.......

db - 1 000 000
Janey - 0

Never mind.

I think Anthony is having an affair with himself.


janey godley
Posted: 22.39 June 15, 2004

I did see it sheepboy!

Loved it, as always.

I am having an affair with myself as well, its really fun. I organise dates and covert meetings with myself and turn up and sneak into hotels...booking myself under the name..

Mrs Jones...

I send myself flowers and talk dirty into my mobile when no one is actually there, I am torn between leaving my family for myself. The sex is great also, because i orgasm a lot, which makes it all unusual and very exciting and forbidden. I email myself dirty messages and read them when everyone has gone to sleep. I try hard but i just can seem to break it off. One day i am going to face up to it all and realise that I have to choose..Me or...me?


janey godley
Posted: 00.40 June 16, 2004

I am up late...its now oo.14am

I have the dentist tomorrow, I hate it but need to go as usual. I have rotten East End sugar, Irn Bru (national soft sugary drink) lack of fresh vegetables and fruit TEETH!

I went last week for the check up with Ashley.

She went first as I stood and watched.

The dentist looked at me and said " how come you have crap teeth and she has never had a filling or a tooth pulled?"

me-" well when she was small I pretended she was a diabetic, we owned a bar and the customers tradition was to bring in heaps of sugary shitty sweets for her, so we told them she was diabetic and Ashley was sweet free until she was 12"

Dentist-" You are joking eh?"

Ashley-" No it's true, I knew I wasn't a diabetic, but my fathers side has diabetes and it was easy to lie, I was mad about it when I was small, and got upset I was the only girl at school who never got lollypops and stuff, but now I am older I am glad they did, especially when I look at Mum s teeth!, I would do the same for my children"

Dentist- "Well your teeth are fine as always, Janey you get up here now"

Ashley-" Please drill her gums really hard without an injection and wire her jaws up, she is a shouty cow"

ME-(with mouth open wide but still able to swear)
" 'UCK OCH YA 'UCKING 'ASTARG'

Dentist- "well your bridge needs adjusting, thats not my handywork when did you get it done? "

Me- (now with mouth free to talk) "1996"

Dentist- "How much did it cost you?"

Me-" Seven hundred pounds...I know how expensive for a bridge, everytime you crossed my bridge I charged a toll, my husband had to pay £20 a blow job!"

Ashley-" Mum! thanks for that ya weird crazy freak, the dentist does not want to know about you and dad's wee sex life news!"

Dentist-" well it looks dodgy and you need a crown fitted and your back teeth need two fillings, looks like you will be sucking cock for a few years more to pay for it all!"

me- "Hahah good one Alan"

Ashley- " Oh No Mr Dentist dont join in with her you will only encourage her foul mouth"

I have a foul mouth and it's now official, the dentist says it!

The only problem is I have a phone interview with Time Out tomorrow and I hope it's before and not after the dentist.

I am getting good press interest for pre-Fringe, and it transpires that I seem to be the only Female Scottish Comic performing a one woman show for the full run at the Fringe!Well this is according to the Fringe press office and the Brochure !

There is plenty NZ, Aussie, English and US female solo show comics amongst others from overseas.

I find this hard to believe, because The Stand usually produce some great one woman shows every year from good Scottish comics, but it seems there is no female solo shows at all this year at Stand. How unusual? Maybe I am wrong.

I hope I am wrong as I really enjoy Scottish solo females performing at the Fringe, not because of any sexist issue, but its just great to see that talent and it only inspires and supports me always.

I am really looking forward to seeing my favourite comic of all time the fantastic Jo Caulfield, she is just awesome and deserved the Perrier year after year. Not in the "finally another woman at last" tokenism, but because she totally mesmerises and challenges comedy audiences.

I love her stuff.

Go JO!


Anthony Miller
Posted: 14.33 June 16, 2004

Quote (janey godley @ 22.39 June 15, 2004)
I am having an affair with myself as well, its really fun.

Who was it who said "you must love yourself before you can love other people"?

They were either very self-obsessed or very wise.

I met you on Hardees boat ages ago when you had a row with some hecklers
who looked like they'd been drinking there since they were sperm.

I didn't say much as I was shy.... It was a very strange night...

Anyway you were about to fall off page 1 so I thought I'd push you back up...



janey godley
Posted: 16.27 June 16, 2004

Anthony I have never performed on Hardee's boat, but I was in the audience one night and have never been there before or since.

Were you on stage that night? I recall a couple of younger guys on but it was mad night. I am sorry if I dont recall meeting you, it must have been very brief.

Thanks for all

Janey


Anthony Miller
Posted: 16.37 June 16, 2004

Well, I went home early so I you assumed you were there to go on ... don't worry you didn't miss any sparkling conversation ... but I do remember you arguing with the we've-been-drinking-here-since-we-were-embryo punters while they were trying to shout Steve N Allen off.

Anyway ...I shall shut up now as that is probably quite the most boring anecdote ever told that I have just told. Ava is right - I am a naturally boring person.

It is a talent. See ...even now I'm clogging up this thread.......


janey godley
Posted: 22.31 June 16, 2004

Finally got the back and front of my flyer organised.

Steve Ullathorne is a fab photographer and designer, he always makes me look cute, young and fresh!

Also got the first cover "Idea" for my book "Handstands in the Dark".

The cover is very good, I love the picture and lay out but it did freak me a wee bit looking at it.

Its as if i find it hard to believe....I HAVE WRITTEN A BOOK!

I am now writing the BLURB for the back. Fuck that is harder than writing the book! Having to cram all that info into a few passages to hook people into buying it.

Am off to London this weekend, just for two nights then am home, but next week I am off to do Glastonbury then stay in London until 14th July.

It is a bit of a long trip and I will miss Ashley's last day of school and her last school dance.

At least i was there for her first school day, she was all dressed in her green tunic, blazer and green hat. I can still see her running up the steps, pulling open the big red door with the brass handle and shaking hands with her Junior one teacher.

She did not even look back to wave to her father and I.

We just felt deflated and sad as we trudged back down the hill from her school.

It really did mark the end of our fun times together.

We had always had her all to ourselves, to take to the park at anytime, to play in the house and to keep me company in the bar and that summer of 1991 ended all that. She was off to school until she was 18 years old.
We both missed her so much that first day, walking around the pub, watching the clock, wondering if she was unhappy? Sad? Abandoned? we sure were.

When we collected her, she was smiling and singing and couldnt wait to go back the next day.

Now she is leaving it all behind and this is the start of a new chapter.

Fuck....How melodramatic and poncy am I?

She is a young adult and we did a good job, I need to stop looking back and start to look ahead.

OR I could always go check If I am pregnant....

I hate being this late....or maybe I subconciously let it happen? So I could start all over again?

Who knows?

I will go check the pregnancy test and get back to you.

If I dont reply you will know I have either...

a) Killed husband ( it will be his fault) and went on the run as pregnant fugitive

B) Am not pregnant and am sitting wondering if that bothers me

Mmmmmm.....


janey godley
Posted: 13.40 June 17, 2004

well did the test and it was so difficult trying to pee on that stick, so i just dipped it into the toilet bowl, well Ashley is a Vrigin, so if I catch her pee pee then who cares (Unless she has been chosen by God to deliver the next virgin birth, though I would think that with our attitude to fucking Jesus that is unlikely)

I waited and waited until the five minutes passed and looked at the stick and......................................

I am NOT pregnant! Whooppeeeee...I am glad as that would be a bad situation. I am was advised by my obstretician years ago after Ashley was born NEVER to fall pregnant again.

I nearly died carrying Ashley, I have a strange allergy to the hormones produced when pregnant and fell into a near death coma twice when I was pregnant with Ashley.

The medical team advised me to terminate the pregnancy, I almost signed the forms as I was so ill and so sick, I would have done anything to get rid of the devil child that was trying to kill me, but I changed my mind at the last minute.

I just knew that if i terminated the baby I would never try to be pregnant again as it was so deathly and I was 15 weeks gone, so I may as well go the whole hog and carry her.

It was no big brave descision, thousands of woman daily suffer miscarriages and deliver still born babies, I knew the baby was healthy I just had to survive the next phase and I was young and fit then, so it seemed an easy choice.

The docs told me she was a huge parasite and I was dying but she was fine!!

I was sick right up to giving birth, as soon as she was out of my body I immediately felt wonderful. I was back at work doing a eight hour shift two days later!

She was nicknamed "Devilchild" for all the trouble and pain she caused. She was a healthy 8lb baby and slept great from birth and was no problem at all. (luckily as I needed a break after that nine months of hell)

I made the decision never to have another pregnancy after that. But eighteen years later you tend to forget how awful it really was and I do get all misty eyed and clucky about babies...and start to think how nice it owuld be..then I recall vomitting up yellow acidy stuff from my stomach onto my floor as I could not even keep down saliva and I think NO! never again.

So there we have it I am not pregnant. I celebrated by getting my hair cut and dyed, i now have light brown highlights all over my head and I am feeling pretty blonde as we speak!

Showed it to husband and he made a face which suggests
( I dont like it)

Husband- " it looks so different, those wee blonde bits are strange, I have always known you with black hair.

Me- "Well maybe that will make sex exciting, you can now imagine I am someone else"

Husband-" well not really because your ass is still that same size and your thighs have that dimply thing on them"

Me-" I love your ability to be truthful, it must be wonderful being aspergic and honest, when i have sex with you I shut my eyes really tight and pretend you are George Clooney"

Husband-" Thats ok,when I have sex with you I pretend you are the Janey that does not talk as much but then during sex you talk and you spoil it for me, at least i stay quiet and let you keep your Clooney fantasy!"

Me- "fuck off"

I suppose by all accounts its a good day. I am blonde and not with child.
Cool.


Yozza
Posted: 16.45 June 17, 2004

oh thank god i have been worried all night. you can borrow my baby if you want to stop feeeling at all broody.


janey godley
Posted: 19.14 June 17, 2004

thanks Yozza, but I have enough nieces and nephew to fill that gap....and husband of course.

I am off to London in the morning and will keep up to date in Earls Court Internet shop.

I come home Sunday.

Ashley felt her latest exam of General Studies went well.

I finally got to see the Fringe Programme and am seriously fucked off that my ever so expensive advert is in the Music section.

Maybe I should start singing and make all that worth while?

Am really looking forward to Fringe and cant wait to get on stage. I am trying to be so disciplined this year and stick to a structure as opposed to doing a kinda different show almost every night!

Will be fun.


janey godley
Posted: 11.34 June 19, 2004

well. flew to London quite happily. Except on the flight big fat man wearing yellow moleskin suit ( i kid not) stood like a petulant child and bleated to me
' I think you are in my window seat, look it says on my ticket 7E which is the window...'

Me ' OK fat boy take the seat'

he procceded to slyly rub the side of my boobs with his elbow the whole flight. I may be wrong and it was my fat boobs that invaded his elbow space either way a fat man in yellow moleskin touched me tits!

Attended screen writing course which was very insightful.

Then went for dinner with Monica and ended up down the Phoenix, not many people there that i knew except Jem Brooks ( who was lovely as usual) and met Mike Manera who was very nice to meet.

Came home to hotel and was greeting in the street at Earls Court by big fat stalking rat who disdainfully stood its ground and I swear to fuck sneered at my attempts to scare it by stamping my feet!

Big Fat Rat-' fUCK off bitch I live here and quit with the macarena stampy dance at this time of night, my 200 rat babies are sleeping beneath your hotel, live with it or fuck off home, annoy me further and I will bite you, there is a contract out on you, a pidgeon told me'

Me- ' ok fearless fucking fat slimy rat, I am going walk in the middle of the road and risk being hit by a drunk driver other than cross your path'

And I did, i walked in the the road and ran like a nutter past evil big kittensized rat thing. It merely looked back at me and gave me the finger.

Need to go and eat food, and hope it is not covered in rat piss.


db brown
Posted: 01.43 June 20, 2004

SEX DRUGS DEATH SCANDAL!

- a catchy blurb for your book...


janey godley
Posted: 18.22 June 20, 2004

Flight home today was very exciting. Got to Heathrow and stood waiting at COSTA COFFEE at Gate 5 for my flight.

Directly in front of me was the Boy Band BLUE, buying coffee and getting ready to fly to Glasgow to perform in Loud and Live concert that my daughter was going to see.

That cute singer who is a serial shagger "lee" leaned over and took a bite of the "free to taste" cookies on display at Costa's.

He threw it into his mouth and I giggled and leaned over and said" Dont eat that free stuff, rats piss on it all night as they leave it out overnight, I know coz I worked here"

Lee from Blue- "yukk" he spits a big gob of chocolatey cookie in to his palm " Fucking hell do they?"

Me- "No but I though it would be funny to tell you that, I have never worked here" I laughed my ass off, he laughed his ass off.

Lee-Your'e fucking wierd, but funny"

Me- "thanks Im a comic"

Duncan from Blue pointed to a man in the queue and said to me-" That man just shoved a mobile phone into my face and stood there expecting me to talk to whoever was on the line, he could have asked me more politely eh?"

ME- "Well the next time it happens just take the phone and put it into your pocket after all legally he did give it to you, fuck it I would just collect 'em"

Lee" How long have you done comedy?"

Me- "Long enough, are you the one that shags girls in toilets and mini cabs?"

Lee-"Yes thats me!" he says happily that I recognised his talents.

Me- "My daughter is going to the concert, will you say hi to her for me?"

Duncan-"Would you like me to talk to her on the phone, is she a fan?, I would love to do that for you?"

Me-"Yes thanks, hang on i will call her now"

I dial Ashleys mobile number, she was out last night clubbing and answered with a horrible hangover and smoke ragged voice
"Mum why you calling?"

Me- "There is a guy from Blue here wants to talk.."

before I could explain he took the phone from me and talked for a few minutes giggling and chatting away, eventually he came over and held the phone to me saying "She is funny!"

I took the phone and asked her what he said.

Ashley-" Well he said hello and I said 'who is this?' he said 'Duncan from Blue, I said are you some young guy my mum has had sex with and she is making you do this? he said 'No-I am Dunc from Blue your mum told me you are a fan'

so i said 'are you the gay one' he laughed and said ' no, there is no gay one' so i said 'yes there is, is it you or tell me who you think it is coz there is always a gay one' and he said' well its not me are you coming to the concert today/' and I said 'yes I am, will you be singing show tunes?' and he said 'no' and kept laughing, he then said you were funny and at that I wanted to be sick, now stop putting them on the phone and go hunt down BUSTED! I dont really like Blue, find Matt from BUSTED and make him MARRY ME OR DIE!" She hung up.

I can never get it right, I did get a hug and kiss from Lee and secretly thought " Mmm he is cute I wonder if he likes shagging older women in toilets"

He saw the weird glint in my eye and ran off to his mates.

I am home, everthing is well. I am tired.!


Anthony Miller
Posted: 10.36 June 21, 2004

Quote (janey godley @ 11.34 June 19, 2004)
Mike Manera who was very nice to meet.

Of course he's nice to meet - Mike Manera is a luvvie. So is Jem.
But Manera has better clothes.


janey godley
Posted: 02.26 June 22, 2004

Everything seems to slow down when you need it to speed up eh?

I have packed three times all the essentials for Glastonbury, i am performing at Cabaret Marquee 1855-1925 on Friday; I have packed suntan cream (incase of sun) waterproofs (incase of rain) towels (incase I get a shower,preferably NOt in the rain)

I have never camped before and I am stressed about it, some of Monica's high Falutting friends are also going to Glastonbury BUT they have a house on the edge of some field with butlers and nannies for the kids!

Wish i was rich or at very least fucked a rich man!

Na! i am joking I could never enjoy the millionaire lifestyle if I did not at least fancy the man I fucked to get the goodies, so instead I fuck a man I kinda like sometimes and sometimes hate and get to live the high life as he shares his TESCO club points with me! GREAT EH?

Ashley has friends at school who target all the rich boys at the school (there is seriously rich kids there trust me) typically of my child she has alienated them and announced loudly how 'tacky and uneducated and fucked up they are and she would rather lick a dead babies head than snog any of them, she doesnt care how may Airlines or hotels their parents own, they are cock eyed cunts"!" Great!! I cant even marry her off !

She will fall in love with a bloke called BOAB who sells newspapers at nightstands and live in a wee flat in High rise and happily have four wee red haired kids who all love Irish dancing! ( please GOD despite how nice and cosy that sounds PLEASE dont let that happen) I want more for her, possibly travel around the world having sex with as many nice hunky Argentinian Polo players as she fit in on one weekend, then come home and settle with a bloke.

Maybe I am pressing my fantasies onto her life? Yes I think i am, I saw two Argentinian Polo players last week in London and...FUCKING HELL...this is seriously sexy, a man who stands up in the stirrups, pounding up and down on this magnificent horse, his dark hair and bronzed skin flashing in the sun, his tight hard thighs stretching the pale jeans he was wearing, his calf muscles looked like they would crush my legs as he pinned..

Ok i know that nearly descended into Polo Porn!

I need to get some sleep!



janey godley
Posted: 01.12 June 23, 2004

Ashley is in an angry mood, her last ever big school dance is tomorrow night (wednesday) and her last ever day at school and last ever BIG exam is on Thursday MORNING!

How bad is that timing? She is saying sweary words!

I had a funny day, there is a character who hangs out up here in the West End of Glasgow.

He has a shaved mullet dyed bright pink, he has various studs and piercings all over his face, he wears a fluffy bright neon pink jacket and the tightest ever pink snakeskin trousers. He is rake thin and wild looking young dude who would not look outta place in Old Compton St, Soho or anywhere in Camden.

He unfortunately has mental issue's and is often seen shouting at his imaginary (and always confrontational invisible friend).

I was sitting on a doorstep in the early evening sunshine waiting on husband coming to pick me up to drive me to a gig. Pink boy was strutting his funky pink stuff, shouting and making sure all attention was on him. Just as he passed me a rather dishevelled and sad looking tall black man with dreds, passed me and started shouting at no-one and gesticulating wildly with his hands at the sky.

'Oh dear, another poor soul with mental health problems ' I thought to myself.

Pink Boy stopped shouting at his own demons and stared at the black man.
Pink boy's eyes were flashing in anger, he stared at me and shouted "That man is annoying me, he has taken bad drugs and needs to stop his attention seeking, he is a mad person!Look at him"

The black man walked on regardless. I looked at the man with dreds and smiled weakly and said "Bless him" quietly. Pink boy heard me.

Pink boy freaked at some other dude out freaking him, he was the ONLY LOONEY in the area, he is wearing the loudest most attention seeking clothes NO ONE would steal his THUNDER!

He shouted and ranted!

It so reminded me of that Little Britain sketch " I am the only gay in the village"

It reminded me of when I ran the bar in The East End, whenever we got a mad person come in who would mutter under their breath and threaten me by saying things like

" I hear voices, I will kill you if you dont give me a vodka, I have no money, I am mad you know"

I was taught to OUT FREAK THE FREAKS!

It worked I would lean over the bar, grab their collar and hiss under my breath

"You hear voices? Let me tell you ya cunt, I am mental, I dont just have voices, I see your death as I speak, I am going to ram a blade into your heart, I have voices all day every day, come on then show me your crazy, you have never seen crazy pal, I want you to hurt me...come on then"

At that the nutter would run because as always they dont like competition!

I do feel for people with mental problems. That was why at last years fringe I stopped to chat and tried to help the guy who was trying to kill himself. He came down and we talked about stuff and went for a coffee. He became my friend. Some people mocked me or were beligerent about my motives. But that guy was cool, in fact at the Edinburgh Fringe he was KING because it was good to hang out with someone who was honest about their problems and never once did he look over my shoulder hoping to talk to someone connected or more important than me. He just chatted.

I think as Pink Floyd once sang " We all skate on the thin ice of life"


Alan Driscoll
Posted: 06.48 June 23, 2004

Janey will attempt to track you down or at least see your set.

I think the Pink Floyd lyric is the one that goes ooooooooooooooooooooooooh babe, ooooooooh babe, don't be surprised when a crack in the ice appears under your feet.

Fuck I need more sleep.


janey godley
Posted: 10.58 June 23, 2004

Thanks Alan but there is also Lyrics in that song that go "If you go skating on the thin ice of life"

Thats what i was referring to! So both of us have got that right!

Look forward to meeting you, hope this fucking rain stops, I can see Glastonbury developing into one big quagmire of piss shit and mud, AND I am due my period.

WOW! Lovely!! me having cramps to kill a horse in a wet tent, in a wet field with wet rain running down my back...cant fucking wait!

I am so dreading this whole tent putting up thing in the rain, I will go mad and end up stabbing someone.

I am going to turn into crazy pink dyed mad pierced person and scream loudly for eight hours at a time.


Anthony Miller
Posted: 11.12 June 23, 2004

Quote (janey godley @ 10.58 June 23, 2004)
I am going to turn into crazy pink dyed mad pierced person and scream loudly for eight hours at a time.

Ask O'Neill - he'll probably know a squat.

You'll have to eat coca pops with water though...


janey godley
Posted: 16.19 June 23, 2004

Ok am not going to go pink and screamy thats official.

Am stressed out trying to get Ashley dressed for School dance, first of all it took nearly ten years to find that fucking Conran dress and matching handbag, now she does not want to wear that!

Can u fucking believe it?

She has a skirt that she has pulled up over her boobs and looks like a slinky black strapless top and she says" Mum if you sew wee darts into here and here (pointing to bits) It will look neat and it will go with black skirt i got from charity shop that i have always wanted to wear.

I DO NOT SEW...does she think i went to sleep last night and woke up as Vera Wang? ( to the guys, she is a top dressmaker)

No I am Janey who cant possibly thread a needle.

So there i was with aneedle and thread sewing top whilst she has it on and YES I stabbed her wee boob with a needle! (It will get her used to getting lumps and pathology done when she is older)

She screamed,- blood spurted onto top, just as well its black.

Why cant she fucking wear the dress I bought her?

I hope she enjoyes her school dance, I recall mine, i wore a blue polo neck and tight jeans, no make up (coz i didnt know how to) and danced the whole night to Abba and Mud, staring at Charles Smith, a boy I fancied for four years. I was absolutely bessottedly in love. He ignored me and eventually walked past me and called me a "smelly tramp who had no tits"
I was crushed, i walked home crying, hating my flat boobless body, hating boys who hated me.

Years later when I owned the pub and the best and biggest boobs in the East End, Charles Smith came into my bar for a beer.

I recognised him, smiled leaned over to wash glasses as he eyed my luscious twenty two years old breasts.

He smiled at me and said " You are lovely what is your name, can I have your number?"

Me-" Sorry mate, I would fuck you but I am allergic to pork "

He stared at me and then finally managed to speak.

"You are Janey Currie, I knew you from school, you were manky and had nits"

He sniggered at his attempt to put me down.

My boss laughed aloud.

He then looked across at my boss who was counting the till

he shouted-"Hey ,mate your barmaid was a flat chested dirty looking skank at school"

Boss-" Really, she is not my barmaid, she is my wife, I was laughing coz she can get you killed and you dont know it"

He ran out and never came back,

My husband did have a sense of humour then.



Janey godley
Posted: 08.41 June 24, 2004

well Ashley had a great time last night, she looked stunning going to her last ever school dance and this morning when she rolled in at 5am, she was giggling and laughing.

That wasn't the case at 8am when she had to get up for her last day of school and her very last exam!

She is so hungover and her uniform is literally hanging off her, she looks like death and has panda make up eyes from last night. I did take pictures but dont know how to put them on here and with Birdy gone, fuck knows if I ever will!

Anyway she will kill me if I post the pics!

I am off to Glastonbury today, i will be gone from my family until July 14th as I have previews in London.

I will miss them, I will not be able to keep the Blog going until Monday when i get to an internet shop and will give you all the goss what happened at the festival. Knowing my luck and as always wierd things happen to me...I will accidentally punch Paul McCartney in the head.

Ashley has just told me she will do the BLOG until Monday, so you will get a bit of her life!

Listen dont believe everything she says about me, I am a good mummy and she is the "best girl in the world".

See you all soon.. be kind to my wee girl, she is an honest soul.


Anthony Miller
Posted: 11.03 June 24, 2004

Assuming you meet.


HazelHumph
Posted: 11.07 June 24, 2004

I'm interested in this too. Seeing as Birdy said I had a similar temperament to Janey's, whatever that means.

Oh Janey, if you want to post the pictures I can host them on some webspace here and stick them up if you like.

Have a great time, and Ashley be gentle with us.


boarding_las
Posted: 22.57 June 24, 2004

Well Hello There peeps,

Ashley is taking over, Hooray I hear you cry! As most of what my mother writes is about my personal life, because she can’t keep that big hole in the front of her heed shut. Or her fingers as she types this blog thingy. So here you lucky lucky people will get an insight first hand into the life of an 18 year old girl who today stopped being a school girl and is now a Woman ( except if Mattie from Busted wants me to put my uniform on again for kinky reasons ooooh).

Last night as my dear mother has pointed out was my leavers’ ball. I looked pretty hot I think unless all the guys who tried to have their way with me (and failed) were blind. I was really apprehensive about going as I am not exactly what you call a “Hutchie Bug” I’m a round peg in a square world. I went with my defences up positive that all would be nasty to me. How wrong I was. This guy who picked on me for ages and called me fat, though at the time I wasn’t really bothered, he was a 17 year old boy whose voice still hadn’t broken properly. Well this guy gave me a hug and told me how much he would miss me and how amazing I looked then apologised for being a knob. I was totally shell shocked then he tried to put his hand down my top, little did he know mum had sewed my bra to my top so he struggled in vein. Oh well the up shot was he pulled my friend who was steaming and cried afterwards because he’s a “minger”. Don’t go and see stand up comedy watch 50 drunken snobby Rugby boys weep because they’ll miss each other. I howled with laughter that may sound cruel but i'm not in their clan and so am aloud to be bitter. I went from the ball while quite drunk on very over priced drinks £7.05 for a double vodka and red bull to my friend Tar’s luxury flat in the south side. It was that posh the idiots decided not to put an intercom system on the door so I stood in the dark wet street screaming “VIKIE” (my best friend) until after 20 minuets she got off her arse to let me in, by this time I was sober wet cold and tired and realising that I had an exam in 5 hours yet I stayed at the party.

Woke this morning with a rotten hangover! But I sat the exam, half way through the exam some little git with more balls than brain set off the fire alarm making the whole school trudge into the playing fields while the fire depot wasted thousands of pounds looking for the phantom fire. When I finished my exam and was on my way to the year book launch I met the little 3rd year kids I taught drama to, one of whom, Adam is my best friend and is gay, bless. He started crying then they all did and all hugged me then I started crying and the fake tan on my face streaked. When I went to say goodbye to my year their were no tears Instead after they took us bowling and dropped us off in town and told us we were no longer students nor in their care, I …… Sparked up a fag in front of them then jumped for joy with my friend and waltzed into the nearest pub, I don’t think the depute Rector was best pleased. Oh well…… That’s all for now I bet your glad but my days are far more interesting than my hobbited mother and so are longer!!!!

Love to all

Wee Ashley


Grant
Posted: 23.22 June 24, 2004

Oh no - there's two of them!


Gilbert
Posted: 02.03 June 25, 2004

Quote (janey godley @ 01.12 June 23, 2004)
I had a funny day, there is a character who hangs out up here in the West End of Glasgow. He has a shaved mullet dyed bright pink, he has various studs and piercings all over his face, he wears a fluffy bright neon pink jacket and the tightest ever pink snakeskin trousers. He is rake thin and wild looking young dude who would not look outta place in Old Compton St, Soho or anywhere in Camden. He unfortunately has mental issue's and is often seen shouting at his imaginary (and always confrontational invisible friend). I was sitting on a doorstep in the early evening sunshine waiting on husband coming to pick me up to drive me to a gig. Pink boy was strutting his funky pink stuff, shouting and making sure all attention was on him. Just as he passed me a rather dishevelled and sad looking tall black man with dreds, passed me and started shouting at no-one and gesticulating wildly with his hands at the sky. 'Oh dear, another poor soul with mental health problems ' I thought to myself. Pink Boy stopped shouting at his own demons and stared at the black man. Pink boy's eyes were flashing in anger, he stared at me and shouted "That man is annoying me, he has taken bad drugs and needs to stop his attention seeking, he is a mad person!Look at him" The black man walked on regardless. I looked at the man with dreds and smiled weakly and said "Bless him" quietly. Pink boy heard me. Pink boy freaked at some other dude out freaking him, he was the ONLY LOONEY in the area, he is wearing the loudest most attention seeking clothes NO ONE would steal his THUNDER! He shouted and ranted!

Janey, I've dealt with Pinky on a large number of occasions. I had to ban him from the club I worked at for starting to stalk a lassie I know.

The only way to deal with him (bar a kicking) is to out-freak him as the coloured chap in your story did.

I used to go out with his sister actually. She was a lot more fun.




boarding_las
Posted: 02.17 June 25, 2004

just incase anyone is interested I know pinky and his name is Grant and he is in love with my friend and proposed to her so we had him chucked out of Curlers! tell him youv'e hidden drugs up a tree and he'll climb it!


Grant
Posted: 02.33 June 25, 2004

See folks, that's how to deal with people - none of this calling them a cunt, nonsense.

Night night Ashley.


Gilbert
Posted: 02.48 June 25, 2004

Quote (boarding_las @ 02.17 June 25, 2004)
just incase anyone is interested I know pinky and his name is Grant and he is in love with my friend and proposed to her so we had him chucked out of Curlers! tell him youv'e hidden drugs up a tree and he'll climb it!

It's not Grant, but it does begin with G.

Seriously, don't encourage him.




boarding_las
Posted: 09.42 June 25, 2004

your right mate its Gavin!!!! I will not encourage him any more.


boarding_las

Posted: 13.30 June 25, 2004

Hello again poppets,

I had a job interview today it was pretty rough, they told me I couldn’t start until after august because I have Edinburgh festival commitments I can’t let go! We had to sit these tests for spelling and math and stuff and when the woman left this guy pulled out his phone and started using his calculator. I felt SOOO angry I hate inequality and cheating in a work place, a common thing nowadays.

I think I’m going to a party tonight! HOOORAY I get to watch more drunken teenagers flirt knowing that the girls gonna end up taking it up the ass in the back garden. Something I’ve learned, KA girls seem to be really into that back bottom thing, doesn’t float my boat at all but each to there own. I love these party’s until I get there and sit thinking why don’t I find it fun sitting on a guys knee hoping that I’ll be able to help him sew his wild oats? Mmmmm? Maybe its cause if I sat on one of those wee gits knees I would break him and then he shant be able to play Ruggers.

My friend Vikie had a party in her house and so many people turned up I went to my bed because I was so tired, when I was woken up it was because Vikie's Neighbour was outside the door screaming and Vikie couldn’t deal with it so I was sent out and it turned out that a young boy and girl were doing dirty things outside her front door. I always wonder what it would be like to go back to school in 10 years time to talk to everyone and see all the guys I had crushes on and who treated me like dirt. Then pull out a gun and they would all get really scared but when I fired it a wee flag popped out saying “BANG” here. Ok I need to go and talk to real people i'm going mad, what am I talking about Going I am Mad.

Oh im listening to Busteds new song the thunder birds one its sooo good...

Love you all and god bless xxxxxx


Peter Vincent
Posted: 13.43 June 25, 2004

The Godleys: Mad as Cheese.


Rich
Posted: 13.59 June 25, 2004

Quote (Peter Vincent @ 13.43 June 25, 2004)
The Godleys

makes the osbournes look like the partridge family

Rich


boarding_las
Posted: 14.01 June 25, 2004

Thats Us!


HazelHumph
Posted: 14.02 June 25, 2004

Quote (boarding_las @ 14.01 June 25, 2004)
Thats Us!

Your mum is gonna be so proud!

By the way. How is she enjoying Glastonbury?


boarding_las
Posted: 14.06 June 25, 2004

thanx so much,

You know although she is a nut case, I really miss her! even when she futters about me asking if i have a bra a little less high or asking me if I got a boyfriend when i come back from the pub. though may i add every guy i've fancied who she knows has been more interested in her than me. Shes probably not doing a gig just now but shes acctualy breaking mattie from busteds bed. Ewww see what shes done to me!


db brown
Posted: 22.08 June 25, 2004

Laugh Ashley Laugh

For your Mammy is stuck in rivers of mud with Welly's two sizes too big. By now her hair will be plastered in strings down her head as she wrestles once again with her tent in order to work the zipper. When finally she enters her nomadic dwelling and dries her hair she will develop an afro to rival the Jackson Five.

Brave boys will attempt to save her and be shouted down by her impotent 'fucking tent zipper wont fucking zip' fury.

Busted wont touch her, they will runneth screaming into the night - "OMFG did you see that afro!"

She would have phoned you 17 times by now but she cant find anywhere to recharge.

Add to this the fact she doesn't really like live music and what you have is a perfect karmic payback for everything she wrote about you here on chortle.

And then when she gets home exhausted, wet, cold and bedraggled she will give up all this rock star nonsense, settle down and learn to make you soup like a good Mammy should.


boarding_las
Posted: 23.39 June 25, 2004

Hello

"settle down and learn to make you soup like a good Mammy should."

My mother will never learn to make soup because apparently as she has told me countless times and hundreds of people all over the world she has no need to make soup because the head she gives is so brilliant. Something every girl should find out 2 days before their 18th birthday.

Unfortunately I did not go to the party, apparently its invite only and as I don’t go to KA I did not receive one oh yea and I also called the guy that’s having its girlfriend "A superficial anorexic bitch” but she did break my “my little pony ranch" and as a collestully enhanced girl skinny people with ugly faces yet who still get the boys even though they have the personality of a retarded gold fish really annoy me.

However while not at the party and instead chatting on the net. This boy who I had a huge crush on like last year, when he was being a dick to me, told me he really liked me, but didn't want a relationship and in conciliation prize style offered me "regular casual sex". Don’t know how that works out but hey. I declined of course, the fact that he's a good few inches shorter than me poses the biggest flaw, it would be like a Polly pocket shagging a Barbie doll, and also I don’t fancy him any more since he told everyone I used to be a man. I don’t really understand what’s going on all these boys who I loved and who hated me now want to be my play boys and really I don’t like them much any more so it's all been a big inconvenience!

Now if Busted were to walk in my house and offer me "regular casual sex" you would never see them again. Not because I’d be making sweet love with them but because I would have them tied up to my wall with only there boxers on. Ye see I think penises are really Yuck I actually cringed typing the word. Once this boy asked me to touch his and I actually gagged in his face: I have never seen him again? Ok I have now let out far too much information and when my mother sees this she will freak out and beat me with her camping stove.

Oh yea I got the job I start on Monday they found me a temporary position for three weeks whoopee


janey godley
Posted: 15.20 June 28, 2004

ARRGHHH!

I am here finally in London, ASHLEY what the fuck are you doing talking about penis's?

I am joking , thank you for looking after my blog, I jusr read it and laughed. Well Done!

Well Glastonbury was amazing. I even put up my own tent! With the help of the lovely Andre (Malcom Hardee's nice female friend)

The place is huge, John Fleming (editor and all round helping comedy/writer person) drove me straight there from Heathrow, so I was relaxed and ready to go for it all.

We made the mistake of setting up so close to the infamous Mr Hardee...but this was fine coz in real life he is lovely and actually repectable and quiet ( he will kill me for saying that). Me on the other hand turned into a shouty cow everytime the tent zip got caught on my hair (as DB predicted!). I was even optimistic that Sadowitz who set up other side of me could not swear as much as me. I was right I am a foul mouthed bitch!

Here is the deal, trying to get in and out of a fucking tent bent in half with my tits is actually fucking difficult ok?

First day there was awesome, the place is so huge and I loved it on sight. The comedy tent looked scary but I was ready and raring to go. My gig was Friday 7pm and I also got to MC the late shift (10pm-2am Saturday night) (first female comic in Glastonbury history to do so, apparently, thats what they told me).

It was good to see lots of comics there that i admired..Stewart Lee, Nick Wilty,kevin Eldon, phil Nichol etc..

I was walking around as Nick Wilty put up his tent and as he pushed the long tent poles together, he then had to bend one into position to 'hook' it into the hole that sits on the ground.

As he bent it and put all the pressure and tension behind the fibreglass rod, it slipped and pierced into his cock and testicle. Now I can hear you all scream, what did our hero do?

He got taken to hospital, got it stitched and videod and photgraphed the whole event (for posterity i assume and laughs/gasps) and STILL DID HIS GIG on the Sunday MC slot!

Everyone in the house bow to the MIGHTY NICK WILTY!

I was shit scared of my gig on the Friday tea time slot as I saw how difficult and stoned/sunburnt the crowd were at that time.

The fantastic Carey Marx brought me on with a great intro. there was kids in the front row, so whilst they sung BALAMORY (scottish tv kids show which i lied about being in for comedy kids effect) I made the majority of them laugh at the set. It went as good as i could hope at my first Glastonbury gig but not as spectacular as I wanted.

I was pleased to an extent though Mr Hardee was pleased (he booked me) and I went off happily into the sunset off to see Oasis.

Sunday brought my period and torrential rain (not good in a field with a tent with a zip that eats my hair).

But then i thought of the brave Nick Wilty and his stabbed cock, i stopped moaning.

I will let you know more about Sunday and a stuff, but right now my phone is fucked and I am off to get a replacement and my laundry from earls court wash-o-matic.

I have tales to tell of..
My naked sauna and public naked shower!
My fight with a big guy who annoyed me at Oasis concert
My final fight with the tent from hell
How i nearly got hit by a truck as I slept in my tent

speak soon.

Thanks Ashley...

Please dont let the boys wear you down..


Anthony Miller
Posted: 15.25 June 28, 2004

Quote (Anthony Miller @ 11.46 June 11, 2004)
Yes, but not ALL Scottish people are on heroin, Alan.
And, as I remember she didn't always live in Scotland either
because she once told us she started her career at UTC and Bannana Cabaret ...? What percentage of Scottish people are heroin addicts then? Don't any do coke? Is this everyday Scottish life or is it Janey's life?
Quote (Grant @ 12.10 June 11, 2004)
Don't know the figures for Scotland, but there's 5,000 registered heroin addicts in Glasgow. And you can add whatever to that for the ones that aren't registered. Glasgow's population these days is only around half a million, so that's quite a large proportion. So, it is everyday life for most people up here. It might be just being hassled on the way to work or it could be a family member.

This may be a bit off topic but it is Chit Chat but .... wanted to say....

...I just turned on the telly on Sunday and blow me down with Ainsley Harriot - there's Iain Duncan Smith wandering round talking to the heroin addicts of Glasgow promoting his new "policy research thinktank"? the:

Institute for Social Justice...?

None of the heroin adicts actually gave views on the thinktank (presumably because they are not great thinkers) but it was SOOO weird to watch ?!? Made me think of you, Janey?

Anyway ...

Never mind about Hardee and Wilty ...have you met Driscoll...?

That's what we want to know...??


janey godley
Posted: 18.43 June 28, 2004

Hurrah I am clean! I had the bestest deepest warmest foamiest bath in the world!

it is queer to watch people at glastonbury revel in the dirt and mud, they are middle class and find it all jolly, to me its a bad flashback and my regular blog readers will know how i hate being dirty, I dont want to go back to my childhood EVER!

Ok comedy wise the most defining Glastonbury moment for me was when Stewart Lee took the stage and the moment he opened his mouth to talk to the huge crowd of 2000 people, the electrics went off! He silenced everyone with a shout and gesture of the hand and carried on accoustic! Then a stage manager brought on a megaphone and he stormed the room. The slow laconic wit did not require electricity, just appreciation and he got it!
I was amazed and humbled.

Late on I went with John Fleming to see OASIS. I hate crowds and I am shite with live music, i believe they all mime so why stand in mud to hear something you can comfortably hear the same in bed through a mini disc?
Anyway I realised the atmosphere was godd and i started to get really excited about seeing the group perform, just as they took the stage and struck a chord a big six feet eight lanky boy stood beside me and with his mouth and powerful voice imitated every guitar chord and twanged and sang loudly every fucking word.

i did not hear Liam Gallagher sing, I heard a bloke from Neasden sing, airguitar and twang de dang every note in each song that came up!
I shouted up to him "Fuck up y big nutter if i wanted to hear you i would have sat in your front room and let you do that noisy shite you are doing and not be stood here in a big scary crowd trying to hear the group"

him-"fuck up ya dwarf"

me-"No you fuck up"

I gave up as he was getting behind in his song and needed to catch up with the group and ignored me.

On Saturday i went up to a part of the park where they had a big hippy sauna and showers and cold tub. I was really odd about getting naked and doing it but the shower facility at the camp site was so shite i needed to get clean (we all know how this affects me!) I got stripped and slipped into the sauna cabin, there was one guy there quite happy and ignoring me which was good as in my head everyone wants to look at my fat ass! I got over myself! I walked out dropped the towel and casually stepped into the outdoor cold tub! I was naked! I am a naturalist! well for three minutes!

I then got out and went into the showers, there is a cover that goes up to your face to separate you from the next person, i did not care! i got naked and showered and chatted to some Dutch bloke about the weather! It was so fucking liberating, soon i could do a Phil Kay/ Hardee/Campbell/ Provenza naked stage thing! Maybee? why do the girls never do that?

Anyway the MC Saturday night shift started great and I was chuffed. A young guy asked for the mike and proposed to his girlfriend, she said yes and I rallied the crowd on a big sing along of "all you need is love" as Sir Paul was along the road singing away for real.

The night got hotter and harded and by 1am the crowd were a bit hard to handle, i did me best and got the acts on and off. It was a great experience and I would like to express my gratitude to all the acts who came over and supported me with words of wisdom or just cuddles!

The breakfast run was a pain as big queues stretched the length of the room. I became the queue jumper and people started to talk about it, they would stop me in the lanes and ask" Are you that Scottish comic woman who jumps the queue?" So I am sorry everyone!

The rain and mud were fun I have to say, i fell twice.

All in all it was fun although this morning as I lay in my tent at 6am, i was half asleep when i heard shouts and screams and big engines humming, i got out of the tent (after I detangled the zip from my hair) and there was a truck slipping in the mud inches from my tent where my head lies!
I almost got knocked down whilst i slept!

there we have it!

I am looking forward to meeting Alan? Why the big deal?

PS Jenny Eclair interviewed me for BBC radio 4, i will plug it when I know when it is on for anyone who is interested.



janey godley
Posted: 13.33 June 29, 2004

well last night was extremely exciting. Went to visit Monica and then casually walked home to hotel with pounding headache. Decided to go into late nite shop at Earls Court Underground and buy painkillers.

Head was really pounding and big jaggy needle pains piercing my skull, so i asked for painkillers extra, man held them over,I gave him my £20 note, he stopped and said " I dont take Scottish money, do you have anything else, maybe English real money?"

Now normally I stop take a breath and fiddle in my purse for other notes....but tonight NO!

I simply hold on to the pain killers and said" No I am giving you this STERLING and if you dont take it, I dont care I am keeping the tablets"

Man-"Give me back my tablets you thief"

Me- "No I am stealing them LEGALLY as you refuse to take the cash"

Man-"You can keep your stinky shit Jock cash, fucking Jock, give me my painkillers"

Me-"I am calling the police to report myself for leagally stealing your painkillers"

The man at this point grabs my £20 note and says" I will keep this and fuck you for your stinky old Scottish twenty pounds if you dont give my goods back"

Me-"If it is worth fuck all why are you trying to steal from me? Now give my change"

Man-"Fucking shit Jock"

me-"Please stop calling me a jock, thats racist and you dont know if I am Scottish, you are assuming, I would not say you were Pakistani"

man-"You just racially abused me. I am from Pakistani, you fucking cunt Jock"

me-"Well thats not racial abuse I was just good at guessing your country of origin"

Man-"Scottish bastard, give me my goods back"

At this point I called police and was put through to...SCOTLAND YARD! I laughed as the policeman spoke coz I realised that it being Scotland Yard it would be devalued by this wee shopkeeper!

I explained to the policeman that i was leaglly stealing, i told him it was a new law I had just invented, I had bought goods but the shopkeeper refused my money as he doesnt like anything SCOTTISH! Scotland Yard would be offended if they heard him i explained further!

The shopkeeper was now gathering a crowd,people took pictures of my legal stealing. Other customers started to look for a twenty note to swap with him to save me the bother but I was determined to stand on the principle.

The police arrived and the shopkeeper stood his ground, he has been told by head office never to take Scottish money under any circumstances, it was not because he thought it was fake, it was just a company rule. The policeman made him call his boss (it was 1am) the boss came on the phone and the copper explained he was breaking the law with this rule and if i decided he would be charged by refusing to accept leagal tender!

The crowd cheered, the poor wee asian man looked at me sadly, "Fucking crazy Jock" he shouted. I asked him to stop racially abusing me as I was standing up for my rights, the policeman told him his racist comments were starting to be offensive and no longer just annoying.

He apologised under duress to me and the policeman asked me if I wanted to take the racsit comments further the crowd shouted "DO IT" i said "No".
I have watched people working in those late night shops get fucked about something awful, they probably only get paid £3 an hour, the wee man was wound up and arrogant because of me and I made my point.

to be honest i am crazy and I suppose "Jock" was not meant to be racist.

I got my change and left.

My headache dissapeared!


Anthony Miller
Posted: 15.56 June 29, 2004

Quote (janey godley @ 18.43 June 28, 2004)
I am looking forward to meeting Alan? Why the big deal?

Alan's a celebrity!


Angie P
Posted: 16.15 June 29, 2004

Janey you are a Godess! Good for you for standing your ground, what a bloody idiotic rule not taking Scottish money.

I wonder if it's considered refusing to take legal tender and apparently therefore illegal when shops put up signs saying that they don't accept £50 notes. Not that it's ever been a problem for me, I've only ever seen 2 of them in my life and they were both when I was working behind a till in one place or another.


boarding_las
Posted: 20.45 June 29, 2004

I know that like now mums back on i'm meant to shut up, but i just wanted to say that last night i lost my virginity

HOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRAAAAAAYYYYYYYY, that is my tele sales one i made my first sale!


Nicko
Posted: 20.58 June 29, 2004

ARG! I hate that! When I go back to Wales after visiting my family in Scotland I ALWAYS get hasstle with Scottish money. The worst time is when I'm in a big supermarket and I hand them a Scottish £20 and they look at me like i'm an alien, then say they have to call the manager, so you stand there for 5 mins with people tuting at you while the manager waddles over and goes, "yeah, that's fine, it's just a scottish note".

GRRRRR


Grant
Posted: 22.05 June 29, 2004

No Scottish banknotes are legal tender.

I reckon it's bad karma and Scottish bank notes will only really be accepted when we stop doing the same thing with Northern Irish banknotes that the English do to ours.


janey godley
Posted: 23.42 June 29, 2004

well the gig at comedy camp went well. I SO ENJOYED getting on stage after Glastonbury!

Tube strike forced me to walk it down Piccadilly, as i approached the Ritz, there stood Woody Allen, waiting with his wee slim Vietnamese wife. I loved his comedy and walked over and said " I am a stand up comic and I loved your comedy, its so nice to meet you"

I never mentioned anything uncomfortable about marrying a woman who used to be your daughter although i did think about it briefly!
He said" What is your name?"

me-"Janey Godley"

Woody Allen-" Janey Godley, ok good you are Scottish?"

I thought at this point he was going to refuse to speak to me due to my "Illeagal Accent "

me-"Yes I am in London to preview my Edinburgh Fringe show"

Woody Allen-" Good luck there is not enough good women in comedy!"

Me-"thanks"

I met Woody Allen, more bizzare yet weird stuff!

Glad the tube strike happened.


Arthur Daley
Posted: 10.04 June 30, 2004

Quote (janey godley @ 23.42 June 29, 2004)
Glad the tube strike happened.

You would be. Communist.


janey godley
Posted: 13.53 June 30, 2004

sorry Terry, that was very wrong of me to be happy the Tube strike happened but it was meant as a point that if I got a tube I would not have met Woody Allen!

Anyhoo, just woke up to a phone call from husband telling me that a letter from BBC saying that the show I contributed to (was factual and very honest but funny) won a GOLD award at the SONY awards! I am well chuffed!

The show was called "Stuck in the Middle".

Never met anyone famous today so am a bit annoyed about that!

Need to stem the desire to go shopping for more summer clothes and sandals, I need to stop spending money I dont actually have.But I ruined my shoes at Glastonbury. My phone died and ORANGE gave me a new upmarket funky one, fuck its great! I love gadgets.

Missing Ashley terribly and wish she was here with me for a while,she calls and stuff but its not the same as being with her. Even woke up this moring and missed husband! Need big man to tangle legs around me and hugs for a while. I have turned into a needy moany cow, I am travelling doing what I love and getting to do what i want and STILL moan...sorry!

Stiil not smoking, still on the diet and still fucking starving.

Last Night as I walked to my hotel there was the wee Asian guy who I had the Scottish "money" fight with. He was stood outside his shop on the mobile, he spotted me and interrupted his call to shout "Hey Scottish Shit, I see you in Time Out, you are a fucking whore"

This made me laugh aloud, I simply turned smiled and shouted straight back at him

"Nice apology mate, thanks for grovelling in front of the police, that was really classy" then I laughed loudly as I walked.

I could hear him shouting and swearing in the distance as I walked all the way to the hotel. He hates me and that makes me smile. To continue anger and harbour hatred toward someone takes a lot of energy and will power, he does all of that just for me, therefore i am important to him...how odd. Thats why I forgave my uncle who abused me all those years ago, I would have been standing somewhere with my child trying to be happy but inside in pain and twisted with anger against him and he would be walking down a street singing a song and not even thinking or be affected by my emotions!

Waste nothing on the wasters, keep every good vibe for yourself and remember always that no one in the world can touch your soul or determine your path. Only you allow them that right.....keep smiling.


Ariadne
Posted: 13.56 June 30, 2004

Quote (janey godley @ 13.53 June 30, 2004)
Waste nothing on the wasters, keep every good vibe for yourself and remember always that no one in the world can touch your soul or determine your path. Only you allow them that right.....keep smiling.

Best advice ever!




scott_agnew
Posted: 17.51 June 30, 2004

Ashley, you scared the shit out of me with that whole "I lost my virginity thing."

The last I saw you you were wandering into the night on Monday, lightly sweating, walking to Maryhill having enjoyed a bevvy in The Shack.

I was in a panic that your mother and father were gonna kick the shit out of me for letting you go up the road on your lonesome and getting shagged by some student, bum, drop out, chancing his hand by taking advantage of such a vulnerable young lady like yourself.

Don't frighten me like that again young Godley!!!

Right enough if you handle folk the way your mother handled that wee newsagent I should never have worried at all.


Grant
Posted: 18.10 June 30, 2004

I'm guessing Ashley is glad you got home safely.