Janey's Blogs - August 2005
Monday
the 1st of August 2005
11:37:51 PM
Don’t
say Fuck to the public
Read
in the newspapers today that TV Hypnotist Paul McKenna has been ‘training’
Scottish hotel staff to ‘be friendlier’ to their paying
public, as we Scots are known for our ‘shit service’. Can
you believe that we need a hypnotist to teach us to be nice to people
who are using our services?
I
do…though I cant imagine how Paul McKenna would have treated
my old staff back in that Pub in the East End of Glasgow, no amount
of eye staring and positive thinking would have stopped my boys from
pissing in your pint if you annoyed them!
They
did some nasty things to the evil annoying customers that irritated
us…one old customer was a big fat bloated wife beating bastard,
who used to stand at the end of the bar and shout orders to us like
we were fucked up mental patients, he particularly hated me as I always
answered him back.
Some
men in that pub HATED any woman who answered back; it was the kinda
place that if a woman didn’t wear an underskirt she was eligible
for electric shock treatment!
Anyway
this fat dude called Albert, put his wife down in front of people,
he berated my staff and thought he owned the place. To show off he
used to demand a pot of tea in the middle of a busy service, he was
never charged for it as he was a regular, but I know a barman who
used to skip to the toilet and squeeze his teabag in the TOILET BOWL,
then bring it into the kitchen and make up his pot of tea for him….!!!
Mind
you that probably is just a joke!
I
am sure Albert’s tea was perfect and no one got a pissed pint.
Seriously though-Scottish service can be dodgy; we still haven’t
quite gripped pleasing the public yet. I go up North regularly and
stop off at different wee tea/lunch places and am often appalled at
the food and service. The amount of café’s or tearooms
that I have visited in the countryside and been offered ‘Taste’s
like Milk’ portions with my coffee is awful. I mean we are IN
THE COUNTRYSIDE …how many cows surround us? Is it so hard to
get fresh milk there?
On the flipside when we do come across a good place it is awesome
and very well done, one of my favourites is the George Hotel in Inverary
is great. The food is fresh and local and the menu changes regularly,
it’s also reasonable and the service is so prompt and helpful.
Another
good place is between St.Andrew’s and Perth its called The Bein
Inn. A great live music venue at night, surrounded by amazing hills
and forestry, the food is just top notch. The service there is also
first class and again fresh local produce and amazing fish dishes.
On another note…
Am all set for Edinburgh and can’t wait, I have been worried
about it but NOW I AM UP FOR IT!
Can
you believe it? I am going to the world’s best festival to perform
and do something I love EVERY NIGHT…life does not get better.
Mind you I am not buying a pot of tea from ANYONE even if Paul McKenna has trained them first.
Tuesday
the 2nd of August 2005
11:45:48 PM
Breasts…Again!
I
am all set to go to the Fringe, my show is ready, my bags are packed
and today I found another lump in my breast. I have had biopsies before
and am currently ‘under surveillance’ in the lumpy tit department
and just when I thought I was safe…
I
am smiling though, as I have been fretting so much about my show-tickets
sales-reviews..Etc..Etc..And after all that I might have to get me
tit lopped off! Great!
I
am not going to worry myself sick; I just need to go through another
biopsy and mammogram. That really hurts you know. I don’t want
to scare anyone but getting your tits squashed by two flat plates
until your boobies resemble thin and crispy pizza’s is fucking
deathly painful. I know I have done it twice before. You think your
tits will POP! If they squeeze them one more centimetre, Guys reading
this? Imagine your nuts flattened by two ceramic bathroom tiles and
pressure on them till they look like prawn dim sum!
The show will go on, I am talking to my doc tomorrow and he will decide
what day I go to breast clinic and I will go on stage that night as
I HAVE to…and I WANT to.
On another note, I managed to scar my daughter’s eyebrow. She
asked me to wax them and the wax tape was so strong that it ripped
out her wee tough eyebrows and has left a big strip of red bruise
above her eyeball!
She is telling people I gave her a black eye!
Friday
the 5th of August 2005
06:55:38 PM
FRINGE
Sorry
I have been away for a wee while, my laptop was fucked and being here
at the Fringe made it more difficult for me to find internet or get
it fixed easily. We did take it to a wee geeky man who declared it
fit but did mention in my receipt the following info..
Invoice number 53
Vat number 502533775
Janey Godley
(said she was a comedian)
Service details
Recover internet connections
Check for viruses—ok
Check for Spyware—ok
Check for Firewall—ok
Check for porn-I need to meet you
‘I NEED TO MEET YOU?’ what the hell does that mean?
I
have porn in my laptop??? So much PORN that he has to meet me???
Anyway’s I am into day two of my Fringe Show, my opening night
was good fun. I decided not to give away free tickets to fill the
room as I prefer people to be there because they want to, it’s
like having a man fuck you who doesn’t actually like you…and
I am not doing that. I got a good house anyway, especially for a first
night!
Met Rain Pryor, she is a lovely talented US performer and Richard
Pryor’s daughter, her stuff is very good and her show is on at
the same venue as mine –Underbelly venue 61.
We came across a really good café/restaurant called ERAWAN
off Jackson’s Entry, they are very swanky, the coffee’s
are cheap yet great and the WI/FI internet is FREE…also they
took time to help fix my PC…so I love them.
I am off to Glasgow tonight after my show and the scary story telling
show I do after mine. I need to get up early for Radio show on BBC
Scotland at 1pm Saturday.
Update on the breast scare—I have an appointment for next week
and will let you all know asap the results.
Thanks for ALL your supportive messages. XX
Sunday
the 7th of August 2005
03:24:51 PM
Sore
legs and Sore Boobs
These
cobble stones in Edinburgh are killers, I think the people who lived
here in ancient times did not die of any plague but of SORE CALVES…
mine ache beyond belief. The flat we have is just off the Royal Mile,
it is in a really old building and the views are amazing, the only
problem being down on the Royal Mile is that you cannot walk out of
the flat to get a newspaper or regular stuff BUT if I wanted a tartan
Dolly, Tartan rock, Tartan Shawl, Tartan kilt or a wee Nessie doll,
a big Sword (why?) or any other piece of Scottish tat then I am surrounded
by Tartan shops that will provide such shite if I need it.
I know that it’s there for the tourist but the pavements are
so narrow that you can hardly walk through the street without being
mobbed by Japanese, Chinese or American tourists gawking and stopping
dead in the street to stare at Tartan tat…it drives me nuts!
I
am a grumpy old cow.
I had in four reviewers last night (Saturday) and I am so glad the
show went well, it is always a worry that the minute the reviewers
come you fall flat, but I did a good show and the crowd (all payers!)
cheered and I sold books afterwards!
My boob is sore and tonight I go home as tomorrow I go to the docs
for the latest in my rounds of ‘Lump hunting’ therapy.
I
will go for my biopsy during the Fringe and WILL perform that night
as I am a trouper! Well that’s what I plan to do anyway.
The
press so far have been interested in me.
I do a show about abuse/murder/pain/domestic abuse etc…they
always ask me how I can make such subjects funny, and I love that
question because I really don’t know the answer, I just know
that I do and I enjoy doing something different from other comics.
It really is storytelling as I call it and because I have had an ‘interesting
life’ it makes the show meatier.
My daughter is working hard and I am very proud of her as always.
More
whinges though….
I
have to say that I HATE seagulls, I lie in that bed in the flat and
the noise of those big fat white bastards really irritates me, how
can they be that loud? If my microphone breaks at the gig, I am going
to do my show through the arse of a gull as that would be heard for
miles!
I
think they have amplifiers in their evil throats, why cant they all
fuck off to a beach?
There is nine dead pigeons outside our flat and that worries me, who
is killing them? The Gull Mafia? Maybe this is the latest in the Gull
War? I actually watched a gull peck and eat at a dead pigeon…YUKK!
I am off to try to fight with my mental curly hair that is defying gravity and all manner of expensive hair products, it resembles a huge angry bush, I think I may have a dead pigeon in it.
Monday the 8th of August 2005
02:21:14 PM
Happy
days on the Janey Murder Mystery Tour!
Murder
accusation update…see end of blog
Well my first review is in…it was in Edinburgh Evening News and
it was very good.
A fine 3 *** and it mentions how last years show was hard to
top’ It would be tough to top last years supremely well received
show’ then it goes onto say ‘The Godley saga continues to
unfold and it’s absolutely captivating’
So I am heartily pleased by that review of my first night!
I have more to come and am waiting with baited breath, am worried
no one likes this years show.
Spoke to a journalist last night who did say kind and interesting
words, he told me that my show last year dealing with abuse/murder/revenge
and all the various problems I had in my past has really set a precedent
and that other comics are now doing shows dealing with their pain/abusive
pasts and other dangerous topics…I am very flattered at that
comment, although I always assumed comedy was steeped in tragedy and
as far as I am concerned Bill Hicks and all the rest were dealing
with frightening topics way back then and they will always remain
my Hero’s.
Went to see ‘Shake, Rattle and Noel’ at the Gilded Balloon
5.30pm.
I can tell you now it was AWESOME…I was stunned by the performance,
anyone reading this and planning a to see a show BUY A TICKET NOW.
Noel deals with his Tourette’s Syndrome and then takes you on
a journey of his past, it covers drug dealing, sea faring, dancing….I
swear it’s just fantastic. I am so inspired after watching that.
My doctor’s appointment has been moved to Tuesday now.
Each night in my show I tell the audience I suspect someone I am involved
in of murdering the man who murdered my mother and I tell the audience
to watch this blog for daily updates on this. As yet he has NOT confessed
and is MIGHTLY annoyed that I keep asking, so therefore today’s
news is …
“Leave me alone, I told you to stop asking me that question…is
this in your show or something?”
Tuesday
the 9th of August 2005
12:49:18 PM
Sleepy
In Canongate
Murder
accusation update Tuesday-see end of blog
I had the Perrier in last night and I think the show went ok? You
can never tell as I have now had seven reviewers in on the first THREE
days! So that can be good or bad, I am not sure but at least the two
that have been printed are THREE stars! I am preparing myself for
what the others think of my show.
I am loving doing the show, I just love being up there on stage and
nothing can change that for me.
I
go today through to Glasgow to get my breast lump checked as yesterdays
appointment had to be moved.
The good news is I have had some TV people approach me with some ideas
and I have had bigger theatre gigs suggested so my reason for being
here is being justified.
My daughter was out late last night and when I checked on her this
morning she was still fully clothed with black (is that racist?) panda
eye make up rubbed round her big eyelashes, her pillow looks like
the shroud of Turin, must remember to wash it today.
I had an early night as I have stuff to do and meetings all bloody
day.
Edinburgh was sunny yesterday which mean today it will probably snow…that’s
Scotland for you.
I
am not worried about the breast lump thing as I feel too positive
to let it get me down.
Yesterday I met Gary, he was the bloke in 2003 who tried to throw
himself off a building on the Grassmarket, he was in a bit of a state
at the time but after a chat he came down and we are now pals. He
is still on his feet but yesterday he felt faint and I had to get
an ambulance for him as he had a panic attack, I have slowly realised
that maybe he is fine as long as he doesn’t meet ME!
He
came to see me after my show last night.
Me-“Hope you are ok; don’t take to throwing yourself off
any more fucking buildings Gary”
Gary-“Naw Janey,I now live in a bungalow”
Me-“That’s ok then”
Murder Accusation Update-
ME-“Did
you kill that man?”
Him-“If you don’t stop nagging me about something that happened ten years ago, I am going home”
Wednesday
the 10th of August 2005
12:59:19 PM
Come
on Eileen!
Murder
Accusation update at end of blog below—
Well the doctors appointment didn’t go as well as I hoped, the
breast lump IS suspicious and I have to back home next week for a
biopsy, the good news is- I have no history of breast cancer in my
family, so I am unlikely to have the BIG C…
The show is going great guns now, I had a lovely audience in last
night and the reviews have been good (so far), got some good news
from my publisher today telling me that the book is selling ever so
well…HURRAH! That is good news as my daughter goes to Uni in
September and I need the cash.
No more dead pigeons outside the flat, I am so fucking happy about
that as it was scary indeed. The bad news is, we took our rubbish/garbage
bins down to what we thought was the place to put them only to be
sternly told off by a council man that came to our door two days later
and who told us that we had dumped it in the wrong place! How did
he know it was US?
Well it seems the black bin liners have CODES on them and they can
tell from which house the rubbish bin came from! Fucking hell, that
really is scary, bin bags with special codes?
They can’t catch terrorists but BIN CHEATERS! YES!
Hope
they don’t find a dead body when we leave here! I will make sure
there are no codes on it if I do decide to leave a cadaver in Edinburgh.
Got mistaken yesterday by a woman who thought my name was Eileen McDougal,
she was convinced I was this ‘Eileen’ and conversed with
me for a few minutes about our past, when we shared a house in Oxford,
when we were both reading English at Uni. Apparently I married a guy
called Simon and she was still married to Roger from Devon. “How
were my two children doing?” She asked me. I stood and stared
at her as she recalled the times we had travelling in Peru in 1983.
I decided that I liked being ‘Eileen’ and not Janey Godley,
I waited until she finished telling me how both her parents still
have a picture of her and I together at Sandringham with the Duke
and then Duchess of York…!
It was then I told her my name is NOT Eileen and I am Janey Godley,
a Scottish stand up comic and writer… the poor woman looked crestfallen
and very embarrassed.
It got me thinking though, maybe if I had lived ‘Eileen’s’
life, I may have been happier…no breast lumps…no murder
stories… no past that left me with nightmares…but then I
would not have had MY daughter and MY husband (odd as he may be)…so
today I am glad I am ME! Lumps, murder and all!
MURDER ACCUSATION UPDATE…
ME-“Did you kill that man who murdered my mammy?”
HIM-“People are looking at me oddly, are you telling people this?”
ME-“Kinda…"
Thursday
the 11th of August 2005
01:21:02 PM
Spiders
and sexy pants
Murder
Accusation Update at the End of Blog-
Well it’s Thursday already and I can’t believe I have been
here a WEEK! Ashley is over tired and may collapse before Saturday,
husband has been over wrought with me asking murder questions and
I am coping well with doing what I love on stage every night.
I have been to see some great shows and am totally enjoying the Fringe.
The flat we have has a small invasion of big legged spiders, which
I actually like, they scuttle in a wee dance like fashion across the
hall carpet every morning as I do my toilet run in my baggy knickers
and crumpled tee shirt, I think I may have scarred their wee souls
for life with that sight. I worry about the spiders.
I have some lovely quotes for my posters from my reviews and am setting
about doing that today, the audiences have been good so far and I
still have not papered a room yet. I am chalking the city with slogan
“Janey Godley Is Innocent”, it does get good attention and
people mention it when they see me-so IT WORKS!
I fully intend to go to the Critics versus Comics footie match on
Saturday and play for my team…I love football but am not as fit
as I was and need to STOP eating cake! But Victoria Beckham stopped
eating cake and her husband just went off and shagged a woman who
does eat cake????? What does that mean???
Murder accusation update…
Me-“Did
you kill that man who killed my mum?”
Him-“Do
you want cake?”
Me-“Answer
my question first”
Him
(ignoring me and holding up a cake)-“Do you want cake?”
Me-“Yes”
Friday
the 12th of August 2005
04:55:23 PM
Too
Much
Murder
Accusation Update at end of blog!
Two heel blisters, one breast lump, five mozzie bites, period pains,
slight attack of heartburn, three family arguments (which I won),
eight reviewers, some Perrier judges and one threatening phone call
from an Old Gangster! Welcome to my world!
Last night I sat in the Underbelly Bar and watched a drunken man steal
a bottle of booze and sit there, shouting at people. Managed to get
the attention of the lovely Mick the Security man, he got the boozeball
out of the venue, just in time for a photographer to collide with
him. This was the photographer who was coming to ‘shoot me’
for the Sunday review they have of me in the Observer review section.
Hope
I look ok and hope the review reads fine.
Slept like a happy baby last night, then this morning the dreams collided
into one another and became evil nightmares. I woke up drenched in
a fearful sweat and checked I had both breasts as my dream included
them being bitten off by small angry kangaroo’s! (What the fuck
goes on in my head?).
Watched my daughter work behind the Underbelly bar last night and
that scared me a little, I recall being a barmaid for 15 years and
the last thing I want for her is to be the purveyor of ‘Good
Guinness’! I know she is only there temporarily but a part of
my soul died as I watched her pour pints…surely the Godley bar
trade has been left behind me?
I got in Five BLOG FANS in my crowd last night! How awesome, these
guys have been reading my blog since last year, and whilst I am on
this subject HELLO to all my BLOG Watchers in Johannesburg! I love
the comments and you spur me on to continue!
I am having a great time at this Fringe, I love the atmosphere. Ticket
sales are well up on last year and I am having fun. Have finally gave
up the hair fight and have decided fully to go ‘native’
with my curls, fuck straight hair, it’s too much bother and it’s
NOT ME… I am embracing the badger trap that has become my head.
Murder accusation update-
Me-“Did you really kill that man who murdered my mother?”
Him-“Why do you keep asking that stupid question everyday?”
Me-“I like it”
Him “I don’t and it doesn’t make sense”
Saturday
the 13th of August 2005
03:29:20 PM
Spank
is Great!
Murder
Accusation at end of this BLOG…
Three spots, two more reviewers, one impending eye infection, one
annoying static breast lump, three more dead pigeons on our doorway,
ten more books sold and a frightening insect bite on my arse…
The show sold well last night and I am having great fun,
can’t say any more than that! Must admit that I loved the Spank!
Show last night, it is just such fucking fun, all those people crammed
in and having great fun getting to see a variety of acts. My daughter
and I are going to do a double act for one night only at SPANK!, and
it should be fun, she promises to get me back for EVERYTHING I have
ever said about her on stage all her life…well if there is ONE
woman who can beat me by mouth IT’S HER!
Ashley (my daughter) is still working hard and I hardly get to see
her, last night at 3am we got together for a good chat and she made
me laugh so loudly at her VERY POLITICALLY INNCORRECT pastiche of
the video of Lionel Ritchie’s pop song “Hello”…you
had to be there. We were watching old 80’s songs on satellite
TV.
Murder accusation update—
Him-“Don’t
ask me that question, people are looking at me strangely, are you
telling everyone I am a killer?”
Me-“Well… yes actually!”
Him-“Thanks for that!”
Me-“Well did you do it?”
Him-“I will hold a press conference with me addressing the allegations,
and expose you as the killer…where were you on April 1st 1996?”
Me-“I am innocent!”
Him-“Yes that’s what it says all over the walls in chalk
but that doesn’t mean you are!”
Me-“Shut up, did you do it?”
Him-“I am not talking anymore, do you prefer fruit scones or
plain?”
Me-“Fruit”
Sunday
the 14th of August 2005
02:22:16 PM
Car
Crash and night time fun
Murder
Accusation Update at end of this Blog-----
Two spots on my chin, one insistent breast lump, one more reviewer
and a near fatal car crash!
Last
night was great! I had a sold well, the show went well and I decided
to walk home and eat cake when I got there. I walked happily down
the road that leads to the Scotsman building near where I live, and
just as I reached the Dumbiedykes Estate (A sprawling housing estate
where a new born baby was found abandoned 2 nights ago next to the
Parliament -who called it that name?) a red car came screeching out
of the main gates.
The screaming of the tyres made me stop and stare, the red car careered
out of control and took the arse of a taxi that was going IN to the
housing complex, the red car then lost control further and swerved
dangerously towards ME standing on the ‘normally quiet’
pavement. I was rooted with fear as I saw the faces on the guys driving
it right towards me, it’s arse arched dangerously in my direction
with sparks flashing off the road and covering me, I threw myself
to the left and watched as the car tried to gain control, but then
sped off down the road of the WRONG side and almost smashed into an
on coming car!
I managed to get the number plate and then vomited all over the ground,
I was so fucking scared! I was nearly hit by that mental car; I am
convinced that I AM REALLY the EPI-CENTRE of disaster! Why me?
The police were called and they took all the details, I called home
and my husband came to meet me, I was really frightened, I am not
joking… I thought I was going to die on that street!
Woke
up this morning to a great review in the Observer, it is fantastic!
Also it is NATIONAL and that can only be a good thing for me! Hurrah!
Murder Accusation Update-----
Him-“Don’t
even bother to ask me, next you will be saying I ‘arranged’
that car to come and get you”
Me-“No I would not say that as you would not want me dead would
you?”
Him-“Really?”
Me-“I love you…lets go home and have great sex then I will
cook”
Him-“No your cooking is murder”
Monday
the 15th of August 2005
07:08:17 PM
Tiredness
Can Kill
Murder
Accusation at the End of This Blog--------------
Three hours sleep with screaming Gulls in the back ground and nightmares,
one spot on my chin, one annoying breast lump, one five star review
and a toe blister.
God
I am so tired… and the nightmares are worse if anything. Though
I am having a great time on stage and still trying to work out a way
to KILL the Seagulls that scream at my window. Honestly it would be
easier to kill a president than those noisy fuckers! I swear to God
that if that were kids making that noise they would be served an ASBO
on them, why do they big fat white pigeon killing noisy screamers
make that noise and why cant the go live near the SEA? It’s in
their name for fucksake!
Can you tell they are getting to me? YES!
I am thinking of buying a crossbow and sitting at my window and shooting
them en masse. A Gull Cull is what we need!
Life goes on and the show is doing fine, I love being up there and
yet I am worried more and more about this fucking lump, I know I shouldn’t
but its hard not to.
Murder Update……..
Him-“Don’t even ask me today, I know what you want to know
and I am not even going to grant that question with an answer, do
you really believe I am capable of murder?”
Me-“Not sure… did you kill that man who murdered my mum?”
Him-“Do you want me to kill the Seagulls?”
Me-“So you can murder birds?”
Him-“If you really think they deserve to die”
Me-“Yes”
Him-“No… I don’t kill birds, remember that man who
killed your mum killed a Swan, I don’t kill defenceless birds”
Me-“Only people then?”
Him-“Shut up and go hug a gull ya moany bitch”
Tuesday
the 16th of August 2005
03:16:23 PM
Tuesday
is a dull day
Murder
Accusation at End of Blog
One sore knee, two sore tonsils, one slight hangover, one persistent
breast lump and two dead pigeons in backyard.
Can’t believe that there are more dead birds on my door step??
What is that about? Is there a MAFIA BIRD ORGANISATION working in
Edinburgh and if so why cant they put a contract out on the fucking
Gulls?
More books sold last night at the venue and that is good news for
my daughter who is going to Uni in September as she needs the cash!
I get my news for my biopsy this week and am hoping its good news…never
the less I will cope if otherwise as I am STRONG JANEY and can take
any hand I am dealt with! (I convince myself).
Had a great audience in last night and despite the lack of reviews
being printed (I have had so many in but not in print yet) I am keeping
up good numbers.
Was so pleased to see Noel Faulkner’s show ‘Shake Rattle
and Noel’ get a good 4 star review as that show is awesome. I
loved it and anyone reading this who is looking for a good show to
go see, should check it out.
MURDER ACCUSATION UPDATE
Him-“I
didn’t do it; you will get me put in prison at this rate”
Me-“No I wont, it is ART”
Him-“People are asking me in the street”
Me-“See I have widened your social circle”
Him-“Shut up”
Wednesday
the 17th of August 2005
07:29:52 PM
Radio
Ga Ga…
Murder
Accusation Update at End of Blog…
I had to go back to Glasgow today to do the Book Show on Radio Clyde.
It’s a radio book review show and the guy loved my book so I
am very happy about that.
Show last night sold well and am very happy that I have a good five
star review on my posters, I also did a stint on Mark Watson 36 hour
show, I went on and got a couple of people to feel my breast lump
and we discussed cancer, which was fun! Well it is alternative comedy!
No dead birds outside my door today and that can only be a good omen,
though I have decided to buy a crossbow and shoot the Gulls for a
Fringe past time.
Had a good few comics come see the show last night and that always
makes me feel good, no big celebs, just hard working comics who like
something different!
Murder accusation Update…
Him-“I am not going to answer any questions today, but you can
write then down if you want but it must be in a black pen”
Me-“Did you kill him?”
Him-“Is is written in black pen?”
Me-“No, but can you answer me?”
Him-“No”.
Thursday
the 18th of August 2005
01:25:57 PM
Thursday
is Weird!
Murder Accusation at end of blog…
Had fun last night and am really loving this Fringe…I am feeling
less tired and had the best time at Mark Watson’s 36 hour extravaganza,
I got up and let people feel my breast lump. How we laughed! Brendon
Burns decided it was not a lump, just my TIT! (Only Brendon!)
The show is fine and cant wait till I get through the whole thing
every night, it’s a true statement that ‘Only The Stage
Can set Me Free!’. The people who come up afterwards and tell
me they loved it does make it all so worthwhile.
I have had no scary experiences since the near fatal car crash and
the scary breast lump, so I fear today’s blog will be boring!
Ashley and I are doing a double act on SPANK this Saturday and that
should be fun! She really makes me laugh like no one else!
Murder Accusation Update…
Him-“I didn’t do it I tell you”
Me “Really?”
Him-“Why would you think that?”
Me-“Coz you would be capable”
Him-“I am so not capable of murder, mind you he was a right nasty
man”
Me-“So did you?”
Him-“Shoosh, woman go hang up the washing”
Friday
the 19th of August 2005
03:10:22 PM
Friday
is Sunny!
Murder
Accusation Update at End of Blog
I love the sunshine, I slept well with no nightmares and that makes
me HAPPY, though I have now got THREE spots on my face…maybe
I am going back in time?
Ok the year is 1979, I am finally 18 years old and am off to buy vodka
and dance at the local disco. My curly hair is IN thanks to Olivia
Newton John’s appearance in Grease, and yet I can still be post
punk thanks to my inherent state of poverty beautifully handed down
to me by my parents and their forbearers…safety pins are tres
chic!
I am desperately trying to get a job after having lived for nearly
a year in the seaside (shit town, smelly beach) of Redcar and I am
dreaming of being a disc jockey, yet there seems to be a distinct
lack of enthusiasm from my local Glasgow JobCentre…”Did
I want to be a secretary?” No I fucking did not and my constant
sweary-ness would hamper any chance of that! I have a great collection
of music, which is my immense passion in life…can women be DJ’s?
No apparently!
So at the age of eighteen, I decide I am going to travel…this
time outside UK and hope that my poverty and Glasgow smell does not
follow me.
Problem
is I need money, so I take a job waitressing in said LOCAL DISCO and
love meeting people and making enough cash to buy a new dress and
my first real haircut in a salon, not my crazy drunk mother attacking
my curls with defiant Protestantism and blunt scissors, it resembled
my hair being cut with wooden spoons!
Surely things can only get better? Well they did, I met the local
disco’s owners son and start my first big love affair (sex and
everything, he doesn’t even get tangled in my hair!) and well…
the rest is history. We married the next year and next month we will
celebrate our Silver wedding anniversary.
I did eventually get to travel the world, but not as a DJ but as a
comic and I don’t regret much (some stuff I do, but I can’t
tell you all that)
Murder Accusation Update…
Him-“Do you want to go on holiday to celebrate our anniversary?”
Me-“Did you kill that man?”
Him-“I am trying to be romantic, why do you bring murder into
that?”
Me-“Come on tell me”
Him-“Your hair and tongue needs cut”
Saturday
the 20th of August 2005
02:08:10 PM
Saturday In Edinburgh
Murder
Accusation at End of Blog
Met the lovely Jamie Theakston yesterday and gave him a flyer, he
was very tall. After chatting I headed home as I was supposed to be
the walk on for Howard Reid’s Show but he forgot and had Demitri
Martin there instead, so I headed for home.
Spent the whole day reading a good book and then headed off for my
show at 9pm. It went good, am happy with that.
Walked up to the GB library bar for late night chit chat and who did
I see but the tall Mr Theakston yet again…this time I shuffled
past in case he thought I was stalking him.
“Janey” he shouted and waved my flyer at me. I was worried
as Karen Koren was in ear shot and would have thought I had just flyered
him ( that’s so bad as my venue is the Underbelly and NOT GB)
and I hadn’t, he still had the same flyer from day time.
“Tell
me what crime it says you committed on this flyer” he demanded
as I walked over to him. So I did, I explained that last year I forged
a will to get free from police after being caught with serious amount
of weapons and explosives in our old house.
He laughed and we chatted about comedy and stuff, then Simon Fanshawe
came and shook my hand and explained he LOVED my show and had brought
along the widow of John Smith MP and she too had a fab time!
I don’t drink and decided time to go home and finish that book
(how rock and roll am I?).
Murder Accusation Update…
Him-“Yes
I did it…go tell the police and have me arrested”
Me-“Did
you?”
Him-“No, but I am bored with your questions!”
Sunday
the 21st of August 2005
02:37:20 PM
Lazy
Sunday
Murder
Accusation Update at End of Blog…
Last night was so busy; the gig was rammed and hot but great fun.
Later on Ashley and I then did a ‘double act fight club’
at SPANK! She got to shout back at me after me slagging her off on
my act for years…it was fun! She swore really loudly and that
disturbed me no end, as despite me having a nasty tongue, I have never
wanted to hear her swear at me.
Was having a lovely long lie this morning when fifteen resplendent
Bagpipers stood outside my window on our flat on the Royal Mile and
fucking bagpiped really loudly, that shit is only good when it’s
on another hill in the distance. Ashley sat up with black panda eyes
and pushed up her window and SCREAMED at them to FUCK OFF! That’s
my girl, sometimes I like her swearing!
Got a lovely review in The Mail on Sunday and am critics choice in
The Sunday Herald!
Breast lump hurts but I suppose that’s ok and is getting it checked
again this week.
Every poster I have up on the streets have been covered over constantly
by the biggest names on the Fringe who are reportedly ‘selling
out more than ever’ so why do they need that many posters up
and taxi’s covered in their image? Is that not a waste of time/paper
and money? I can understand at the start of the fringe when their
GIGANTIC posters go up, but to keep up the campaign despite ‘selling
out’ do they need to keep pasting over all the other sites? This
is NOT a rant at said acts as I know they have no fucking idea of
where or who puts them up, but just a general gripe! Grrrrrr….
Murder Accusation Update…
Him-“Can
you please not ask me today as now 35 people have stopped me and asked
me if I killed that man!”
Me-“Ok seeing as its Sunday I will let you off with murder”
Monday
the 22nd of August 2005
05:23:06 PM
Monday…Monday…
Murder
Accusation Update at end of Blog
Show went great last night despite being an odd Sunday rainy night
and it was really good fun, my kind of audience, all nutty and up
for anything!
Then I went onto to MC the Funny Woman show at the late night slot,
it was fucking great … trust me! I was amazed to be on the same
bill as other females, as we normally are well spread out over the
entire country! The women were all well funny and it’s a great
value show.
Was woke up this morning by BBC Radio 5Live who called me at 9am to
ask me if I wanted to be a guest on their Live show at 11am, I said
YES and promptly fell back asleep, then at 11am my mobile rang loudly
and I simply leaned over, picked up the phone FARTED and coughed then
realised I was LIVE ON AIR! I was so tired and in my dreamy head four
wee happy bushy squirrels were dancing to “I Love to love”
by the 70’s disco star Tina Charles! Go happy dancing squirrel
GO! Then I realised I was being asked a question by the interviewer
about language and dialect and my brain was DEAD. But I managed to
point out that yes…Tony Blair does have a generic English accent
for someone who was born in SCOTLAND! How I laughed, how the squirrels
danced and then I chatted more about Glasgow words, the show ended
and I fell back to sleep.
I woke up at 12 midday and laughed as I dreamt I had been live on
air talking mad shite, then realised IT WAS TRUE! I need to get more
sleep and stop doing too many late night shows!
Got
a lovely write up in the Scotsman today about Ashley and I on stage
at SPANK!
Murder Accusation Update…
Him-“I hate it when you keep asking me mental questions”
Me-“Did
you do it?”
Him-“No a squirrel did it”
Tuesday
the 23rd of August 2005
04:06:47 PM
Tuesday
and Rain
Murder
Accusation at End of Blog
I was awoken by the Swedish TV People who called to see when is best
to come interview me… I was asleep and can’t recall anything
they said!
I have spent this fringe asleep most of the time! Did the 60 acts
in 60 minutes for BBC show last night and it was wicked!
Ashley asked me to cut her fringe this morning and to be honest I
think I am not really a hairdresser but got out the big kitchen scissors
and made a not to bad job of it all, may give up comedy to start my
own fringe cutting service.
I am counting the days till I go home, not because I hate this fringe
because I do feel genuinely tired a lot and that’s worrying me
a bit. Got a nice write up in the Independent today and that’s
lovely.
Apparently my performance on BBC Scotland show ‘Scunnered’
last night went down well, I never saw it as I was on stage but Ashley
watched and is very proud of me. She is also reading my book ‘Handstands
in The Dark’ and it is unsettling me as I don’t want her
to read my autobiography as I am worried how she will feel about it,
but she is insistent. Hope she feels ok about it all.
Murder Accusation Update…
Him-“I
am off home”
Me-“Are
you off to kill anyone?”
Him-“No…you nutcase. I need to collect mail, stop fantasising me as some Leon type of hit man, I am not French”
Wednesday
the 24th of August 2005
01:22:01 PM
Windy
Wednesday…
Murder
Accusation at End of Blog…
Edinburgh was rocked by the windiest night last night, at 2am the
windows and doors in our flat shook and trembled and the trees outside
looked like they were having a come down from crack when I looked
out of the window. No doubt the fucking seagulls survived that! Bastards!
Had a good night despite the crew from Swedish TV Arts programme following
me about! I am part of their main arts show as they loved my book
and comedy! How odd…Sweden? But I love that people who live in
a totally different culture get my humour.
Had a wonderful night at the gig and the ‘Funny Women’ show
was very interesting… you had to be there!
Murder Accusation Update…
Him-“Leave
me alone scary fat woman”
Me-“Tell
me you did it?”
Him-“No”
Me-“Are
you innocent?”
Him-“Yes…now go learn to bake!”
Friday
the 26th of August 2005
03:35:29 PM
Sorry
I am late but I nearly died…
Murder
Accusation Update at End of Blog…
So Wednesday night I ate some sushi at 7pm, then about half an hour
later my body started to swell and I went into mild anaphylactic shock!
I ended up in hospital wired to machines as my body started to kill
me… and they injected me with various adrenaline and steroid
drugs to keep me alive.
So I then made it out of the hospital and got on stage...Huraah! Life
at the Fringe…I love it!!
I was so wired with adrenaline and fear that I almost climbed up onto
the rig and screamed from the rafters, there was two reviewers in
and I cannot even begin to imagine what they will write about that
drug fuelled show… but fuck em’ I am still alive.
So I was woken up early on Thursday morning by Brendon Burns standing
at my door holding a nuns outfit and told me to get into it as we
were going to meet Paul Provenza flying into Edinburgh. I know what
your thinking, NUNS OUTFIT? Yes… that’s what you always
wear when meeting American Film Producers at an airport…what’s
up with you guys?
Paul is in town for his premier of the film Aristocrats that he produced/directed.
He is also a good mate and great US comic. So there we were standing
at Edinburgh airport holding big cardboard signs saying GOD waiting
at the arrival gate, we waited and waited…no Paul. We start to
get worried he is not on the plane. Ricky Gervais came out and gave
us a smile…still no Provenza, by this time we are all comedy-ed
out and getting impatient. Just as we were about to disband our nun
convention, Provenza sauntered out and COMPLETELY IGNORED US ALL and
then turned round and laughed. It was slightly anti-climatic but fun
none the less.
I then performed my own show and went onto host Funny Women, then
went over to the So You think Your Funny party, I got drunk. I don’t
get drunk often and for the first time in years I am on medication
(steroids for the allergy) that states you cannot drink alcohol and
that’s fine COZ I hardly drink…I fucking got well pissed
and did not make the film premier this morning. Ashley went to the
Aristocrats Movie, she loved it. Whilst she was there she met everyone
who was at last nights party and was told that her mother was staggering
around the party last night with two young boys dancing sexily, wrapped
around a pole with a vodka bottle wedged firmly between her tits.
NICE!
She has just chastised me for my debauched behaviour, I cannot wait
till she goes to Uni and I can have fun, I like the dancing/sexy boys/vodka
tit thing.
Murder Accusation Update…
Him-“My
head hurts don’t accuse me of murder today”
Me-“Ok my head hurts as well, lets hug”
Tuesday
the 30th of August 2005
06:24:03 PM
End
of the Fringe!
Sorry
I was gone so long, my pc was screwed and I was ill. The last nights
of the festival were awesome, not only did a woman win the Perrier,
but she was completely unknown and did great character sketch stuff,
pissing everyone else off because she does not do ‘stand up’.
Good on her I say! It was funny to listen to all the ‘BOYS’
who thought they had been robbed. At the Perrier party I met Nica
who runs the awards and she commiserated that I never got a nomination
but told me I was in the final 10… (They have been saying that
for the past three years to me! I don’t know if that makes me
happy or sad yet!).
I also have a nasty cough and chest infection, Ashley is ill and we
are so glad to be home. I have filmed my gig and have it on mini disc
also so it should be going on my website soon, I hope!
I had great fun and I still don’t know if ‘you know who’
killed the man who killed my mother…so that maybe an ongoing
saga by all accounts.
I
am currently writing a new play and it’s got me all excited,
it’s a serious play and it should be going into rehearsal soon
as I wrote it last night and have booked the space to try it out.
No doubt it will need lots of reshaping but that’s the good part
about the whole writing process. I am so happy to be doing something
different from comedy for a wee change.
Talk soon…Janey.
Wednesday
the 31st of August 2005
10:36:57 PM
Back
to Life…
So
there we have it, the Fringe is over and I need to be normal mother
again. What an odd feeling, I don’t have to get ready for the
same gig night after night. I loved it but it is weird. I emailed
all the contacts from Australia to Montreal that gave me business
cards and thanked them for coming to see my show etc etc…
I am still a bit upside down and slightly annoyed that husband had
taken over housekeeping duties before we left and had OVER washed
our old duck down duvet THREE times in a boil wash as he was amazed
at how much brown stuff kept coming out in the wash. That was of course
the feather colours being heinously par-boiled that he mistook for
dirt, so he kept boiling it in the machine till after 3 washes it
ran clear. The feathers are now ‘putty’ and incapable of
fluffiness and we need a new duvet!
I loved that old duvet, it had seen me through pregnancy, when it
wrapped around me deliciously as I vomited up bile into a plastic
bucket beside my bed for nine months, and it saw me through early
baby stages when it cocooned Ashley’s wee chubby wriggling toddler
body. I could wrap her up in it and leave her on the bed as I ran
to have a much needed pee, it took her ages to get free from the big
overwhelming duck cloud that it formed around her. She was a mini
Houdini at two and that duvet worked wonders in stalling her when
I needed it most. Other would call that child abuse, I called it ingenious!
It even moved home to my father in laws house where we stayed for
a few months back in 1994 and that fateful day when the police arrived
at that house to look for arms and weaponry, my faithful duvet covered
my modesty when the police allowed me to finally cover my nakedness
after they ordered me out of bed at 7am.
It became my security blanket when we quickly left that ‘gun
house’ in late 1994 and at night in the new house I would lie
snuggled up feeling safe in the familiar smell of my old duck down
heaven.
Its now all crumpled and saggy, a bit like me really, its fresh plump
appearance has given way to a flattened husk that serves no comfort
and resembles something that promises nothing but barrenness. Like
me.
So as my husband fingers his way through the plump lush fresh springy
duvets in the shop tomorrow, it will only serve to remind me that
this is what may happen in our relationship. He is searching for something
that springs back at the touch, it will keep him cool in the summer
and warm his flesh in the winter, it will be self cleaning and easy
maintenance and will not wrap around his flesh when he least wants
it, but will be sorted out by a mere flick over the bed.
That’s NOT me.
I am complicated, needy, offensive, argumentative, pleasing, passive,
aggressive and need only to be told I am loved to make me smile.
Who knows maybe he will boil me to see what colour the water goes?