Janey's Blogs - September 2004
Janey godley
Posted: 11.26 Sep. 01, 2004
Throat is worse and the green stuff I cough up is making me feel ill.Am relagated to bed now, will not be able to do Liverpool gig on Saturday, feel bad about that as I love the laughter House gigs.I am so glad I no longer smoke as I can hardly breathe as it is.Have had big migraine headaches and have to got to docs to see about it and just this morning i got a note to say i am due a smear test!Whooppeee all of me is falling apart.I need to go back to bed as the green stuff is coming back and I need to spit.YuckkkY
janey godley
Posted: 16.16 Sep. 02, 2004 Been back three days now and I feel as if my life is perpetual freeze frame, I keep expecting to get up and go do my gig at 10pm, just like for years I would wake at 10;30am in readiness to open a bar!
I have my poster up in the hall and my reviews are spread over kitchen table, because I am stuck in Fringe mode! How fucking meglomaniacal is that? Oh Dear not a good sign at all eh?
So today, well at least an hour ago, i put everything away into the press box. I need to be Janey Godley for a wee while, mother to Ashley and husband to well....Husband as I like to call him...that was until I opened the Scotsman today and saw yet another article about ME in the Diary page! I need to shut up.
Ashley has decided to get a job in year out, it feels weird not rushing about getting her books ordered and uniform fitted, she is NO longer a school girl and I am NO longer at the Fringe....we all have to adjust!
I dont want her to go far away and as I logged onto the PC here I see that she was looking at New Zealand to go do childcare nannying! FUCKING HELL ...does she have to go that far away I asked her and she said "you went there Mum and you loved it, i could go nanny there" I want to vomit.
So we will see what the day brings, i was hoping she could get a wee job just in acafe up the road. I miss her and life heer seems odd without her, husband is cooli do love him but I would miss her comapny...she understands me and plays 'talking animals' and 'Guess what would happen if dead people came back with sharp knives' and 'Who's cock would you least like to look at when you had period pains and chocolate cravings'
husband hates these games and refuses to play them, he tells me I am childish.Ashley joins in and makes me laugh.I dont want her to go away. I am scared someone will hurt her or not understand her. Like they did me.
janey godley
Posted: 23.53 Sep. 02, 2004
My sister called me up today and told me she read my BLOG for the first time, she is appalled that
A) Ashley smokes
b) I call husband a wanker regularly and tell strangers when he wants sex on this 'online diary thingy' as she calls it
c) I let Ashley play 'who's cock would you least likely want to look at when you have period pains '
d) I tell everyone about my brother MIDGE who is a junkie and nutter but funny
e) I think about black men fucking me
f) I waxed my minge
g) loads and loads of stuff I cannot recall how much she moaned about to be honest!Oh dear luckily she has a sense of humour and told me that despite it being revealing it was quite funny.....oh that makes it ok then?
Grant
Posted: 12.34 Sep. 03, 2004
I agree with your sister.How are you feeling? It sounds like you have a bad case of Underbellyitis.Welcome back to the world of us plebs.And if you get to the passport office with all your stuff and about £90, you'll have your passport for lunchtime.It opens at 0815. You can book an appointment, but if you queue from about 0730 you'll be one of the first in and should get seen in about 25 minutes.
janey godley
Posted: 12.54 Sep. 03, 2004
Hey GRANT! Hellooooooo...I missed having all your input, it was like performing to an empty hall before with no feedback.Grant I am sad you never came to see me show, I think you have saw all of my fringe shows expcet Good Godley!
I laughed aloud watching Paul Gudgin talk about the Fringe and there on that wall at the fringe office was a big chalk GOOD GODLEY! and wasnt my writing nice and neat?Husband cant be arsed going to Paris now, and since I got back bookings have taken up every weekend till Christmas and beyond....if your not fast?,....
How have you all been? Where is Komal form USA? How is my gang in Hawaii and Culver city?Nice to be home and amongst friends...thanks Chortle man for moving back to my chit chat home!
Grant
Posted: 16.41 Sep. 03, 2004
Sorry I never saw the show, I just wasn't in Edinburgh or the country that often.You could do Paris for the day.
Prestwick 0700
Beauvais 0930
Porte Maillot 1130ish
Afternoon in ParisPorte Maillot 1845
Beauvais 2200
Prestwick 2230
Look around the dates and you could do it for about £30 each. Not being tight (ok, I am compared to 300 quid with BA) but it's about the combination that gives you the most time in Paris on a day trip from Central Scotland.
Knackering though.
janey godley
Posted: 19.41 Sep. 03, 2004
Thanks! I did really want to go but now have decided against it due to time/management problems.Decided to go to London in December and do gigs, I put a posting on industry link, as I dont have management yet, though I did get some offers and have made no real decisions about how I want that to work.
I dont want to appear ungrateful or indiscreet/unprofessional so i will leave that subject as it is.Went out and bought a big tub of Clarins Relax Body scrub as it really makes me all slinky smooth and smelly, I came in last night and smelled the delicious smell of this product waft through the bathroom thats attached to my bedroom.
OH YES !! there was Ashley singing in MY SHOWER using my expensive beauty products on her VERY YOUNG & ALREADY SMOOTH skin..fucksake...I gasped...quickly I ran into her room and dragged out her new top and boots and pulled and stretched the top over my ample bosom, totally distorting the swirly 60's pattern into a horror creation of blobs as it reached break point on my giant tits.I stood there wearing HER FAV knickers, a stretched blobby/swirly top and my bare feet in her new suede boots as I galloped around the hall waiting for her to come out of the shower and see me.
"MUM.....AARGH, Dad, she is ruining my stuff...MUM get it off" she screamed at me.
me-"You used my good Clarins stuff bitch"
Ash-"Mum. thats just shower stuff you are going over stretch my sexy top"
me-"Well fucking dont touch my things, you stretched my tummy and vagina I am getting you back"
Ash-" I was too young to know, I promise had I known I that I stretched your tummy I would have starved myself in the womb, I would have been the first anorexic foetus, I would never have sucked on that Umbilical cord and got fat and big if I had guessed that 18 years later you would have stretched my clothes as bloody revenge ya weirdo!"
husband-" Ashley stop shouting at your mother, she cant help being mental, she was not in the newspaper today and she is having withdrawals"
me-"Fuck off both of you, big aspergic arse and parasitical girl"
Ash-"Leave him alone, stop calling him aspergic, you have attention problems and he is more sane than you, if you didnt have me and he was normal from a normal family your Edinburgh show would have been called "Good but boring Godley" so at least appreciate us"
That made me laugh and made Ashley laugh...Husband went off mumbling "I am not aspergic, i am not aspergic"
Grant
Posted: 01.31 Sep. 04, 2004
Kids! You think EasyInternet is shite, but see what they replace it with. FFS.
It's like 500 machines all running off the one a 1meg connection.
I saw the Mona Lisa again as I'd yet to see it behind green polarised glass.I think this is just a plot by the French govt. Everyone had seen it, so they had to get more money from people seeing it behind different coloured filters.
Bethany_V1.5
Posted: 02.01 Sep. 04, 2004
Quote (janey godley @ 18.43 June 28, 2004)The breakfast run was a pain as big queues stretched the length of the room. I became the queue jumper and people started to talk about it, they would stop me in the lanes and ask" Are you that Scottish comic woman who jumps the queue?" So I am sorry everyone!
I know this is a really odd Question and so long after the fact I'm sure you won't remember, but what did you think of the Flower arrangements in the Green room if you noticed them at all? I say green room the big old tent where they let you get your breakfast cheaper than out in the main fields.
janey godley
Posted: 04.31 Sep. 04, 2004
I now have annoying hacking cough that will not let me sleep!Thank God I dont smoke or I would be dead.To Bethany-v15 I loved the flowers in the green room at Glastonbury and yes I did notice them, although the smaller arrangements on the tables looked like the ones you got in a funeral directors window!
Am so tired right now and seriously considering crack as pain management, wish i could order crack over the phone, wish i still lived in the East end so that i would have a number that allowed me to do that!I want to SLEEP without breaking into dry annoying cough.Hate the Underbelly for giving me Deep Space nine pleuresy.
Bethany_V1.5
Posted: 11.44 Sep. 04, 2004
Quote (janey godley @ 04.31 Sep. 04, 2004)
I now have annoying hacking cough that will not let me sleep!
Thank God I dont smoke or I would be dead.
To Bethany-v15 I loved the flowers in the green room at Glastonbury and yes I did notice them, although the smaller arrangements on the tables looked like the ones you got in a funeral directors window!
Am so tired right now and seriously considering crack as pain management, wish i could order crack over the phone, wish i still lived in the East end so that i would have a number that allowed me to do that!
I want to SLEEP without breaking into dry annoying cough.
Hate the Underbelly for giving me Deep Space nine pleuresy.
I'm glad you liked them I spend two days cutting and preparing flowers and a day running around like a mad thing with some of my friends arranging those, I'm glad you liked them as for them looking like they were from a funeral parlour, well that's what happens when you let a couple of Goths loose with a whole load of table displays.I hope your cough gets better soon and you can get some sleep.
janey godley
Posted: 21.58 Sep. 04, 2004
Was supposed to go for a day out today as Liverpool was cancelled due to me being a green spitting moster with a chest infection, I ended up sitting in a meeting for three hours concerning a tv idea. Not sure what to make of the whole thing, I made all the right noises as the dude was VERY enthusiastic....who knows?
Spent the night watching TV cuddled up to husband who jokingly told me my breasts were not worthwhile showing in public as they are not that good ( I joked on the phone to a mate I was gonna flash boobs on TV)
Am really annoyed at husband saying this as Brett and Sam from Bound and Gagged think they are nice and have pics on their phone of my boobs...this is true ask them.I sent Brett a pic by phone pic mail and Sam got to take his own picture by pointing his camera down my top...ok his hand shook a bit but the picture is nice.
Have decided never to let husband touch said boobs ever again, that will teach him for dissing my titties!Am tired and am worried about scary dreams and coughs, seem to be getting screamy dreams again...shit.
janey godley
Posted: 01.06 Sep. 05, 2004
Tried to get an early night and left husband at the computer...cant fucking sleep, dreams are MENTAL, I wish I could get shot of them but I cant seem to.
Dreams that just go rampant without censorship through my brain...I lay there and feel sleep slowly take over, the numbness and niceness of silly random thoughts seeping into jelly lakes of nothingness then....a hand grabs me from behind, I try to shout "Wake up wake up" but the hand slides along my face, the fingers smell of...I cant recall but is something i dont like and the fingers close around my mouth.I am mute.
I feel the fingers close around my throat and I cant breathe and I wake up coughing...I jumped from the bed...I ran into the hall towards the living room and husband runs from there to meet me, as he knows that by the noise of the pace of my feet means there is something wrong...I ran into him and stand there just holding him and not speaking. Not wanting to speak, not wanting to say the scary bastards get me every time.
husband-"You want me to come in with you?
me-"No I am never going to sleep ever again"
husband-"Great get a job doing night shift it pays well"
I am going to go back to bed soon and try to sleep without screaming.
PS I just found out my lovley sweet step mum ( who I regard as my Mum as she is great and I love her) has been reading this blog, husband told me.
Ok Mum stop it, I talk about black men and sex and stuff and you are nice and respectful and cool, I hate you even read the word 'black cock' stop now and quit while you are ahead!My mum is a cyber granny!
nightmare
Posted: 02.28 Sep. 05, 2004
Tonight I'm going to play on your worst subconscious fears. I'll do it using what you give me to play with. The more you give, the more I will cut you with. Give me your demons and I'll amplify them - I'll make them hurt you because you're hurting me.
But when you stop fighting you'll kill me. For I am nightmare and you control me.
janey godley
Posted: 11.27 Sep. 05, 2004
yeah whatever, I am scary clown and coming to pull your leg down a drain...yadda yadda...fuck off, trust me fuck all can scare me more than shutting my eyes,anyway i am awake now...going to go visit my dad today and hang out with my daughter. life is good in the daylight.
Anton Deck
Posted: 12.04 Sep. 05, 2004
Quote (janey godley @ 11.27 Sep. 05, 2004)
yeah whatever, I am scary clown and coming to pull your leg down a drain...yadda yadda...fuck off, trust me fuck all can scare me more than shutting my eyes,
anyway i am awake now...
going to go visit my dad today and hang out with my daughter. life is good in the daylight.
I think what nightmare was trying to say is that you control the nightmares not the other way around. It sounds obvious but the nightmares only reflect your state of mind and probably the stress you're under. A few years ago I went through a spate of sleepless nights due to a series of bad dreams. Someone recommended I listen to one of those relaxation tapes before going to bed and it worked for me.
I've just checked on eMule (a files sharing program) and there a few self-hypnosis audio files on there. If you don't know how to download them you could always ask your cyber granny
Jonathan Creek
Posted: 04.02 Sep. 06, 2004
Quote (janey godley @ 23.53 Sep. 02, 2004)
e) I think about black men fucking me
BORING BORING BORING. Grow up for God's sake.
janey godley
Posted: 05.26 Sep. 06, 2004
I am sorry Jonathan, you need to understand that the bit you quoted is the list of things my sister moaned to me at, well the entire list to be honest from Ato E.I do have that in my head.You see I have bit in my act where I tell the audience about "The cute black man who lives inside my head"Trust me..he does...If you dont like it...sorry....wish i could grow up but I shant!Am truly excited that I found this quote in NEW YORK TIMES
August 26, 2004, Thursday THE ARTS/CULTURAL DESK
"visitors to the fringe can regularly find remarkable new work and some of the sharpest-elbowed comedy in the world. Among the shows highly touted by critics here this season are ''Spiral Bound,'' an A-to-Z routine by the American comedian (and last year's Perrier winner) Demetri Martin; and ''Good Godley,'' featuring the hard-bitten Glaswegian comedian Janey Godley"
wow! How cool?
It is now 5.24am, I did sleep but unfortunately there is more than a cute black man inside my head and sometimes he cannot cope either with the scary dreams and hides!I will try to grow up Jonathan and grow out of things in my brain! Hopefully!
janey godley
Posted: 11.13 Sep. 06, 2004
Finally slept until 10am. I had a doctors appointment at 10.10am, the docs is on the same block as me so I just jumped outta bed and ran there! (washed my face first and brushed my teeth!)
I have been having terrible headaches that make me blind and feel like I am dying, he gave me migraine tablets (which the chemist does not stock, he may have to get a drug dealer to buy them from Glasgow's East End). Doc has also scheduled a brain scan for me incase there is a big tumourish lump sitting in my brain beside the black man and sarcastic racoon (Racoon is a practising Jew and hates the boundary lines set and often wants to occupy the whole brain!,Black man is happy to keep me smiling).
Black man may be childish and this situation also may be construed as slightly racist but racoon is both black and white, therefore dispelling any racist myth I may have evoked in some people.
Childish YES!So I am awake for another day to fight the good fight and pay bills and discuss at length Ashley's future career prospects.
She is desperate to travel before she apply's to Drama school or Uni.So I may set up soem travel options for her. I will miss her and need to learn to let go.Hope tablets arrive and work soon,.
Anthony Miller
Posted: 11.39 Sep. 06, 2004
Quote (janey godley @ 21.58 Sep. 04, 2004)
Was supposed to go for a day out today as Liverpool was cancelled due to me being a green spitting moster with a chest infection, I ended up sitting in a meeting for three hours concerning a tv idea. Not sure what to make of the whole thing, I made all the right noises as the dude was VERY enthusiastic....who knows?
Spent the night watching TV cuddled up to husband who jokingly told me my breasts were not worthwhile showing in public as they are not that good
Divorce him.
He doesn't deserve them.
Jonathan Creek
Posted: 12.39 Sep. 06, 2004
Quote (janey godley @ 11.13 Sep. 06, 2004)
Black man may be childish and this situation also may be construed as slightly racist but racoon is both black and white, therefore dispelling any racist myth I may have evoked in some people.
Childish YES!
Yes your constant whining about wanting to sleep with black men is childish and since you said it yourself, racist. if you want to fuck a black man just do it and don't bore us all to tears with it. What exactly do you think a black man has between his legs anyway some kind of magic wand?
nightmare
Posted: 12.56 Sep. 06, 2004
I often fantasise about a night in a Thai whore-house, are you telling me that makes me racist?
Anthony Miller
Posted: 13.07 Sep. 06, 2004
See what I mean Janey ...? We ALL want to get on your tits.Quantity beats quality.
janey godley
Posted: 14.03 Sep. 06, 2004
Jonathan, As I have told people before, if you dont like the BLOG dont read it, no one makes you do it...and yes I do think a big black man has magic wand between his legs and YES i will do it if I want and YES i will tell all when i do.
wierd how you thought me mentioning Black was racist but NO mention of me saying racoon is practising Jew who is crap at sharing space!
Maybe its because being a Jewish person is a religion and not a race to you mr Creek? Or do you only see the word BLACK and jump onto that -who knows?So there you have it,if you are bored to tears go elshewhere.
Meanwhile...
Got the quote from New York Times onto my website!
Am hoping to be in London performing in December.Ashley woke up late as she never slept well last either, although I dont know if she was contemplating big Black sex??? never asked her...she probably was or maybe she is into racoons? I am not sure to be honest.Anthony thanks for tit comments, I am sure there is plenty to go round!
Jonathan Creek
Posted: 18.30 Sep. 06, 2004
Quote (janey godley @ 14.03 Sep. 06, 2004)
Jonathan, As I have told people before, if you dont like the BLOG dont read it, no one makes you do it...and yes I do think a big black man has magic wand between his legs and YES i will do it if I want and YES i will tell all when i do.wierd how you thought me mentioning Black was racist but NO mention of me saying racoon is practising Jew who is crap at sharing space!<
Maybe its because being a Jewish person is a religion and not a race to you mr Creek? Or do you only see the word BLACK and jump onto that -who knows?
So there you have it,if you are bored to tears go elshewhere.
If you want to put your stupid idiotic comments on a public forum then I can comment on them. If you want only want people to make ass licking comments then put it on your own website and control who can access it.
Saying a racoon is a practising Jew that is crap at sharing space is not reinforcing a stereotype. You constantly droning on about your fantasies about a man based on the color of his skin is. I too hope that you get to fuck a black man. And I hope that his cock is all you dreamed it would be and that it comes out through your gob and shuts you the fuck up. Glad that you got press coverage in New York. Wonder how your comments would be received there?
db brown
Posted: 20.01 Sep. 06, 2004
What a twat.
janey godley
Posted: 22.45 Sep. 06, 2004
well i would consider the New Yorkers to be fine about my comments as I have gigged there and no doubt said it there and will again and the person who reviewed the show would have no doubt heard me say the 'black man in my head' gag when she was in the show!
Maybe you are right, I should never say anything about blackmen, I will never confess to any sexual fantasy, I will keep my sexual thoughts to myself and my OWN SKIN COLOUR as that would never be racist eh?
Oh dear...lets discuss ....knitting...YES in any colour but black obviously!You are completely entitled to your opinion Jonathan, I agree through my sarcasm, I do put myself up for it and defend your right to say it. Sorry if I offended you.As much as you have the right to your opnion I have the right to mine. Lets agree to disagree?
Hate that I have made an enemy.
candysocks
Posted: 23.32 Sep. 06, 2004
Good on you Jonathan, you have her running scared.
She has no right to talk about sex with black men that is racist. She is a racist for saying it, well done Mr Creek.
She talks about the black man in her head, in her act.
I specifically read that in a review, God knows how she got the reviewers fooled.
Wonder how we would all feel if black Male comics talked about having sex with white women.Racism is what this is.
Okse
Posted: 00.40 Sep. 07, 2004
Quote (candysocks @ 23.32 Sep. 06, 2004)
Wonder how we would all feel if black Male comics talked about having sex with white women.
They'd probaly think, look at him trying to be Richard Pryor!
janey godley
Posted: 14.19 Sep. 07, 2004
i have to smile
cozza
Posted: 14.33 Sep. 07, 2004
Quote (candysocks @ 23.32 Sep. 06, 2004)
Good on you Jonathan, you have her running scared.
She has no right to talk about sex with black men that is racist. She is a racist for saying it, well done Mr Creek.
She talks about the black man in her head, in her act.I specifically read that in a review, God knows how she got the reviewers fooled.
Wonder how we would all feel if black Male comics talked about having sex with white women.
Racism is what this is.
You do appear to be taking the piss but, just in case you're not, what exactly makes either of these situations racist?
cutpurse
Posted: 15.08 Sep. 07, 2004
Surely racism is when somebody abuses their position of power and is prejudicial towards anyone who does not share their ethnic origin, no?
Ms Godley, it seems (and I bet) will give much pleasure back whilst she vents her Mandingo fantasies.
Lucky chap indeed. Can you (er) film it please? (god I’m a pervert).
Yozza
Posted: 15.16 Sep. 07, 2004
Bloody hell Okse mate, you're fucked if you can only have sex with people if the same race. Very limited you'd be.
Anthony Miller
Posted: 15.31 Sep. 07, 2004
Quote (candysocks @ 23.32 Sep. 06, 2004)
Wonder how we would all feel if black Male comics talked about having sex with white women.
Racism is what this is.
Why? I've always had a thing for black women ... I think it's called Vidal's syndrome.
Donno why - they just look better built than a lot of small weedy white girls who don't eat. And they're more fun and, more importantly, cheaper dates.
However, putting my scientist's hat on a moment...I thought genetically we're all engineered by nature to fancy people who are as far away as possible genetically to ourselves in order to prevent inbreeding problems etc ... it's actually true.
I'm not making it up - ...so fancying people from other ethnic backgrounds more is quite natural and healthy.
You can't argue nature.
Okay you can ... so shag your sister...
Okse
Posted: 15.50 Sep. 07, 2004
Quote (Yozza @ 15.16 Sep. 07, 2004)
Bloody hell Okse mate, you're fucked if you can only have sex with people if the same race. Very limited you'd be.
Too right bab!
"Where's all the Eurasian women at?"
Edit: Just realised I know two, and they're me sisters! Eww!
Hank
Posted: 16.04 Sep. 07, 2004
Quote (candysocks @ 23.32 Sep. 06, 2004)
Wonder how we would all feel if black Male comics talked about having sex with white women.
Racism is what this is.
Yeah Reg doesn't play The Stand!
Grant
Posted: 16.14 Sep. 07, 2004
I have the voice of a black woman in my head saying, "It's over and I never want to see you again."I'm like Hitler.
Michael_McEwan
Posted: 16.49 Sep. 07, 2004
Quote (nightmare @ 12.56 Sep. 06, 2004)
I often fantasise about a night in a Thai whore-house, are you telling me that makes me racist?
Mrs. Manning came out fighting after all these years.
Yozza
Posted: 16.50 Sep. 07, 2004
Right see where this has led now, Okse either has to shag his sisters or do without. It has got out of hand. Can we go back to shagging / thinking about shagging other races being ok again nowplease?
janey godley
Posted: 18.23 Sep. 07, 2004
Ashley couldn't sleep, I woke up with her dragging a huge inflatable mattress into my bedroom at 4am.
It squeaking and rubbed off the walls as she managed to squeeze it into position between my bed and the wall of the en suite shower.
I woke up screaming as I thought a giant puffy grey velveteen monster was coming to get me, husband shouted for no good reason other than the noise in his now squeaky bedroom.
Husband got up for a pee, forgot she was there and feel over the giant grey velveteen matress. He hates velvet and his aspergicness makes his scream when he touches it.
He screamed.I got up and forgot she was there and put my feet down onto a big wobbly jelly floor (the matress) I could not work out how I could not stand up properly.
Thought i was drunk!God help us, she needs to go to her own room.
(this whole section of BLOG was brought to you with a whole new attitude to mixed race sex- we no longer discuss it.
It upsets people and I am scared to admit I fancy anyone other than white people)
Okse
Posted: 18.31 Sep. 07, 2004
Quote (janey godley @ 18.23 Sep. 07, 2004)
Ashley couldn't sleep, I woke up with her dragging a huge inflatable mattress into my bedroom at 4am.
Argos?The mattress, not Ashley.A must for any travelling stand up who wants to avoid the couch or floor!
janey godley
Posted: 22.50 Sep. 07, 2004
The Mattress was bought from a camp shop for Glastonbury to be honest!
Weather was great today...who could believe that?Sunshine in the city, Ashley and I headed for Botanic Gardens and lay out on a rug, hissing at wasps!
They seem to want to buzz into my eye for reasons best known to themselves.
Late summer wasps are dangerous and evil.
Managed to sort out some old letters and office stuff, house is looking almost tidy!
Still managing to avoid all mental sexual thoughts involving any one not white.
So today I thought about
a) Jake Gylenhall (white American)
b) Russell Crowe (white Kiwi)
c) David Schwimmer (white Jewish Amercian ,still not sure if that is rascism)
Just realised that I have left all UK contenders out, so that in itself may be considered racism? Still not sure.
Am excited about trip to London in December, am looking forward to performing at Soho theatre, it sounds cool.
Grant
Posted: 22.59 Sep. 07, 2004
I got a fly up my nose today, you missed a great film tonight and David Schwimmer could open a right can of worms.
janey godley
Posted: 12.12 Sep. 08, 2004
Still not sleeping good, have taken to coughing and sneezing in my sleep.
Ashley watched a movie the other night about the plight of the Jewish people during Hitlers reign.
ashley-"Mum did you know that Hitler ordered medical experiments on people, they sewed twins together"
I was working in kitchen making something and vaguely heard her say "They sewed twins together"
me-"What are you saying?"
ashley-"They sewed wee twins together and poked one in the eye to see if the other one could feel it and stuff like that"
I was horrified and of course dreamt the whole night of two wee evil babies chasing me who were sewed crudely together..
On a lighter note I am trying to stop myself from stabbing husband as he constantly irritates me with random questions at really unopportune moments..
I am asleep this morning after finally getting to bed at 5am-and he wakes me at 8am to ask
husband-" Are you going out today?"
me-"Fuck off am sleeping"
husband-" Are you?"
me-"I am SLEEPING"
AShley moves around on squeaky grey blow up velveteen bed on floor and shouts "I am sleeping too, shut it eh?"
husband-"Will you take this to the bank for me?"
me-"Oh fuck off, leave it in the living room please go away am sleeping"
He then goes into hall and leaves the bedroom door open and starts his noisy beard trimmer...buzz..buzzz
Ashley and I both shout
"Shut the door!"
I got up and there is a cheque to go into bank, I could have noticed it without the wake up drama he does....arrrgghh drives me mental.
I am currently trying to write a play that has been commisioned. the guy called yesterday and asked me if I had any ideas yet.
I need to get cracking, I do have a game plan in my head but i need to get it onto paper and start impressing people.
Hard to do just now when all I have in me head is sewed twins and unpaid bills.
janey godley
Posted: 21.06 Sep. 08, 2004
spent the day at the park with Ashley, Ann Margaret (my niece) and her baby Abi (who is now 15 months)
The park was hot and people were lying all over the grass trying to keep cool or enjoying the sun.
We laid the blanket out and spread out the picnic, wasps decsended en masse, driving us mental.Abi did not mind them and simply shooed them away with her wee chubby fists as she chewed on a hunk of crusty bread that looked like it would choke her.
The salad was lovley, Abi managed to stamd all over it and spread coleslaw all over the blanket. Ashley spilled a whole cup of cola over the balnket and I wanted to scream!
I watched the people around us and directly opposite us was a couple of young women, they were wearing very skimpy skirts and tops, from where I was sitting I could see up the dark haired womans skirt and see her bright red knickers and I wasnt TRYING...both Ashley and Ann Margaret commented as we looked around us.
Abi..wandered over the grass and I followed, the women looked very young from a distance but as I got closer I did realise that they were actually in their 30's. I was a bit appalled at their shameless knicker showing!
Then opposite THEM and almost alongside us was an older man who seemed to be reading a magazine. He had one hand tucked under the jacket that was spread stangely on his knee and it was busy under there making me very suspicious.
He was staring at red knicker woman and fumbling around!
There were many young children and women all over this area.I went over to my family and said "Look out for Touching Himself Tommy, I dont like the thought of him touching himself around us"
I went over to the park ranger who happened to be walking by and explained the situation. He said he would keep an eye on him.
I got fed up with all this as I walked behind Abi as she stumbled around flailing at wasps. This time I saw his arm jiggle about and his hand was now 'deep' inside the 'covered over crotch area in this heat'.
People were all around, red knicker woman was blissfully unaware (of this I am sure she was chatting full tilt).I went and got the Park Ranger and told him this time he HAS TO MOVE HIM.
we all watched as the dude just simply struggled with his clothes got up and walked on.
I wished now I had ran behind him and kicked the old fucker in the back, my daughter, the wee baby and my niece were all exposed this old weird fucker.
The park ranger came over and said
" Maybe that women should shut her legs because that is enough to get you going"
I looked at him incredulously and said " Are you saying its her fault and now you need to fiddle with yourself?"
Park Ranger-" No I am sorry"
He then marched off .
I stood there looking around and wondering why wasps never fucking sting weird fiddlers and even odder Park Rangers.The sun shone but the day was a bit tarnished for me.
Dave Almond
Posted: 08.05 Sep. 09, 2004
So, what was the upshot?
janey godley
Posted: 09.16 Sep. 09, 2004
the upshot was the old man was removed from the park-no one could actually prove that he was indeed masturbating.The park ranger just told him to leave, no one else seemed to have noticed, I think its just me who sees these things.
I hope not.It was worrying me that maybe I LOOK for problems?Maybe the old guy was just sitting with his hand in his lap?..No I know I am right he was definitely touching himself, he even caught my eye at one point as I watched him when I was trying to figure out what he was doing, he smiled at me and kept going. Fuck that, I hate the thought he was maybe watching my baby niece as she toddled about or my daughter or for that matter ANY female old or young as he sat there touching himself.
On a lighter note, I hope the weather keeps up as I love the park!
Today I need to write some bits of the play, i may do that in the park.
Last year when i was rehearsing my play Point of Yes ( about drugs and East End of Glasgow) I would rehearse in the park, I am sure I frightened some people as I shouted sweary words and spoke of 'hitting heroin up in my eye'!
Last year I was the park looney!
Saw a seriously cute black man lying near the flowerbeds yesterday, but i did avert mine eyes as I am still only allowed to fancy white men...life is boring.!!
BurnleyDan
Posted: 14.48 Sep. 09, 2004
Quote (janey godley @ 09.16 Sep. 09, 2004)
Saw a seriously cute black man lying near the flowerbeds yesterday, but i did avert mine eyes as I am still only allowed to fancy white men...life is boring.!!
You should have shagged him in the bushes! lol
Jonathan Creek
Posted: 17.08 Sep. 09, 2004
Wish I was as controversial and interesting as you Janey. Don't avert your eyes from black men on my account. You go for it then you can come on here and tell us all about it. And then all of these people can kiss your ass a little bit more and you can feel like you are really important. Although I think you would stand a better chance with Wayne Rooney.
Okse
Posted: 17.22 Sep. 09, 2004
sing it:
"Take a pinch of white man
Wrap him up in black skin
Add a touch of blue blood
And a little bitty bit of red indian boy
Oh like a curly latin kinkies
Oh lordy, lordy, mixed with yellow chinkees, yeah (Hmm, not too sure about that bit!)
You know you lump it all together
And you got a recipe for a get along scene
Oh what a beautiful dream
If it could only come true, you know, you knowWhat we need is a great big melting pot
Big enough enough enough to take
The world and all it’s got
And keep it stirring for
A hundred years or more
And turn out coffee coloured people by the scoreRabbis and the friars
Vishnus and the gurus
We got the beatles or the sun god
Well it really doesn’t matter
What religion you choose
And be thankful little mrs. graceful
You know that livin’ could be tasteful
We should all get together in a lovin machine
I think I’ll call up the queen
It’ s only fair that she knows, you know, you knowWhat we need is a great big melting pot
Big enough enough enough to take
The world and all it’s got
And keep it stirring for
A hundred years or more
And turn out coffee coloured people by the scoreCoffee coloured people
Coffee coloured people
Coffee coloured people by the score"
Grant
Posted: 17.53 Sep. 09, 2004
I love Cook and Greenaway songs, but this look at 70's pop songs isn't helping us kiss Janey's ass.I don't even know she had a donkey.
Yozza
Posted: 18.57 Sep. 09, 2004
You see by getting knocked up by a Tunisian childrens entertainer I was helping us move towards a world of coffee coloured people, not being a sad slapper. I might fancy one of these yellow chinkees next, wanna help Okse?
Okse
Posted: 00.24 Sep. 10, 2004
Quote (Yozza @ 18.57 Sep. 09, 2004)
I might fancy one of these yellow chinkees next, wanna help Okse?
One Okse junior's enough, Don't want him to have any competition when he's older as the UK's only quarter Chinese comedian!
Edit: anyway over to you Janey,what y' been doing?
janey godley
Posted: 17.17 Sep. 10, 2004
Ok Jonathan, here's the deal, I respected your opinion and actually made an apology to you. Publicly on this forum in case i did offend you.Now you no longer are commenting on this blog as public forum with honest opinion, if I was racist then you are Ageist, and your comments are now personal and petty and at least hurtful.
Good on you, you hurt me, well done. I have probably never met you and yet you go for inflicting pain on me. Thanks. I specifically asked Steve Bennet to move me from Fringe Blogs to this place so people could comment and I could interact.
I am really important, to my family and the people who love me. I am not afraid of comments, but you are set on personally attacking me.
Please do contact me on Janey@janeygodley.co.uk I will give you my phone number if you need and you can tell me what your problem with me is.
You are right i would probably stand a better chance with Wayne Rooney as I am clearly a grand mother and a prostitute.??
Now I find your comments sexist.
Do you hate prostitutes? Is there a problem there?
My friends are prostitutes and I find your comments offensive.Jonathan, although you hide behind a nickname it is relativley easy to find out who you are, if I really wanted to.Dont spend your life being angry, it hurts.Janey.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
MY BLOG!
Meanwhile I went out camping last night, husband and I went up to jusy outside Balmaha. It was a beautiful night and we managed to set up camp. I was worried about erecting the tent. (the last time was at Glastonbury)
Husband was good at it, I stood and watched giggling. We went for dinner in Balmaha, we had to walk for 40 minutes along a beach front then over an iron bridge and through the woods to get there! On a hot sunny it was great fun.
Dinner was lovley and after a few beers we set off with torch in hand back along the same route.
Fuck it was DARK ... I mean scarily dark. The woods were now pitch black and our wee torch seemed to make no impact at all on the denseness of the blackness.The good news was that as the sky was deep blue and clear there were a MILLION stars out!
We stood on that beach, not a sound, even moving around made me feel we could hear the air being cut as we disturbed it, we lay down and looked up!
I was stunned, it meade me feel like a wee ant sitting there!
The walk back took an hour and a half. Finally the lights of Millarochy campsite were near. The midge's (wee Scottish Mosquito's)were in full biting mode.
Tucked up in a wee tent beneath a million bright stars we listened to Radio 4 and world service.
I woke around 4am with a horrible sharp pain in my lower stomach, I was sweating and thought i was going to vomit.
Fucking hell, I stumbled around slightly disorientated, I managed to pull on shorts and husbands big shoes as I fell out of the tent.
I could feel sweat run down my neck, the pain lurched from stomach to bowel...I thought I was going to faint. I could see the toilets, they were very near but my legs felt like that dream where you run, but nothing happens. The big clown like shoes did not help. but I had no time to find my own.
Vomit started to threaten my tongue.
Finally I made it into toilets.I dont want to explain in detail how both ends of my body exploded but suffice to say that afterwards I Iay down on the cold tiles and let a few insomniac midge's bite me. They can have my food poisoned blood, hahahahah.
The coldness was welcoming. Eventually I dragged myself up and staggered back to my tent. It was cold and dark.
What a fucking night to go camping, the time I need an en suite toilet!I knew there was a reason I stayed in 5 star hotels.
TOILETS!
Husband hardly made a sound as I flopped onto the big grey velveteen inflatable mattress, it merely hissed and he sighed.
My stomach gurgled, I held it and prayed for sleep.
This morning I awoke to a beautiful sunny day, I sat by Loch Lomond and had breakfast.
I told husband of my night sickness and he smiled and said
"Look on the bright side, thats weight you have lost"
I love him.
janey godley
Posted: 12.28 Sep. 11, 2004
Have sunburn all over my arms and face!
Arrgghh!
At least i finally got a summer, even if it was for just two days.
September feels too weird to be this hot. But am enjoying it to be honest. Right now I want to go do a beach holiday -now I have the taste for it, but am too busy to go anywhere for more than a day!
Am off to put after sun cream on to cool down my hot bits.
Have a nice Saturday....
Jonathan Creek
Posted: 16.46 Sep. 11, 2004
Quote (janey godley @ 17.17 Sep. 10, 2004)
Ok Jonathan, here's the deal, I respected your opinion and actually made an apology to you. Publicly on this forum in case i did offend you.
Now you no longer are commenting on this blog as public forum with honest opinion, if I was racist then you are Ageist, and your comments are now personal and petty and at least hurtful.
Good on you, you hurt me, well done.
I have probably never met you and yet you go for inflicting pain on me. Thanks.
I specifically asked Steve Bennet to move me from Fringe Blogs to this place so people could comment and I could interact.
I am really important, to my family and the people who love me.
I am not afraid of comments, but you are set on personally attacking me.
Please do contact me on Janey@janeygodley.co.uk I will give you my phone number if you need and you can tell me what your problem with me is.
You are right i would probably stand a better chance with Wayne Rooney as I am clearly a grand mother and a prostitute.??
Now I find your comments sexist.
Do you hate prostitutes? Is there a problem there?
My friends are prostitutes and I find your comments offensive.
Jonathan, although you hide behind a nickname it is relativley easy to find out who you are, if I really wanted to.
Dont spend your life being angry, it hurts.
Janey.
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You made an 'apology' followed by a load of sarcastic coments so do not pretend it was genuine. I'm ageist and sexist for saying that you look like Wayne Rooney's type? All I meant was that you are in the age group of some of the women that he has been sleeping with. I have nothing against prostitutes and I am glad that some of your best friends are prostitutes. Are some of your best friends black men too? I have no desire to get in contact with you. You made a comment based on a stereotype and I said I thought it was childish. I am not angry and do not care about you that much to be honest. I don't spend day and night thinking about you. Sorry that your feelings got hurt, but when you make comments such as these you surely must expect that not everyone will like them. You said you welcomed comments. What you mean is you welcome comments as long as they think you are hilarious and generally kiss your ass. My comments are personal opinion. Sorry they don't fall in line with yours.
janey godley
Posted: 17.02 Sep. 11, 2004
Ok glad you got all that out and am feeling more special that you are not thinking about me a lot.
I am of an age group that Wayne Rooney was sleeping with? He actually has been sleeping with a few women, one of them was black! One of them was 18 and another was 23?
What you actually meant was I am the age of the older prositute that he was caught with so dont hide behind words like you hide behind a false name.
So you are actually making comments that are based on stereo type. And yes some of my best friends ar black men, white men, mixed race men, women and I even have a black and white cat.
I made comments not against you you are surely making comments against me. Deal; with it.
By the way, I have lots of people come on here and tell me they think I am not very good, or I am a shit comic. Not everyone has to like me, I know this.Not all of them make accusations of me being rascist because I fantasise about having sex with a black man, if you fantasise only about having sex with women does that make you sexist?
I dont care if you dont like me, I dont care anymore if my words offend you, I no longer am going to answer to your postings, not because they dont 'Kiss My ass' as you commented but because you seem to be personally attacking me.
I will keep saying I have a big black man in my head who i think about having sex with over and over again, it is not racist it is my fantasy...so deal with it.
By the way Jonathan, thanks for keep replying- it does keep my BLOG going up in hits and views...so despite your averse comments you are still here...still watching...still talking.
Thanks to all who emialed me on this subject, Yes I do know!
Must go am off to play with big dude in me head...by the way he is so cute. and black.
Jonathan Creek
Posted: 17.23 Sep. 11, 2004
Yes you look like the old prostitute that Wayne rooney was sleeping with. Not a view based on a stereotype but based on your face.
No a man that only has fantasies about sleeping with women is not sexist, he is usually straight. Yes I am still here and still reading and glad that the number of hits are going up because then hopefully more people will see what an idiot you are. All though I suspect that it is just the usual ass kissers that are logging on.
And to all the people that PM'd me about this subject, yes I do know. Have fun with the big black dude in your head. What a lucky man. Please answer my postings. You are so insightful and intelligent and I don't know how I'll cope without our interactions.
comedyfan100
Posted: 17.59 Sep. 11, 2004
Creek sounds like someone who fancies you Janey, Did you refuse his advances?I think his comments are a personal attackon you, as usual behind a pseyudenom. To assume every one who enjoys this Blog is an ass kisser is to undermine the opinion of everyone who reads it. Just because you hate her Mr Creek does not mean you have to send hate propoganda and comments about her appearance and anything else you can do to make others dislike her.
That's in the same fashion of a Nazi, weird coming from someone who commented on her apparent racism?
Give up.Carry on Godley we like the blog.
janey godley
Posted: 20.26 Sep. 11, 2004
Dad came to see me today, was cool to see him looking fitter. He made it up all my stairs (48). This is a great achievement as he has not been up to doing that many stairs for a few years!
Well Done Dad!
He gave me a big telling off about getting sunburnt, he kept reminding me about skin cancer problems.
I took note and will never get burnt again.
Ashley is working for an agency doing part time waiting or general work, she is making cash for her year out.
Last night she was serving food to a bunch of 'snobs' (as she called them) at a posh Golf Club up in Bearsden/Milngavie area.
She told me how one woman kept looking down her nose at my child, and making discriminatory comments like "You study hard at school you would not be a waitress"
Ashley merely smiled and when the snobbish woman asked her for some cake Ashley replied "Actually that's Chocolat' Roulade"
Snobby woman sneered.
Ashley loves the work and the cash. Good on her!Got my news letter from BAFTA and EQUITY, I am a member of both.
BAFTA will soon send me voting papers, I am looking forward to getting the voting done.
Equity is important to all performers as it does help represent us legally and the insurance alone is good.It is hard to attend all the screenings and meetings for both, but i do try.
Grant (Chortle member) is also Bafta member and keeps me up to date with films he has saw, as i miss them. Grant is cool!Am babysitting Shawn tonight, my wee nephew. He is seven.
His favourite film is 'Bill and Teds Adventure' he watches it everytime he comes to my home.
Tonight after he watched it he came through and asked me who Sigmund Freud was ( an actor plays him in the film at the end when Bill and Ted present all the historical characters on stage at school), I explained as best i could and sat with him as we checked out info on the web about him.
Shawn sat there with that quizzical look on his face and asked " Why do people need 'psychicoferpithsts' do they just tell them all their sadness?"
me-"Yes thats what they do I think"
shawn-" Well if they say it all and explain it all to someone then that means they already know what is making them sad"
me-"Well- some people need to get other people to listen to them and it helps to tell others"
shawn-"I just write to Santa"
Shawn is right...Santa is probably the best psychotherapist in the world and if you are good you alos get a bike.
Grant
Posted: 02.06 Sep. 12, 2004
That was the voting paper Janey. Rummage around in the envelope a bit more.Dear Frankie is the runaway winner for me.
janey godley
Posted: 10.54 Sep. 12, 2004
you are right Grant, I was too dumbassed to even see it. No worries husband had it out and pinned to the notice board above the computer for my attention.
I think Dear Frankie is a winner also.
Went out last night to Jongleurs and watched Brendan Burns do his stuff, I love his comedy. We had a quick chat and I came home. Shawn had been upset because he was missing his mum and in my absence husband went down to the car and brought up the famous tent and he and shawn erected it in my living room.
When I got back Shawn was tucked up in a sleepingbag with a wee torch sleeping happily. My living room had been engulfed by the tent but the wee boy is happy!
he woke up this morning and ran into Ashleys room to watch yet again -Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.
I think he is addicted!
I recall Ashley being addicted to 'Dirty Dancing'. She would strut and dance around the house and shout lines from it like "Nobody puts baby in a corner"
Then fly off sofa with her legs doing amateur splits and crash landings to music that drove me mental.
Thank God she is over that.
janey godley
Posted: 01.42 Sep. 13, 2004
Ashley spent another day at the 'Old Folks Home' working as a waitress.
She came home and sat me down and said " Mum I promise you this -if you get old and mad and eat your own money and spend four hours eating cornflakes with a knife (two of things she witnessed) I will NEVER put you into care"
Me-"Thanks Babes"
Ashley-"I will just kill you quietly with a pillow, because I am on only child and it will all be my responsibility, its not like I have other family to foist you onto and to be honest I would hate to see you pee yourself and talk to lampshade"
me-"Thanks babes"
Ashley-"Mum it is such a shame, there is a funny man who is nearly 60 which is young, but he is mental, he wears Versace jeans and walks around with a wee dog, he was put into care coz he gathered all his belongings and made his house into one of those smelly 'Houses from Hell' you see on telly, but the good news is he knows all the words from Dirty Dancing!, I had him do a wee sing a long"
me-"Thats nice"
I have no idea what she sees doing this job, but at least she is making money and not spending it. Her year out will provide her witha lot of experiences i am sure.I cant wait to get old and smelly and let Ashley kill me!
janey godley
Posted: 17.58 Sep. 13, 2004
really wierd to have sunburn tighten and nip at my shoulders under a woollen jumper and wrap up against the cold.
What is going on with the weather?This time last week i was rubbing sunblock into Baby Abi's wee head, now wind and rain!
It is my brother Mij's birthday on Wednesday, he will be 50.My sister Ann and I are going through to Grangemouth to visit him. That should make for a fun day!
Ashley coughed all night, I had her in beside me as she has flu symptoms and felt quite ill. I was awake half the night as she barked into my face, I swear if I see her smoke today i am going to ram the fag butt into her eye in anger and disgust!
Had bizarre dreams and she only interupted them for a moment and I went straight back into weirdville...it was like a short intermission! I was awake patting her back then shot back into darkness and madness.
The evil clowns and slimy lizards waited for Ashley to finish coughing and got back to me as soon as I shut my eyes. I wondered in my fuggy hazey mind what the demons did when i was awake?
Did they sit back on spiny horned backs, slowly lazily biting nails or huffing till i get back?
Evil lizard (running with sharp claws exposed)-" Where is she?"
nasty clown ( leaning against dark alley wall)-"Apparently she is awake, her daughter is coughing up, smokes to much if you ask me, does Janey smoke?"
dark dirty man-" No she gave up in February, cant you tell the way she runs now, fuck she is faster, we must apply more leg gunge that slows her down eh?"
Evil Lizard-" Ok places everyone she is falling back asleep (shouts) Can we have a fucking paedeophile over her please, one that looks like her Uncle would be good!"
Thats what i imagine my dream state is like....BUT__somewhere in there is a cute black dude standing around naked saying-"Oh Fuck hurry up with the nightmares will ya? I wanna get in there and have fun"
Ok thats all in MY HEAD!
Who knows maybe thats exactly what happens?
janey godley
Posted: 23.10 Sep. 13, 2004
Laughed my ass off watching the news in Scotland. Not only is there a new fantastic great 'British Hope' tennis player who is actually from Scotland , billed as the new Tim Henman! I fucking hope not he is shit!
To make matters worse the 3 year too late and £50 Million 'over budget' Parliament was in the news again tonight...
Besides being £50 MILLION OVERBUDGET..I mean £50 million is a BIG under-estimate if every there was one, thats the biggest under estimation since Jesus faced the 10,000 and asked "How many fish and loaves do you reckon we might need to feed this crowd?"
And someone came up with the figure "Six loaves and four fish"
THe place suffered its FIRST CRIME!..YES someone walked in TODAY and took £10,000 from the safe!I cant stop laughing, the police asked why that cash was in the safe...my answer would be that they were buying a new toilet brush and it was cash on delivery!The building is fucking hideous...I saw it when i was through at the fringe.
The whole building has sillhouette cut outs of GUNS or Hand Held POWER DRILLS all over the whole side of it
Check it out....
janey godley
Posted: 22.00 Sep. 14, 2004
Ashley called last night to tell me she is staying over at her friends home. I was cool at this, until at6am she came noisily into the house managing to put on EVETY light and bang almost every fucking door in the house.
me-"Thought you were staying at Kirsty's?"
Ash-"Yeah, couldnt sleep and got fed up and wanted my own bed"
me-"Well go there and please stop the noise eh?"
I went back to sleep and went back to my childhood home to clean the bathroom out AGAIN! (how many times do I have to clean that toilet?) finally woke up with a phonecall from an actor who has offered me a part in a short play to be performed in Glasgow soon. I am excited but I cannot take the part YET as this week I am waiting patiently on 'other' news I am not allowed to talk about yet ( no doubt it wont happen them I will bitch/moan about it -trust me).
I will know either way by this weekend, so then I can back to making plans.
Ashley is talking about going to Amsterdam with her mate for a short break in october, this will be her first ever official hoilday on her own. I am shit scared of it all and am convinced she will .....
a) Fall on railway station line and get hit by Dam Centraal train
b) Fall into a smelly canal and die
c) Fall down narrow tiny stairs that occupy ALL Dam hotels
d) Fall over cobbles and get hit by tram
I do comedy gigs in Amsterdam at fab Comedy Cafe, I always nearly get hit by tram...or BIKE...I am really scared she will die there. Can U tell?The gigs in Dam are awesome and I love them , the people are lovely and I enjoy my stay.....last time I was there I discovered that the word KACK is the same word for 'POSH'
can u believe that? How I laughed every time I thought of POSH SPICE !!
Still dont want my child going there without me.I can now see why she plans to suffocate me when i am old, I appear to have suffocated her since she was young!
janey godley
Posted: 23.49 Sep. 14, 2004
Oh Dear God, there is a woman on C5 on that plastic surgery programme getting her vagina altered by a surgeon?????
WHY???
Is this something else we women need to be paranoid about???
I had a quick look at mine and it looks a bit like Groucho Marx.Trust me it does.I was going to put a pic up but decided against it.....( I was joking mother)
Nick P
Posted: 10.29 Sep. 15, 2004
Janey, was that building (pictured above) ordered from ‘Soviet Bloc Concrete Nightmares R Us’?
Grant
Posted: 13.25 Sep. 15, 2004
I think it's more like a late-60s Stuttgart department store.Anyway, Lord Fraser says no-one is to blame.Did those cut out giant hairdryers put themselves up there?
janey godley
Posted: 14.22 Sep. 15, 2004
I know that building is truly hideous( see previous posting with picture), if you gave my crazy brother a bottle of methadone, two valium and a chunky black crayon and a white card, he would have come up with something infinitely better than the ugly clumsy topsy turvy shithole that we ended up with and paid £50 million OVER the ODDS for!
Really it is a disgrace, on the opening day and man walked around with a red paint tub and brush and daubed it all over in protest, i was hoping they left it as I am sure a streak of red would only have enhanced the fucker!
janey godley
Posted: 14.40 Sep. 15, 2004
No one told me this news ( I love him still) or this BLOG would have looked very different today, Mormon or not I would have gave him some Puppy Loving.I am aghast that this Osmond secret was kept from me. Had Donny saw me last night he would have asked for my hand in marriage and by now i would be on a plane to Salt Lake City wearing a floral dress, learning how to bake and banishing all thoughts of black men from my head as Donny sang to me. I would be packing a basket trimmed with red gingham as we planned a picnic by the sea...I would be baking bread and sewing a big quilt whilst chatting to other mormon wives...cant imagine what i would say to husband and Ashley...???? Oh well they are grown up now...I always loved Donny.
Angie P
Posted: 14.54 Sep. 15, 2004
I'm fairly certain he's married Janey, sorry. I was at a recording of Parky when he was a guest and he went ON and ON about his his wife and kids. (at least I'm fairly certain he did ... now you've confised me, I'll have to check)
janey godley
Posted: 14.56 Sep. 15, 2004
Yes Angie i know BUT i heard they had separated?
Angie P
Posted: 15.15 Sep. 15, 2004
Ah, well in that case, go for it girl!!
Grant
Posted: 17.03 Sep. 15, 2004
Parliament is £400+ million over and Donny Osmond was in Pizza Express on Saturday night with a bird.
janey godley
Posted: 17.34 Sep. 15, 2004
£400 MILLION OVER?Holy Fuck!
Grant was she a cute bird that Donny had?Tell me the truth was she sexier than me Grant?
Give it to me, I can take it....
superfurryandy
Posted: 20.28 Sep. 15, 2004
Quote (Grant @ 17.03 Sep. 15, 2004)
Donny Osmond was in Pizza Express on Saturday night with a bird.
Blimey - I've been in that Pizza Express.Doesn't Donnie have multiple wives, being mormonic?
Dave Almond
Posted: 20.31 Sep. 15, 2004
Quote (superfurryandy @ 20.28 Sep. 15, 2004)
Doesn't Donnie have multiple wives, being mormonic?
[HACK] I've always found him to be very articulate and charming [/HACK]
tony cowards
Posted: 21.08 Sep. 15, 2004
Donnie Mormonic?Wasn't Keanu Reeves in that film?
comedyfan100
Posted: 11.20 Sep. 16, 2004
I hated the Osmonds, all those white teeth scared me.That small fat one was evil, singing about some person from Liverpool.
I thought Donny and Marie were a couple until I was around 20 then found out that they were siblings! Oh Dear God!
Grant
Posted: 14.41 Sep. 16, 2004
I met a load of stoners on the way back from a Grateful Dead gig who thought they were a couple even though they were siblings.
janey godley
Posted: 15.43 Sep. 16, 2004
I had to go buy some electrical goods today.
I shall explain...whilst in Edinburgh i managed to blow up some stuff by just touching it.here is the list...
a) Ashley's hair straighteners ( they just burst into flames as I used them)
B) My good hairdryer ( it just crackled and died as I used it)
c) My electrical lady shave ( it stopped working)
So far this month I have broken
the Hoover ( it stopped working)
Husbands Laptop ( the DVD thingy wont work)
Ashleys Videos player in her room ( I tried to switch it on).
ooh I also broke the light switch and bulb in ashleys bathroom, both the switch mechanism and bulb fitting had to be replaced!
I know this makes me sound like a scary 'Janey Electrical Hands' or something but its not my fault..I just break things by touching them????
Anyway I went into Boots today and bought the new 'Epliator'
It is a wee handheld machine that can do 'Painless Hair removal'
There is a picture on the front of a very happy smiling woman with smooth legs and body....
OK she NEVER EVER used that fucking device...I tried it, it is a roller with rubber dimples to stretch your skin then about 15 sets of wee tweezers that PULL out your hairs, its like something CALIGULA invented, remember in the film he had a device that swept across the arena that sliced off the heads of Christians as they popped through holes? Well this is the thing that rips all your hairs out as you scream!
I swear to God the woman who uses that device is on morphine, I hate that i am hairy, I hate the pain.
I am going to back to shaving all my body to bits!I want to find the happy smiling smooth woman on the front of the box and punch her really hard in the ear, just to see if she actually has a pain threshold at all.
janey godley
Posted: 10.48 Sep. 17, 2004
Well my legs are smooth, my legs are sore as well, because I did try the evil Caligula hair pulling machine.
Life goes on beyond my hairy issue's.Is it just me or does everyone want to smack that smug Otis Ferry right in the posh well bred teeth with a dead fox stuffed with ball bearings?
I mean he is BRYAN FERRY'S son, fucking hell, of all the things he could be doing-;sitting on beach snorting drugs off a sex kittens boobs, living in Cannes hanging out with cool people? NO...fucking being upset because the privilged rich bastard may be prevented from chasing a wee creature through the woods with a pack of dogs? What an arse!
Bunch of Posh fuckers storming the 'house'. give me a break, they looked like a gang of Tory teenagers high on blue Smarties!
I watched the whole 'police beating posh people' thing as well. It amazes me that they can all have those nice teeth, it was easy to spot the Pro Fox people, those white horsey teeth were prominent. I am sooo jealous, i have real shit East End teeth and am going to spend a grand to get them fixed soon! I may even get a posh accent to go with it?
I hope they ban fox hunting.Hope they ban Maddona from going to Israel as well, she already has boundary issue's with her country house in rural England and is preventing ramblers from getting near 'her land', when she comes back she may very well erect a wall.
Wish she would stop pretending she has found religion and go create some great Gay anthems...like she used to.
Am having a rant today!
Petana
Posted: 10.56 Sep. 17, 2004
Thank you Janey, I will pass the information about the epilator onto my friend who was considering buying one as some evil bitch (probably that smiley lady) told her they weren't as painful as people made out.
Anton Deck
Posted: 16.40 Sep. 17, 2004
A mate of mine once tried to use his wife's epilady to have a shave. He assumed it was just a normal shaver and ran it up his neck. His scream could only be heard by dogs, but his wife's laughter could be heard by all.
janey godley
Posted: 17.09 Sep. 18, 2004
oh I saw in Hello Magazine today a big spread of "Donny Osmond and his beautiful wife Debbie, talk about their love and strong marriage"
I really thought he was single.My heart is broke.
In another magazine was a big spread of "David and Victoria Beckham share their love and happiness over the new pregnancy"
I looked at fifteen big colour pictures of both of them kissing, hugging, lying in bed, wrapped around each other, gazing into each others eyes....I had to admit he was rather sexy and cute lying there and he FUCKS other women despite being married so I like him more now.
It was quite sad and pathetic watching Victoria pout and bend over in her wee short skirt with her stick thin legs and plastic pushed up boobs....it must be awful being pregnant and trying to starve yourself...poor cow.
When I was pregnant i vomited for nine months and lost more weight than I should have and Ashley grew bigger and bigger as she was a living parasite, I almost died and she was so healthy and huge!
Occasionally I look at her and still want to punch her for the dreadful illness and near death pregnancy ( I went into a coma twice) that she caused, but then it wasn't really her fault...probably her father gene's after all they hated me enough to want me dead!
Meanwhile...Donny looked happy and his wife was all cutesy and blonde and wifey....bet she can make good soup, I know I cant -but I give good head.
janey godley
Posted: 18.19 Sep. 19, 2004
Watched 'Brief Encounter', that old Lovely Black and white film by David Lean and written by Noel Coward.
Starring Celia Johnston and Trevor Howard.
It really is a fantastic film and so well shot.
Although i cannot stop laughing at the whole thing, poor Celia plays a well kept middle class woman who lives in Bromley (Somewhere like that), her husband is a banker who wears a full three piece suit at home and looks around 67 although he is probably only 26!
They have two kids, a boy and a girl, when they speak in the film I swear to God -Prince Charles would have struggled to have had such upper class pronunciation!!
Celia also has a cook and house keeper. It seems her only duty is to go shopping for some vegetables.
Can she do this locally? NO fucking chance she has to get a train into the local town.
This woman takes a train and picks up some shopping, a few books from 'Boots'?? Then she goes to the 'pictures'.
She meets a doctor by chance at the train station as she gets a 'bit of dust in her eye'
Before long they are meeting up every week as she goes shopping and then off to the 'pictures' with her new friend.
I have never seen so many smokers in my life as in that picture house, (Jesus the smoke is so thick I am surprised that people can see the screen).
They start to get excited about meeting up despite both of them being married; Trevor explains that his wife is very small, dark and very frail. Which suggests he cannot have sex with her incase she breaks?
This is in the social era when if a woman 'looked' at another man in any sexual way she gets sent to a sanctuary to get 'electric shock treatment'They meet up and they go into the country for a walk, have a wee boat ride, in which he falls into the water-then they both go to the boatyard to dry off and of course MAKE TEA (as if to go a whole day without tea would have been insufferable) He tells her that their affair has driven him to leave England and live abroad as they can never be together.He suggests going to his friends apartment for some quiet time (yeah right mate!) and leaves her to think about it when she refuses to come along.Celia strolls around the station debating whether or not to go with Trevor; it was a big dilemma for her.
Her head was saying “Go home bake cakes"
But her pussy was shouting “Eat Me!!
”Eventually she ends up in the flat (which was very swish and YUPPIE-ish for mid- 1940's) and sitting there with her doctor friend, the sexual tension was palpable...Just when you think they may actually touch knees- they are interrupted by the doc's mate. (Who incidentally is the gayest man I have EVER seen in my life)Celia flees the apartment by the back door ( how awful when one has to leave by the service entrance) and goes running through the streets hysterical and ends up sitting in the park smoking and crying (this appears to be such unruly behaviour that even a policeman stops to comment and check on her!)
She eventually phones her husband at home and lies easily about being out so late without an escort, (She should have fucked her doctor, she was a competent liar and could have carried it off ). She then walks to the railway station soaking wet and sad and meets Trevor in the tea room (he had been looking for her frantically) and now is saying his final goodbye as he is going to emigrate to South Africa (Hopefully not to buy a farm coz that will surely end in tears, posh English farmers don’t get taken lightly now).
They are interrupted by a 'beastly but kindly? Woman friend (who talked too much-that would be my role in that movie!) Therefore they don’t get to say goodbye properly! (they drink four cups of tea, I am convinced its all the fucking caffine thats making them so highly strung)
Trevor simply squeezes her shoulder as he leaves the tea room to catch his train home to his frail skinny wife (posh spice no doubt) Celia gets so upset she dashes onto the platform.The express train comes hurtling through and she contemplates suicide!
(I mean -go home and touch yourself woman, get a grip)
Finally she goes home to her husband who is still wearing a three piece Wooster thick tweed suit sitting trying to do a crossword in a house with a roaring coal fire...(fuck he must be sweating & dying to strip off and sit in his vest like a Northern unemployed man that he has read about in the newspaper)
Celia sits and darns socks as she looks kindly at her fat wooly husband and thinks to herself...."I am just an ordinary housewife in an ordinary house...how did this happen to me?"
I will tell you why, you fancied another man, the thought of sleeping in twin satin covered beds with a man who is clad in wool and smokes a pipe who cannot fucking finish a cross word without interupting your private thoughts was KILLING you....you wanted a blonde skinny dashing doctor who loves the movies, smokes fags and seems to work a three day week for the NHS and had time to hang out on boating lakes, and took you for champagne lunches, he even had a fancy Pied- a -terre and a snappy gay friend....it's OK to admit it!
I think I will watch "To kill a Mocking bird " next and give my version of that?
Nick P
Posted: 10.42 Sep. 20, 2004
Quote
Her head was saying “Go home bake cakes"
But her pussy was shouting “Eat Me!!”
If they release a special edition of this, that surely HAS to be the strapline. Genius.
HazelHumph
Posted: 10.51 Sep. 20, 2004
Quote (janey godley @ 18.19 Sep. 19, 2004)
I think I will watch "To kill a Mocking bird " next and give my version of that?
Yes please - I have just been trying and failing to stop giggling for the past 5 minutes reading your "Brief Encounter" summary - brilliant!
Just don't get me started on my "Four Weddings and a funeral" rant.
Nick P
Posted: 11.06 Sep. 20, 2004
I’m trying to imagine Janey’s ‘Four Weddings…’ summary:“
Stop stuttering y’pasty wee streak o’ piss and grow a pair o’ balls.”Or something.
HazelHumph
Posted: 11.18 Sep. 20, 2004
Quote (Nick P @ 11.06 Sep. 20, 2004)
I’m trying to imagine Janey’s ‘Four Weddings…’ summary:
“Stop stuttering y’pasty wee streak o’ piss and grow a pair o’ balls.”
Or something.
I still can't believe he chose that vacuous hair-tossing cat's-arse-lipped woodentop gold-digging lying yank whore over Kristen Scott-Thomas. It is wrong wrong wrong! I'd have rather he shagged the punky woman who died of an asthma attack or Simon Callow's bellowing stuff pink westkit than Andy (Cos she's worth it) Macdowall.* sorry Janey - that film makes me so angry
janey godley
Posted: 18.09 Sep. 20, 2004
Had fun with Brief Encounter but life moves on.
I slept until 2pm today, somthing i have not done in ages, it was good to sleep that long and I did enjoy it...dreams were mental but not too scary..
Ashley was off working today at the old folks home, she loves the old people and comes home full of stories of sadness and funny=ness, it has to be said that old people do funny shit and it would wrong NOT to laugh.
Ashley is trying to write her first play and hopes to put it on next year at Fringe. It is shaping up good and I am proud of her, I wish I had that confidence when I was 18.
I was serving and living above a bar at that age, trying hard to fit in as a new wife and landlady in a wee East End pub.
My in-laws never really liked me much, not their fault, I talked too much, laughed too loud, never really understood their family values and I wasn't a Catholic. This last bit made me laugh coz although they were born Catholic none of them actually practised their religion but liked to shout about it????
I soon realised that I never wanted to be accepted by them because after a few years getting to know them it was good I never became one of them...thank GOD!
I never liked the bingo, gold sovereign rings and a desperate need to fall pregnant by 'mistake', my idea of a night out didnt include getting drunk and shouting at strangers and talking shit about other peoples' marriages.
My in laws still dislike me and this pleases me no end.
The minute they like me I will question my own personality.So here I am 24 years married next week to a man who's family told me was 'too good' for me, they begged me not to ruin his life by marrying him.
We were so young but so determined to stay together...it worked....Mind you after all the shit we have been through together there was many times I wanted to walk out.
But like Celia Johnstone in Brief Encounter, I stuck by my morals and gritted my teeth and forged ahead.Unlike her from Brief Encounter my husband never wore a wool suit indoors and he hated crosswords!
janey godley
Posted: 01.32 Sep. 21, 2004
Dirty Dancing is a film i loved for all the wrong reasons.
Its set in the Catskill (A word that always confused me...does it mean CATS_KILL , where people are scared of big evil cats or does it mean CAT-SKILL where they discovered that big or small cats can either dance to music or are good at engineering?)
Anyway Catskill Mountains where in the 1950's the middle class Americans went to a Butlins type holiday camp.'Baby' ( Or Frances) arrives with her Mom and Dad and big sister (cant recall her name but she looked about 40 and very dumb). They are regulars and well liked as Frances father is a doctor ( Big time respect for the father from all around especially from their waiter as he needs not only tips but a letter from a holiday camp guest to get him into Harvard medical School??? wot the fuck??)
Anyway Baby happens upon a an underground dance night with camp staff, she is about 15 in the film and very naive.Enter cool snakehips Patrick Swaze, he is up there shaking his stuff and dancing like a sex god as Frances helps deliver a watermelon to the party ( I suspect thats where the drugs are kept, I mean for fucksake who brings a watermelon to a dance night?)
Patrick is the dance captain who not only teaches the guests to dance but also puts on dance display nights and in between fucks older rich women as the husbands play poker( obviously 'poker' but not able to poke-er themselves)
Patrick has a long term dance partner and they have other dance commitments in another holiday resort but Patricks dance partner Shirl admits she is pregnant and cries in front of baby.
Meanwhile in an effort to get a boyfriend her strange father introduces her to a young weirdo that works at the camp. Baby spurns the advances of the camp owners nephew-despite him telling baby he was the "catch of the county" This guy really needs a punch in the balls.Baby asks her rich daddy for cash and wont tell him why,
(the father gives her a wad of cash no questions asked!) she gives the money to Shirl to get a dirty needle backstreet abortion that almost kills her....(lots of screaming and tummy clutching and sweating when this movie came out in 1987 the abortion rate dropped by 30% in USA!)
Baby risks all and goes to wake up her father to come help, even in the middle of the night in the middle of a vacation he has his docs bag at his side (awww)
Her father accuses Swayze of almost killing the girl by getting her pregnant and then getting a dirty illegal abortion. ( the baby is a result of her fucking the waiter who wants to become a doctor-now two things here-shouldn't Shirl know by now not to fuck the staff? and Shouldn't the wanna be doc know how to NOT make women pregnant?)
Anyhooo....Shirl is in post abortion rusty knitting needle recovery and Swayze is without a dance partner for the big night out at the Hula Hula Club...In steps Baby..he pushes and pulls her into shape, making her strip down to her trainer bra and dance her wee teenage tits off...he then makes her go into the water with him as he tries to throw her up and down splashing and diving ( its all fun and games till a hymen gets broken).
Meanwhile her father is annoyed at Baby for getting involved in the whole 'watermelon sexy dancing abortion crew' and getting money off him.
Baby's sister dates the nasty would be 'Doctor waiter' and dresses up like a hoola girl and sings the WORST SONG I have EVER heard in my life...it was so off key it made Victoria Beckham sound like Barbara Streisand.
Patrick and Baby go to the other hotel and do the dance with success. I mean -there were seventeen other female dancers that could have stepped in to partner him I counted them in the original dance opening watermelon scene! They were all great! But no!- he had to have the fifteen year old strip off swim and fucking dance!
They go back to his hut and have sex..Patrick has no problems with the morals here ( at least he knows how to NOT make her pregnant)
Patrick beats up the nasty waiter cum doctor and looks brutally sexy and baby almost wets her pants.
Then Swayze gets falsely accused of stealing wallets from an older woman he refuses to have sex with ( I mean he coulda fucked her, its not as if he and Baby were getting married and wots he doing having sex with someone called 'baby'?)
Baby gives him an alibi which means she has to admit to her father she spent the night with Swayze.Now no-one seems to bother about him having sex with a minor which makes me now think Baby must be eighteen...but truly looks about 14 in the film ??? I get confused...Now her father is disgusted that his child is now shagging the whole sexy dirty dancing watermelon abortion crew.Swayze still has to leave camp but he stays to
"Do the last dance" this is where he gets the music changed and utters the immortal line as he runs over to baby sitting with her family " Nobody puts baby in a corner"
I suppose its ok to put baby in the sea and throw her around then put baby in a pair of high heels and a sexy dress and fuck her...but not a CORNER!
The film ends with Swayze dancing his weird square faced ass off and everyone joining in, even the dirty abortion girl comes to life, women squeal and slide on the floor, partners get up and dance their happy tits off and the whole world smiles on the Catskills....I personally wanted baby to tell her family to fuck off as she gave up her education and privilged life and went to live in a trailer with Swayze...but that would never happen, white trash are just good for a bit of rough...even if they do teach you the pasadoble...its not worth giving your life up for!So Swayze went off in his sexy car and baby went to Havard. I like to think that she met and fell in love with a woman who would lie in bed with her each night and sing "Time of my Life" as she rubbed slices of watermelon all over Baby's bare naked body.
janey godley
Posted: 18.56 Sep. 21, 2004
Well enough of me watching too many video's. I have at least 10 days to finish of reading through and tweaking the book as the deadline is October 1st.
I like the book so far and hope it does read ok.
I will always be insecure about it that is just life
I suppose.
Am crying at the special Olympics, a woman just won a bronze for some horse riding competition and she was so happy she cried and then I cried then her wee brother came on TV and he cried.....I mean get a grip Janey...Sorry I am a bit pre -menstrual today.At least these people actually finish races- having lost a limb or being blind does not hamper them..take note Pauline!
Ashley is complaining she has missed the start of the new OC series so her life is so OVER!
I will have to sell my soul to get her the whole series on DVD to stop her from trashing her bedroom....well if you could ever make her bedroom trashier than it already is.
Michael_McEwan
Posted: 21.42 Sep. 21, 2004
Quote (janey godley @ 18.56 Sep. 21, 2004)
Ashley is complaining she has missed the start of the new OC series so her life is so OVER!
I will have to sell my soul to get her the whole series on DVD
Fear not! I have recorded the first few episodes. I'll give you a loan of them if you like when I did them out.
janey godley
Posted: 18.36 Sep. 22, 2004
A horrible rainy day in Glasgow yet again.Ashley and I went out for lunch and shopping.
I neededt to buy new towels as my old ones really are falling apart. I wrapped a bath sheet around me last week and pulled it tight and all I could hear was RIPPPP!
I tore the old thing in half!
My ass was too much for it probably!Ashley needed Sooooo many clothes, she needed a new tweed jacket ( all the rage apparently, maybe she has watched Brief Encounter too many times!) and new boots (this girl has more shoes than ......Monica who has more shoes than....Madonna)
Ashley wore a low cut halter neck top which revealed a little bit of cleavage. This was ok until she bent down in Primark to try on the new boots and made the male shop assistant poke his own eye with a coat hanger!
Fucking saved me doing it I can tell you!
I need to stop fretting about who looks at her sexually, i just cannot reconcile myself to believing she is tall and lovely.
Although I did smile today when a friend i havent seen in years came over to chat, he took one look at her and smiled to me and said " Wow, compliments to the chef!
"That made me giggle.
She took it wrong and said later "That man implicated I was a quiche that you hade made! Mum you cant cook!
"Still I did make her....I did something good eh?
janey godley
Posted: 21.14 Sep. 22, 2004
I am stressed to bits. I have a decision to make about a TV offer made to me. I have spent last three days feeling sick thinking about the right and wrong of it. I really dont want to go into details as it would be incredibly unproffesional and churlish.
I feel i have been writing shit on my blog, normally i am totally honest and raw on here but I cant until i make a choice about what i want to do.
So am sorry for spending last week or so writing blah blah about other stuff other than me and my feelings.
So bear with me as I talk about films I have saw and how tall and nice my child is at the moment!As soon as I can talk I will...trust me...
Off to bite my nails more and I have even taken up plucking my moustache which is fucking really sore, i am now chewing the ends of my hair again...which will look lovely on TV eh?
Char
Posted: 22.17 Sep. 22, 2004
Been having a read through some of your postings.Your funny! LOL!
janey godley
Posted: 22.32 Sep. 22, 2004
Thanx Char, normally when someone makes their very first ever posting and has just joined Chortle and that posting is to to me its usually to slag me off....so you can imagine how pleasantly surprised I am...thank you so much.Enjoy!Best wishes Janey!
Anthony Miller
Posted: 13.22 Sep. 23, 2004
Quote (janey godley @ 21.14 Sep. 22, 2004)
I am stressed to bits. I have a decision to make about a TV offer made to me. I have spent last three days feeling sick thinking about the right and wrong of it. I really dont want to go into details as it would be incredibly unproffesional and churlish.
So that'll be the "Shall I do reality TV Comedy Big Brother with Bernard Manning", will it?
Go on.. be unproffesional and churlish. If you don't know how I can give tips.
Anthony Miller
Posted: 13.39 Sep. 23, 2004
Quote (janey godley @ 15.43 Sep. 16, 2004)
OK she NEVER EVER used that fucking device...
I tried it, it is a roller with rubber dimples to stretch your skin then about 15 sets of wee tweezers that PULL out your hairs, its like something CALIGULA invented, remember in the film he had a device that swept across the arena that sliced off the heads of Christians as they popped through holes?
That's probably one of the most horrible things I've ever seen on film that sequence.
In fact the whole film is really scarey and not much is that scarey.
It's the kind of horror you actually feel dirty for having watched like the kind of unhealthy feeling you get having watched some porn.
You just feel you shouldn't have seen it.
I think that's what horror should be.
Decapitations are always urrrrrgh - particularly the one in the Omen - but Caligula is totally unremittingly sadistic from start to end.It's almost like a porn film. In fact I think there was a whole load of porn that was cut in then cut out then cut in then cut out and it all ended in some massive court battle.
Really disturbing.
BurnleyDan
Posted: 14.13 Sep. 23, 2004
If it is the big bro for comedians thing, do us a favour and chin bernard manning for us will ya? or just wind him up about ya little black man?
comedyfan100
Posted: 16.28 Sep. 23, 2004
Janey if you are up for BB Kings of Comedy ( I think you wont win as the clue is in the title) but still do it. I saw on Boothby's website that he is doing it, also heard rumours about Ava going on but that's not confirmed to be honest. Anyone else know who's going on?
I think Janey would be funny and very honest, you can tell us all about it on your blog when you come out?Or maybe you may see the thing as too tacky?Hard call I suppose.
Anthony Miller
Posted: 16.31 Sep. 23, 2004
I have heard that some people are refusing to sign the contract if Manning is in.By the way I know nothing about Janeys secret projects - this is pure conjecture.
Dan the Man
Posted: 17.27 Sep. 23, 2004
I had to write in as Jonathan as it seems is too busy to reply to all GODLEY’S latest crap. Don’t let GODLEY on the TV its bad that she is aloud to spout her crap here. That was a great set you and the boys put on the other night candysocks it was an outstanding performance by you.
HazelHumph
Posted: 17.28 Sep. 23, 2004
Quote (Dan the Man @ 17.27 Sep. 23, 2004)
That was a great set you and the boys put on the other night candysocks it was an outstanding performance by you.
Was this some sort of group sex thing?
janey godley
Posted: 17.32 Sep. 23, 2004
as predicted someone joins up under another assumed name to have a go !
You are the fifth person to log under an assumed name..is everybody scared of me? Cant anyone say anything under their own name at all?
But there you go Dan, you logged in had to create a new email address or stupidly done it under your exisiting one(which means if I want i and others can find you!)
I am honoured Dan..thanks a lot...all that bother for just me!
Do try harder to hide your identity or we will guess. PS_That was interesting to see 'dan the man' dissapear from the list of users online and then that 'other' name re-appear! Becareful dude or be clever!
Carry on everyone ...nothing to see here just another false name having a dig!
Anthony Miller
Posted: 17.38 Sep. 23, 2004
Quote (Dan the Man @ 17.27 Sep. 23, 2004)
its bad that she is aloud to spout her crap here.
I've told her she's undermining civilisation but she wont listen.
janey godley
Posted: 17.42 Sep. 23, 2004
shut up Anthony, you are addicted to my blog!
I like being 'aloud' to spout crap!I like the sound of that 'aloud' heheheheheh
Anthony i have missed your squiglly purple snake avatar!...ooerr missus thats sounds naughty!
Hank
Posted: 17.45 Sep. 23, 2004 Janey
If you do the telly thing will you not be scared of accidently letting stuff slip about your past?If not I'd love to see you on telly
janey godley
Posted: 17.50 Sep. 23, 2004
Hank thanks for support, i do think after my Edinburgh show Good Godley! there is not much i have left to expose to be honest.
Unless someone out there knows more than me...i do suppose if i ever do televison ( By no means confirming anything here that has been suggested) I will have to grin and bear any stories that do come along with being in the public eye and by the amount of false identity postings on here with attitude a few hundred men will say i either shagged them or killed their dogs/cats/babies or that I was a hooker a drug dealer I mean fucksake I will be vilified more than Gary Glitter!
who knows?
But thanks for all your past support.x
I have almost hit my target of 33,000 hits on the blog!
Thanks everyone for tuning in...even the fuckers that try to hurt me helped!
I had a bet on that I could reach 33,000 hits before end September. I am chuffed.
martynsadler
Posted: 18.02 Sep. 23, 2004
Quote (janey godley @ 17.32 Sep. 23, 2004)
That was interesting to see 'dan the man' dissapear from the list of users online and then that 'other' name re-appear! Be careful dude or be clever!
What was all that stuff about?
I didn't understand.
Dan the Man
Posted: 18.42 Sep. 23, 2004
That’s right if you're not a GODLEY fan then she gets all upset and her friend’s starts to threaten you with postings in her GUEST BOOK.
----------------------------------------------------
September 10th 2004
07:45:28 PM
What is your name?
A FRIEND Where are you from?
EAST LONDON How did you hear about me?
FRIEND OF A FRIEND Please enter your comments.
NAMES HAVE BEEN NOTED (~~~) AND IF THEIR CRAP CONTINUES THEY WILL BE DEALT WITH.
-----------------------------------------------------
GODLEY doesn't any real gig at Comedy Clubs in Scotland; even Fred MacAulay won’t have her on his radio show. The reason she got all of her EDINBURGH FRINGE REVIEWS is she went back to her old profession with a little help from her old friends that she has written about.
Paulie Paul N.
Posted: 18.47 Sep. 23, 2004
Quote (Dan the Man @ 18.42 Sep. 23, 2004)That’s right if you're not a GODLEY fan then she gets all upset and her friend’s starts to threaten you with postings in her GUEST BOOK.
----------------------------------------------------
September 10th 2004
07:45:28 PM
What is your name?
A FRIEND Where are you from?
EAST LONDON How did you hear about me?
FRIEND OF A FRIEND Please enter your comments.
NAMES HAVE BEEN NOTED (~~~) AND IF THEIR CRAP CONTINUES THEY WILL BE DEALT WITH.
-----------------------------------------------------
GODLEY doesn't any real gig at Comedy Clubs in Scotland; even Fred MacAulay won’t have her on his radio show. The reason she got all of her EDINBURGH FRINGE REVIEWS is she went back to her old profession with a little help from her old friends that she has written about. Shouldn't that read "Dan the silly little Boy who need to go to bed without any supper".
You snivelling little wretch.
PS And I've never even met Janey.
comedyfan100
Posted: 18.48 Sep. 23, 2004
yeah that's right Dan she went round and managed to get six FOUR star reviews and one FIVE star review by getting old East End connections to threaten the Scotsman, Guardian, Herald and all the other very respectable broadsheets that praised her and NOT one journo' exposed a scam of threats!Fuck off ya 'nutter.
Well Janey at least Dan never said you fucked you way through the reviewer's!
Mr Chortle gave her a four star. Was he scared as well?
Dan, well done her 33,000 hits are going to be reachable as long as you keep posting mate.
Michael_McEwan
Posted: 20.42 Sep. 23, 2004
Quote (Dan the Man @ 18.42 Sep. 23, 2004)GODLEY doesn't any real gig at Comedy Clubs in Scotland; even Fred MacAulay won’t have her on his radio show. The reason she got all of her EDINBURGH FRINGE REVIEWS is she went back to her old profession with a little help from her old friends that she has written about.
Sorry Dan, but you're just a wee bit
(<------------ ------------->, something like that much)
wide of the mark.I'd suggest you check your facts about the gigs and, when you're done there, you and candysoxs and the rest of the cradle cretins can go fight over who gets to sook the dummy tit first.You doss twat.
Grant
Posted: 23.12 Sep. 23, 2004
Quote (Dan the Man @ 17.27 Sep. 23, 2004)I had to write in as Jonathan as it seems is too busy to reply to all GODLEY’S latest crap. Don’t let GODLEY on the TV its bad that she is aloud to spout her crap here. That was a great set you and the boys put on the other night candysocks it was an outstanding performance by you.
Your English is not bad. What is your mother tongue?
martynsadl
Posted: 23.37 Sep. 23, 2004
What a great tribute to Janey that the lovely Dan - who it seems only joined Chortle today - should stumble upon Janey's blog within the Chit-Chat menu and, as his/her first ever posting, should decide to slag her off and then, having discovered how much he/she hates the whole Janey thing, what happens next...?
Why Dan goes out of the Chortle website, goes to Janey's website, finds the link to her Guestbook (which is not given in this blog), goes to the Guestbook (which is not part of Janey's main site), reads all the way through the Guestbook to find a single entry, then comes back to Chortle, goes to the blog and tries to slag Janey off again in his/her second ever posting. What a great tribute to Janey that 'Dan' should go to all this trouble. On the other hand, dear dear, this could almost seem like obsessive behaviour by a rather frail mind treading with difficulty along the edge of reality. The next we know, Dan will be writing in under other fake names to build up a comforting collection of imaginary friends.
janey godley
Posted: 00.28 Sep. 24, 2004
just fresh from the Comedy pub crawl..for Merchant city festival.I was host and Mc'd each of the five bars.
It was great fun 50 people turned up...Americans, Oz's, Kiwi's and loadsa Scot's all sat back and loved the entertainment. We went from pub to pub and the weather was great, the comics were really fun...I have to say that Simon Mckinney (kiwi comic) was cracking! I do love him!
The night ended at O'Niells Irish bar in Merchant city.
It was really succesful during Glasgow comedy fest although at £5/£4 I do feel it was underpriced for five hours of comedy and fun, next time he should charge £10.Thanks to all who made it a good time...
Alan Anderson
Posted: 08.54 Sep. 24, 2004
People accuse me of being a tight fisted money grabbing bastard, yet what do I do, I almost give away 5 hours of fantastic comedy for only £5.Great night, logistical nightmare, who ever originally came up with the idea will get a beer from me.
Arthur DaleyPosted: 09.39 Sep. 24, 2004
Quote (Alan Anderson @ 08.54 Sep. 24, 2004)People accuse me of being a tight fisted money grabbing bastard, yet what do I do, I almost give away 5 hours of fantastic comedy for only £5.
I know. It is very depressing how the honest entrepreneur is no longer appreciated in this day and age.
jaames
Posted: 10.19 Sep. 24, 2004
There's yer 33000, Janey - it's been great reading this whole blog, more entertaining than the naysayers... erm... say. Look forward to reading much more.
janey godley
Posted: 11.00 Sep. 24, 2004
hurrah...thanks James!Lalal lalalala lalalalala.....I am off to smile. for a while!
Outatime
Posted: 11.02 Sep. 24, 2004
Janey, I'm a bit late on this one but I found your blog through the Edinburgh ones and now I'm sticking with you. You make me laugh, any chance you'll be touring your show?
Alan Anderson
Posted: 11.24 Sep. 24, 2004
Have you not been reading, she toured her show last night around the mean streets of Glagow`s Merchant city.
Outatime
Posted: 11.31 Sep. 24, 2004
But I don't live in Glasgow
Hank
Posted: 12.50 Sep. 24, 2004
Quote (Outatime @ 11.31 Sep. 24, 2004)But I don't live in Glasgow
You don't know what your missing!
janey godley
Posted: 17.22 Sep. 24, 2004
I am gigging in London in December see my website www.janeygodley.co.uk Most of the gigs I do in Scotland are at Jongleurs, Vault and Cosy Comedy cafe..also Alan Anderson gigs...
Am so hot today, the weather is nice again (odd)Had lunch with a friend of a friend over from Great Barrier Island ( a wee beautiful island just off New Zealand) I visited GBI when i was gigging in NZ and I can tell you, this wee island is the most amazing place in the world.
They create their own electricity and are not part of the national grid, the grow organic produce and are self sufficient in all manner of ways.
Far from being a hippy-ish retreat they are a great bunch of friendly people and the landscape is breathtaking. The ocean front with happy dolphins playing around is just a perfect glimpse of heaven for me (although dolphins scare me as i did get bitten by one)I stayed there for three days and am still mesmerised by the photographs i took, i may be able to put one up here as soon as i get it organised.Anyway the friend was over on tour of Scotland and she was lovely and nice to meet. Part of me was so jealous that she was going home to that beachfront house on Great Barrier Island, but part of me knows I could not live there as the people are so laid back and calm.I am a nutter with attention deficit disorder.When I arrived on the island, I demanded to meet the hotel owner so i could pay and get unpacked.
He was not there, his house was lying open and no doors were locked, the place was stunning but i needed locks and angst as I am Scottish and angry!
Eventually he turned up smiling and cool and showed me my room, he left me to unpack. Then he came upstairs to my room...made me unplug my phone...made me leave the room and HOUSE/HOTEL unlocked and took me down to the beach adjacent to his house so i could chill out for a few minutes!
I sat on that warm beach and finally stopped talking and stressing and managed to be quiet.
He just smiled as I breathed quietly for the first time in ......alll my life I think!It was the best three days of my life on GBI, Wayne who owned the house had built it himself and it was unbelievable!
All reclaimed wood and wonderful colours, their was original local art hanging and funky painted walls and sculptures, out the back was a round walled garden with a camomile lawn and a huge stone bath with a removable slab that doubled up as a table!
I remember every detail and when i am fucked off with the world I go to GBI in my head and hear the sea rush over the sand and smile.
It was the only place that I never had nightmares in as well!I am stressed about nightmares....been having lots lately...shit I even started sleepwalking again...
Char
Posted: 19.18 Sep. 24, 2004
Id love to go to New Zealand. I bet it is amazing!!!
janey godley
Posted: 02.12 Sep. 25, 2004
Yes New Zealand was the most wonderful place on earth to me.
I love travelling. Was reading though Edinburgh stuff and came across new stuff written since i got home.Was well chuffed to see a nice write up on New York Times by Jesse McKinney.
It is cool to get a good mention.."For all of that, visitors to the fringe can regularly find remarkable new work and some of the sharpest-elbowed comedy in the world. Among the shows highly touted by critics here this season are ''Spiral Bound,'' an A-to-Z routine by the American comedian (and last year's Perrier winner) Demetri Martin; and ''Good Godley,'' featuring the hard-bitten Glaswegian comedian Janey Godley."
Jesse McKinney New York Times
I am over the moon with that, I was also in touch with the guy from the NYC 'Underground 'comedy festival, his name is George Sarris. He was very helpful and the festival sounds cool. I wont be able to go though due to commitments here, I loved doing gigs in New York coupla years ago when my mate lived in Queens .
janey godley
Posted: 12.56 Sep. 25, 2004
too many nightmares for one girl..
AAArrrggghhh...I sleep walked again, woke up and was sitting on the hall floor beside the cupboard.????? I actually had opened mail that came through the door at 8am...I have bitten a letter?What the fuck does that mean?? I am now chewing mail?? like a strange dog??
shit shit...It is now 12;54 and I am finally awake.
The good news is -the mail was my deposit back from the flat in Edinburgh..hurrraahhhhh!
Grant
Posted: 13.27 Sep. 25, 2004
Quote (janey godley @ 02.12 Sep. 25, 2004)hard-bitten Glaswegian comedian Janey Godley.
"It's the dolphins. They've tracked you down to here and are making up shitty names to get you.
janey godley
Posted: 14.10 Sep. 25, 2004
dont say that Grant, i will now dream about dolphins biting me again...shit................
Grant
Posted: 17.59 Sep. 25, 2004
I dreamt I was in Chesterfield. I win.
janey godley
Posted: 01.32 Sep. 26, 2004
Getting through the book as the deadline is October 1st.
Went back up to Shettleston (my home ground) I walked up the close (stairway) where I used to live. I stood at my mum's old door and for a very brief moment I thought she was going to open that door, stand there and shout at me for being late.!!
I traced my finger slowly round the dug out grafitti 'janey' that I gouged into the hard wall in 1970. There was thick paint inside the letters making them barley trace-able now.I knocked on my old door hoping to get an answer. (it is a community flat now)
There was no answer at all. I slowly bent over and peeked through the keyhole and I could see the hall floor, and the toilet door was ajar, there was light from the window flooding the toilet and hallway. There was a nice red carpet in the hall and bright lino on the toilet.It all looked so clean to me. The nights I go back in my dreams and clean that bloody toilet and here it looks clean from my limited view!Maybe thats cured my bad dreams about cleaning the place?
I sat on the stairs and it all felt so small to me now. How I wished I could have seen my mum just once more...just a glimpse.
Its feels horrible but it seems her face is dissapearing from my memory.I walked slowly down the stairs and onto the street, it was desolate and empty. No children running about or even playing in the back court.
I looked across the street to the house where the man who killed her once lived. He was her lover and murderer.
I walked down the street and at the bottom was a bunch of flowers and tributes to some young guy who was shot there a couple of weeks ago and died on the street where I used to play.
Watching people slowdown to read the tributes, I thought of my mum who considered flowers a huge waste of cash "Ye canny fucking eat flowers Janey" she used to say.
The sadness drained me a bit, so I closed my head off and went to straight to Great Barrier Island.
The sea crashing against the rocks, the sun beating on my face and thanked God I still had imagination if nothing else.
My brother shouted over to me and pulled me from my day dream.My big brother David still lives in Shettleston, I love seeing him.We sat and reminisced for a while, later I walked over to the bar where I met and married my husband.
It was 24 years ago this week, i stood there dressed in white acrylic lace, a diamonte head dress and veil and I held the hand of my teeenage husband.I wished I was allowed one day back, I would go see my mum and my dog Major.
It was good to get home to Ashley and husband, I hope my nightmares go.
janey godley
Posted: 12.11 Sep. 26, 2004
well...going home did not quell my nightmares.
At least I didnt die last night...which is good.
Am going to try to get my house cleaned out today...a kinda spring cleaning thing.I feel if I clean the whole place ( Not that its manky!) and get cupboards organised and stuff, my life will feel more organised.Ashley hates me doing this as I force her to throw out stuff she no longer needs and she is persisitent hoarder.
Oh well.....have a good Sunday all!
candysocks
Posted: 12.51 Sep. 26, 2004
who cares?
Grant
Posted: 15.05 Sep. 26, 2004
Quote (candysocks @ 12.51 Sep. 26, 2004)who cares?
You do. Of course you realised that when you made up a fake name to log on here and spout your shite.
Anton Deck
Posted: 15.07 Sep. 26, 2004
Quote (candysocks @ 12.51 Sep. 26, 2004)who cares?
Apparently you do. Otherwise you'd have no interest in reading this thread and commenting.edit: looks like Grant beat me to the obvious answer
janey godley
Posted: 18.08 Sep. 26, 2004
My knee hurts and I can no longer walk without limping a bit, I dont recall actually hurting it, yet the pain is horrible.
Maybe I have finally reached old age and my body is falling apart!Yipee cant wait to see what breaks next.
Possibly my tits will fall off or something, maybe obe of my eyes will just pop out?
Who knows?? but i hate pain and I think someone somewhere has a doll of me and is stabbing it with a jaggy needle.
I am going to spend the rest of my day laughing because if you send out anger and pain at someone apparently it comes straight back at you...I am being good so that Kharma will be clean and nice for me.
janey godley
Posted: 13.18 Sep. 27, 2004
i think I may have discovered why my leg hurts. I was sleep walking this morning and woke up banging my leg off the door frame.
I have a big bruise on my knee. Lovely.
I may have to be tied to the bed...but this will look bad and Ashley will scream if she saw that-I would scream too.
It is our wedding anniversary today.
Cant believe it really, never thought i would get here EVER! Thought it would all be over by 1982...and so did his family!
We lived together as teenagers got married as teenagers.
Must remember never to do that in my next life...way too young to be married.
We will probably be going out for dinner tonight, I hope he hasnt bought me anything coz I never got him anything. We dont do that anymore.
I have had my lot of diamond rings and pearls and stuff..dont need anymore jewellery. especially as I dont actually wear it EVER!
Anthony Miller
Posted: 17.42 Sep. 27, 2004
janey godley
Posted: 18.03 Sep. 27, 2004
well as it says....Not confirmed YET!
Still swithering...Although i did buy new pyjamas today and new bra's..mmmm
Char
Posted: 22.09 Sep. 27, 2004
Happy Anniversary
janey godley
Posted: 22.43 Sep. 27, 2004
thank you Char.
Well dinner was not on the menu tonight instead we argued and then made up and then went to Sainsbury's late shop and bought cakes.I need to stop starting fights in the house.....
Outatime
Posted: 00.00 Sep. 28, 2004
Apparently my parents almost divorced over some tiles this weekend. I think you did well to get cakes out of it
Grant
Posted: 00.20 Sep. 28, 2004
Come on Copperfield!
janey godley
Posted: 02.42 Sep. 28, 2004
So making up with cakes was nice. Husband let me have biggest cake and I was smug then realised that my ass is going to triple in size soon!need to stop eating so much weight is getting out of control.
I am off to London tomorrow as a friend has passed away, he was a good man I am going to visit his wife, she is a good friend. It's very sad.
Last time we spoke was when he dropped me off at station to get to Bound and Gagged gig last year.
Now he is gone.
Makes me realise how short life is, i know that sounds really cheesy but that guy was only 8 years older than my husband. I tried to remember this tonight as my friend is in London missing her man and I am here shouting at mine....makes me think...Am off to bed. maybe even to pray.
janey godley
Posted: 16.54 Sep. 29, 2004
Thanks for support but to be honest maybe we should not make assumptions??
Called in to see my friend today, an very sad about her husband and makes me appreciate mine even more now.
Journey to London was very quick, forgot BMI did such late night flights.
Made it into Earls Court to buy some fresh milk and guess who was there in my fav shop??? YES! The man who fought with me over my Scottish Shit money!!
He was actually pleased to see me and smiled even more when i presented him with....yes! A Scottish twenty pound note!
Woke up not screaming but i have a small lump under armpit that hurts???
Ouch...must get it checked soon...Talk later.
Ps Just called husband and sure enough he doesnt exist...the mobile number just hummed and when i spoke to Ashley and asked her had she seen her father she replied " What?? I have a father?" Seems all this time i imagined him, shit...I hate when that happens, you mean all this time i have been single and refused great sex with tall dark strangers???
Well good to know i am single now...that will be interesting for me.
(heheheheheh)I m joking of course but to be honest and I mean REALLy honest there is NO Mr Godley. I have never known anyone by that name so those assumptions are bang on.
Char
Posted: 22.56 Sep. 29, 2004
lol
HazelHumph
Posted: 13.55 Sep. 30, 2004
Quote (Dan the Man @ 00.04 Sep. 30, 2004)Jane Mackay is a lady and not from the same side of the tracks as GODLEY. Martynsadler you have a lot to say are you giving GODLEY one? It appears to be that GODLEY’S husband is not around anymore.
To all GODLEY’S little groupie GODLEY could never grace the same stage as JaneMackay.[devil]
This is nearly hilarious!
Can I be a Godley groupie? It sounds great!
Paulie Paul N.
Posted: 17.06 Sep. 30, 2004
Quote (HazelHumph @ 13.55 Sep. 30, 2004)Can I be a Godley groupie? It sounds great!
You already are babe. And it is fuckin' fantastic!!! Me you and all the "others" who shall remain nameless!
Paulie Paul N.
Posted: 17.08 Sep. 30, 2004
Quote (janey godley @ 16.54 Sep. 29, 2004)there is NO Mr Godley. I have never known anyone by that name
What about the fella who wrote I'm Not In Love?
Dan the Man
Posted: 19.01 Sep. 30, 2004
Othello William Shakespeare That jealousy it is the green-eyed monster which doth mock the meat it feeds ... is a shouting match, wherein husband and wife completely fail to communicate?
janey godley
Posted: 19.38 Sep. 30, 2004
Heheeeeeeeeee Yes I am called after Kevin Godley from 10cc.
You see..and most know this Godley was originally my middle name (my Aunt married John Godley from Surrey in 1959) he was cousin of Kevin Godley!
I changed my name legally from my married name to my middle name years ago.
Am still in London and yes I finally finished going over the book for a final time..it gets submitted to Random House tomorrow!
HURRAAHHH!
Never slept a wink last night, cant seem to get off to sleep at all.
Thanks to all who supported me through the weary task of writing the book. I do appreciate it.Miss ashley already, you have no idea how good it is to have a child who totally gets me, she is such a good comic writer and I am proud of her and we both share that love of performing that only others who have stood on stage would understand.
Miss her heaps.
Well i am sweating & sticky here in Earls Court..must go get a shower and celebrate all of todays events.
jonmc2003
Posted: 19.52 Sep. 30, 2004
Woohhaa Good Godley, you shagging Martyn Sadler? Mmmm juicy gossip!
If he is a big black dude then the answer will be yes, no doubt!
Get real Dan.My God ! Your spelling and grammar need to be checked constantly, can you actually speak English?
Best to write it first on word then spell check etc..that way you wont look such an arse on here.
Char
Posted: 19.57 Sep. 30, 2004
lol