Janey's Blogs - March 2006
Thursday the 2nd of March 2006
07:39:47 PM
My Daughter today is mental…
My daughter is bored and therefore funny. She is
working hard at Uni studying Film studies and screenplay writing,
in her part time she works as a DJ and karaoke presenter and she
is part of a comedy/improv troupe.
She will NEVER clean her room that now looks like
some tiny wee island after its been invaded and pillaged by angry
pirates…which brings me to my next subject.
She constantly plays Puzzle Pirates (whatever the
fuck that is) and she just told me she needs my credit card to build
her own ‘rig’ and that she is now the proud owner of 1000
doubloons. Frankly I am scared.
I know most mothers of nineteen year old girls have
their concerns but surely one issue I was not prepared for was that
my child is secretly a pirate!
She made me laugh so much telling me if she can
have a credit card she can buy her own ship and kill more people…not
a conversation I as prepared for!
Ok I know she is joking and she is so fucking hilarious,
we are both writing a sketch show together and she never fails to
make me laugh.
She told me she is going to Christian Speed Dating
at Uni to sit there and say
“Hello I love God, Jesus and Holy things, do
you want sex?” to every boy in fifteen minutes…just to
see the look on their faces. That makes me smile…she really
is mine and if they really are Christians then they will forgive
her.
I asked her if there was any emails in for me and
she said “Yes, but because I am bored I will explain your mail
in the medium of physical theatre and dance” So I had to watch
her prance all over the room pretending to be a crocodile having
heart surgery whilst explaining to me that a journalist wanted to
speak to me. I laughed my head off.
I am glad she does that, am so glad she is crazy,
yet intelligent and funny.
She could have been boring and studious, which I am sure is good but an untidy wannabe pirate is even better.
Saturday the 4th of March 2006
05:34:25 PM
Journey to Manchester…
I got up early to catch a train, as the replacement car Esure finally
got for me (eight days late! Never get Esure insurance) is way too
small and poky- so I opted for the train.
I hate sitting beside anyone so I spread my worldly
goods all over four seats in the hope it would put people off joining
me, but Lo and Behold…a young guy who stank of garlic breath,
sat opposite me and breathed that stench constantly into my face
for the majority of the journey.
I know that Britain is now anti-smoking due to the
health issues but for fucksake garlic should be banned due to the
honk it makes and how uncomfortable it becomes breathing it in for
hours…it too should be only consumed at home and you should
not be allowed out till the smell goes!
I know that’s a bit extreme but you didn’t
have to sit beside someone for four hours smelling it in your nostrils.
The snow is lashing outside; big fluffy drifts of
it are beating against the train windows as it speeds towards Manchester.
Wee sheep in the fields that flash by my view are cowering as everything
becomes white. Soon the sheep will be completely camouflaged and
can move against the snow fields only being recognised by their
black noses.
I watched big fat cows stumble about in a field where we stopped for a few minutes, they remind me of old portly women gathering in a huddle planning stuff, I think cows get together and plan to take over the world, I am sure they talk in perfect English and when we get near by the head Bull shouts-
“Quick! Humans are here…look daft and
chew grass; pretend you are stupid and stare at the sky!”
The minute our cars or trains pass, they whip out
a big game plan on a pull down flip chart that hangs from a tree
and continue their evil plans to take over the human race and get
us all back for that huge genocide we inflicted on them during the
foot and mouth crisis.
Maybe my imagination works over time when inhaling
garlic over a period of time, maybe garlic fumes are hallucagenic?
Who knows?
My last night at the ‘Confidence for Kids Comedy
Workshops’ finished on Wednesday and the great wee kids/teenagers
had their big performance last night. I could not be there as I
was in Manchester. On the last day the kids brought in their one
joke to tell at the performance night, the people (social workers)
who organised the workshops came in to supervise the ‘joke
content’ and that drove me mad.
Get this- one girl had a typical joke about the
run down area she comes from like- a guy puts his hand out of the
window of an aeroplane, he felt the heat and said’ I must be
in the Sahara, then he felt the cold and said I must be in the Artic-
then his watch was ripped off his wrist and he said I must be in
Drumchapel’ Now Drumchapel is the area the workshops are in
and it really does have major social problems (hence the workshops!)
I thought it was a great joke but that was vetoed!
Another girl did the typical ‘ An Irish- a
Scottish and an Englishman Joke which was banned as it took the
piss out of the Irish-now I can see how that stereotypes people
BUT they allowed one girl to tell a joke about ‘Blonde Women
being dumb’.
So I turned to the girls in the group and said ‘That’s
a lesson for life, every other subject is politically cleansed but
being blonde does still make you stupid, what does that tell us
from authority?
One wee guy smiled put up his hand and said “The
social worker who banned it is actually blonde?”
“Yes!” I said smiling as the poor woman
stood there blushing, with her hand over her dyed blonde hair!
The kids did well at the show I heard and I am very
very proud of them, they are great wee kids and deserve to take
the piss out of whatever gets them through the situations they are
all in.
I will miss them as the workshops are done but we will meet again and I am sure they will tell filthy politically incorrect jokes till they die….and that’s good!
Monday the 6th of March 2006
08:45:50 PM
Sex and Lies…
Husband knew I was stressed, just off a train from
Manchester last night, where some fucked up Glaswegian drunk vomited
in every toilet the length of the train, where smelly men pissed
on their seats and despite being in first class, I still could smell
all of that stuff combined. Husband decides to tell me all the emails
I forgot to do concerning receipts and boring stuff, he makes lists
of what I have forgot when in actual fact he could just do those
tasks himself….
Anyway I woke up angry this morning as I was going
back to my old pub that I used to own 12 years ago, the pub that
my autobiography speaks about, the place where my life was formed
and sometimes ruined, the place of my nightmares, I was going back
to chat to a journalist from News of The World.
I suggested the place to be honest as I felt it
would give the piece an in depth flavour. But I was stressed about
it for some strange reason; I very rarely go back there, to the
East End of Glasgow, except in my ever recurring nightmares, so
I was slightly jagged this morning.
I washed the mad bushwhack of a head and tried to
fix it looking nice as I knew there were photo’s to be done.
I went into the bedroom and asked husband what he thought of my
hair, he NEVER even looked and in my fragile state I shouted at
him for not caring, not being there for me, not supporting me, not
loving me enough, not taking on board how hard my life can get and
by 11am I had decided on divorce.
By this time he was sitting up in bed startled,
his hair was sticking up, his eyes were bleary and suddenly somewhere
between BBC Radio 4’s ‘Woman’s Hour’ and the
11 o’clock news- his life was being dragged along a new path
and before lunch time he was staring a life that would involve him
being invariably single.
“Was it about the hair?” he mumbled trying
to come to terms with a divorce as he struggled into his pants.
I watched his half sleepy but terrified face trying to shake off
the sleep mask and form some kind of semblance of conversation that
would convince me he loved me and my hair was nice.
By this time, my hair looked ok and I had calmed
down somewhat and started to get annoyed as he tried to hug me as
I put on my lipstick “Was it about your hair? Is that why you
want a divorce?” he continued.
“No? Are you now saying my hair is bad?”
I barked.
His face quickly displayed three hundred mixed frightened
emotions, it was like watching a scary movie slowly download on
a crap computer, as his brain tried to work out his next move in
this deathly mine field that is my psyche.
I knew I was committing emotional warfare on a badly
prepared man, but fuck it; he ignored me in my hour of need so I
had turned into the woman that even Koffi Anan would find it hard
to negotiate with.
I left the house and did the interview, Anver was
great, and she is interesting and sparky! Just my kind of woman!
So I am now home and husband is in the bedroom possibly
sitting in a corner chewing his own hair, I may have to go and apologise….
Ok there was no sex in this blog that was the lie in the title.
Tuesday the 7th of March 2006
10:45:53 PM
My Book has been re-printed again...
I am off to London tomorrow to take part in ‘Funny
Women’ show at Café Royal in London’s city centre.
I asked Random House to supply some books to sell at the venue but
I just found out my book ‘Handstands in the Dark’ has
sold out…again!
I am well chuffed.
Today I went into town to take back a bra I bought
yesterday, something strange is happening to my body, I have lost
weight around my ribcage area but my cup size has gone up…like
I need bigger boobs! Please -I am now 36E that is evil…I am
too small to carry those jugs.
I have packed my bag, am off to shave my legs (I
have hairy-ness akin to a Brazilian footballers legs, I swear to
God if I run the hairs trail behind like bicycle streamers).
I am also considering moving to London for three
months in September, nothing really happens here in Scotland and
I do need to stay down there to maximise on my career. This worries
me slightly as I don’t want to uproot my family, my daughter
is at Uni in Scotland and husband will not want to move away from
her for that length of time….so I have a lot to consider.
Meanwhile if anyone reading this has a cheap flat
for a short let, do let me know, though the great people at Crown
Lawn are looking after me and they are the best possible people.
I just feel that I may need something cheaper…
I am hoping this will be my year. If not? Then nothing
ventured nothing gained, I don’t want to die and wish I had
taken some chances.
Friday the 10th of March 2006
11:22:01 AM
Fun in London…
I have never been to the Café Royal in London’s West
End before. I was amazed at how swish and regal it looked, it’s
not the kind of café where you can order egg and chips, that’s
for sure.
When I arrived at the venue to take part in ‘Funny
Women’ I was escorted into the dressing room where young women
were organising hair and make up.
Immediately my hand reached up and my fingers got
trapped in the thick hedge like matted bush that is my hair.
A young blonde with cropped hair and a whippets
body caught my eye “You need your hair done, come sit here
and we can negotiate a way to have it in an up-do”
Within minutes she was pulling extremely hot straighteners
through it and then twists were happening, Kirby grips were being
whipped out of teeth and jabbed into my scalp whilst other women
watched in awe.
The blonde was ‘taking on my hair’ the
way other people took on ‘Kilimanjaro’’ I could not
see what was happening as I never had a mirror in front of me, but
heads were being nodded, smiles and raised eyebrows all around as
yet another section of hair was twisted and piled on top of my hair,
then secured with a sharp pin. I suspect this is as close to S&M
that posh women get.
Then a flourish of hairspray was added, people smiled,
some clapped and I stared into the mirror and saw coils of dark
smooth hair arranged over the crown of my head, it looked interesting
but to touch it was crispy and concrete-like. I think the hairspray
was made of wall paper paste!
So I took my new ‘look’ and let the make
up girl apply her goods.
Everyone did a double take on me “Janey you
look lovely” now the thing is, I do dress up a lot and can
do glam-but not for stand up comedy!
It was weird being on stage dressed up, I felt like
a funny hooker.
The night was great, everyone did very well and
it took ages to get the stuff out of my head,
I think if cracks should appear in your walls, spray them with hairspray, trust me it will hold them in place.
Sunday the 12th of March 2006
08:43:39 PM
Human League is awesome…
I attended a private party on Saturday. A 40th birthday was being
celebrated and 80’s pop giants Human League were the stars
of the show. I got up and did some stand up before they came on,
I could see many confused people looking at the stage saying “The
bloke from Human League has got long hair and looks like a wee fat
woman”
The crowd were really not expecting me on to be
honest and I performed throughout the dessert part of the meal,
but it did go fine and to say I shared a stage with Human League
was awesome.
The party was held in a huge ware house in Darlington;
it was all lit up and made very swish. We had chauffer driven cars
to take the party goers to and from the hotel. It was really nice
and I had a great time. I will load up some pics soon.
The journey by train was tedious getting home; snow
is beating the countryside again.
So here I am home again, waiting for the next train ride/car journey/flight…
Tuesday the 14th of March 2006
10:14:08 PM
The Flu…
Ok I have been writing very little lately as I have
the flu…hoping its not the fucking bird flu to be honest, so
far no feathers have popped outta my ass when I sneeze so that’s
a good sign.
I coughed so much yesterday that I pissed a little
bit in my knickers…that is the fucking end of my life right
there…I am now addicted to those exercises that strengthen
your bladder and vagina, I swear to God my vag will resemble a bulldog
clip by the end of the month, I will be able to pick up petit pois
with my pussy and be the envy of every woman on this block. I never
want to ever cough and piss ever again. It’s not a good thing.
I have also turned into the evil woman from hell,
husband is shit scared of me as I have dragged every single bad
thing he ever did since 1979 and threw it into his face. My sister
called today and I couldn’t talk to her coz I was stuck in
1983 and couldn’t concentrate on her chatter and maintain the
arguement about the day my husband called me a cunt in front of
people whilst Wham! was on the jukebox and Prince Andrew was bragging
about his spell as a fighter pilot in the Falklands.
I need to stop going over the past, husband is considering
separation and I am desperately trying to recall what I was wearing
the day he threw coffee over me when Princess Diana gave birth to
Harry and Frankie goes to Hollywood was number one. Maybe when my
period arrives on Thursday I will be a nicer person or maybe I will
throw hot coffee over him and sing my favourite song?
I am off to be nice, my daughter is buying a straight jacket from Ebay.
Wednesday the 15th of March 2006
10:21:37 PM
I am sneezing snot…
I sneezed and snot flew all over my pc screen. There
were big streaks of it and it looked like the map of Norway. I want
to die…I cannot believe how fucked and miserable this virus
is making me. I was on BBC Radio 7 today, I tried to not cough and
sneeze or pee…it was horrid. I finally managed to get through
the whole show without making a big ass of myself.
I went for a coffee after the show and sat in my
local bar chatting with some of my old mates. My hair looked like
I had been brushed backwards by an angry special needs person and
I have a red nose that makes me look like a special needs person.
Life is getting a bit hectic but I am on top of
most of it, I have almost got the posters organised for NZ and need
to get the ones done for Edinburgh Fringe.
Are there any poster designers out there?
There is so much more to be done and I have just
organised a short run at the prestigious Soho Theatre in London’s
West End. They called me yesterday to offer me the slot and now
I have some of that organised. Thanks to the wonderful John Fleming
( guy who helps me daily with PR and TV ideas and is currently trying
to join a witness protection scheme to get away from me as I slowly
turn into devils spawn!).
I have a temperature and the nasty sticky feeling
down my back is making me heave.
I am getting some rehearsal space organised for
my play and the sketch show that Ashley and I are planning.
I am sorry I am grumpy this past week but when my period arrives and the flu fucks off…I will be as happy as H R Puffinstuff!
Friday the 17th of March 2006
05:24:59 PM
Mini Disc Hell…
I have loads of Sony mini discs with shows I recorded onto them , loads of live shows and I thought this was up to the minute technology, turns out that the mini discs cannot be uploaded onto my pc as they can only be listened to, the Sony Sonic Stage software people called me today after my extensive problems, they told me the news that the mini discs are useless to upload, I even found a big petition on the web to Sony as it is them that will not develop the software to allow us to utilise our recorded data.
So therefore I have full shows on mini discs that
can never be broadcast. I fucking hate Sony, I was going to upload
some of my shows onto LIVEDIGITAL alongside my videos, but no can
do.
So I will have to find a corrupt way of doing it,
for I shall not be beaten!
I am slowly getting over my cold/flu; I did the Glasgow Comedy Festival
Pub Crawl last night. The flu was making me shiver as I dragged
my sorry ass from bar to bar with a cheery and fucking awesome crowd.
I had to do comedy standing on a small table in one bar and in another
bar I decided to pretend I was ‘special needs’. I watched
all these nice people make sympathetic faces as I rambled on, my
pub crawl people knew I was ‘in character’ and we laughed
so much, you have no idea how much shit you can get away with if
you have learning problems. I know this will evoke anger and annoyance
in some people but I play this character in a sketch show, so I
was just taking the character to new areas of comedy.
Today I have stopped coughing and peeing and am
patiently waiting on my period arriving….if that fails to show…I
will throw myself of the highest building in Glasgow.
Pregnancy is neither desired nor fucking convenient
right now; if I cannot download my shows I am not downloading a
baby….that’s official.
My software will not allow it, and I am staying away from hardware in case I have this scary situation again…I am too old and too busy to be dealing with this…where the fuck is the control/alt/delete button on my ovaries?
Saturday the 18th of March 2006
10:40:10 PM
The Owl and the Book…
I went up into Easterhouse (rundown area of Glasgow),
it has a brand new huge shopping park. I was doing a book signing/comedy
gig there at the Borders Book Store. As I approached the store I
saw a small crowd outside, I thought “Maybe people are queuing
up?” But no it was in fact an exhibition of wild owls. Yes
OWLS…you read it correct. I was about to go into to my event
and a big owl flapped at me and almost poked my funny hair. It was
tethered at the leg (in case it decided Easterhouse was shite and
the woods were more interesting, I mean to be honest what would
an owl want with a shopping complex?) There was a man in a green
gillet strapping the bored tired owls onto the wrists of small kids
(one owl was so big I thought it could take off and drag the small
child away as prey) the man then took photographs of the child holding
an owl.
I was mesmerised by this strange display and felt
so sorry for the bored looking exquisitely beautiful birds.
Anyway I went into the venue and took up my place
at the microphone and there in front of me were about thirty people
and 6 small kids…
Great…I got one of the wee boys up and asked
him “who are you here with?”
“My granddad” he answered.
“Did you get to hold an owl?” I asked,
pointing outside the big glass window to the owl man and his tethered
birds.
“No my granddad says they are biting bastards, and if I want
to get close to an owl he will take me up the bluebell woods and
we wont have to pay a fucking weirdo to take photos of me holding
it” the wee innocent boy with big blue eyes clearly spoke.
My audience howled with laughter, the granddad blushed
and I said “You know what? I think you granddad is right”
I got other kids up for a chat and they were so
funny, I joked with the audience and sold some books.
I love kids, especially Glasgow kids!
Sunday the 19th of March 2006
11:08:54 PM
I am not pregnant!....
Ovaries remain unfertilised, womb is as barren as
an empty waste paper basket and I am the happiest woman alive. I
really need to sort out my ‘I think I am pregnant’ situation
as I worry monthly, I will not use any invasive birth control that
involves drugs or surgery, yet I get scared I am fertile and am
carrying evil twins every month.
So it continues.
I did a gig last night for Glasgow Comedy festival
at O’Neills on Sauchiehall Street, the crowd were chatty and
in good numbers, I love live comedy.
I told them all about the ‘Owl man’ I
had met during the day and they all agreed that any man who wears
a green gillet, big glove and has an obsession about owls, is a
man who has never has a blow job in his life. The minute that guy
gets regular sex those wild birds are being thrown into mid air.
I was still laughing at the vision of that wee tiny
child almost being dragged away by a big flapping owl…it must
have looked like a big mouse to the bird, it tried to fly off to
the woods and peck the eyes out of the girl as she stood there waiting
on her photo being taken by the scary owl man. Who on earth wants
a picture of their child with a flapping owl on her wrist? Weird
folk is the answer to that.
“Here is a picture of our Chantalle with an
owl” the deranged mother would brag as she flipped the picture
out of her handbag.
I have slept most of the day being lazy and tired
but was mightily cheered up to discover my website and blog were
featured into the ‘Guardian Guide’ yesterday here in the
UK. My blog is the focus of my new show this year at Soho Theatre
and Edinburgh Fringe Show.
So I am off to enjoy the rest of my Sunday as tomorrow I am off to Edinburgh to be interviewed for a Radio show, I will download it when it has been broadcast and let you hear it if you want.
Monday the 20th of March 2006
09:40:42 PM
BBC Radio Show…
My initial feelings this morning were ‘Don’t
wake up’ but I managed to drag my ass out of bed and onto a
train to Edinburgh to take part in radio café, a BBC Scotland
show. The producer had been along to the Drumchapel workshops and
had previously interviewed the kids I had been working with in the
‘Comedy with Confidence’ course.
My daughter Ashley had also been there that day
and had made a presentation about being a stand up when she was
11 years old, to help encourage the teenagers with their performance.
The show was really well done and to hear my daughter speak well
and informative was heart warming, she never even rehearsed her
speech and it was very well done, I am so proud.
The BBC loved the piece and has asked Ashley and
I to make a recordable blog for broadcast from our trip together
in New Zealand! I am well chuffed. They said we work well together,
well they never saw her at two years old refusing to use a potty
or at three trying to pull out my eyelashes as I slept. We work
well now I suppose.
I am very proud of her and still can’t believe
that funny girl is mine.
The train journey home was cool; I walked to the
train station and took in the absolute beauty that is Edinburgh.
During the Edinburgh Festival, I never really get time to enjoy
the city, am always stressed about audience numbers, reviews and
general performance stress. This time I looked around at the awesome
buildings that dominate the city scape, that huge lumbering castle
that stands high on the rocks above the train station, the Scott
Monument that pokes the skyline with its jagged architecture and
let my eyes take in the green mossy giant that is Arthur’s
seat.
It really is the most beautiful of sights and I
can see why people come from all over the world to visit the city.
We Scots do take it for granted; we have buildings there, and buildings
that I have performed in, in that city that are actually older than
America! Beat that!
I love Edinburgh, I am proud of Scotland, we don’t
all deep fry chocolate bars, we don’t all take heroin and we
are not all alcoholics’.
Just some of us….mostly people I know…but we are not all mad nutters.
Tuesday the 21st of March 2006
11:57:03 PM
My Blog went live today!
You can check my first ever live video blog on http://livedigital.com/AOrOBgDvzQ/content/91388/
Ashley and I sat down and taped it and uploaded it today, she is
a whiz with the laptop and multi media stuff, and meanwhile I am
still getting to grips with working the timer on my oven.
I have been doing nothing but arguing for the past
two days with husband, he is plotting his getaway I am sure. As
soon as Ashley and I go to New Zealand in May, he will pack a bag;
change his identity and slope off to Monaco to marry a sweet woman
who has tidy hair and no temper.
She will be tall, slender and have long glossy smooth
hair that swings as she walks, she will love country music, never
grow a moustache, have no stretch marks and share his aspergic obsession
of binary numbers. She will sit and gaze for hours into his eyes
and be amazed at his knowledge of World War 2 movies and his strange
interest in bull dog clips and barbed wire (trust me he knows lots
about that stuff, coz he is really a borg from planet Zhirro).
She will giggle as he tells her that fucked up boring
story about the tortoise he once saw choke on a peanut in 1982.
She will love the fact he likes sex when you are trying to concentrate
on life changing decisions, and kiss you hard when his bristly beard
leaves a scaly like rash.
I am sure she will squeal with delight when he hugs
her and then manages to try to pinch that bit of fat round her middle,
coz he loves doing that.
She will be lucky and I will be sad he left me.
I may have to find a young blind man to love me.
Maybe I can stop being bitchy, or maybe not.
By the way I got an email from a cool guy in Prague
who sent me his new email address, I replied but the address is
wrong so if mccorrisken is reading this email me again please? Janey@janeygodley.co.uk
Wednesday the 22nd of March 2006
07:19:29 PM
Mother’s day approaches…
As we all know that commercial vehicle ‘Mothers
Day’ arrives in UK 26th March. I have a wonderful step mum
called Mary, she is adorable and I am proud to have her as a mother
and dedicated my autobiography to her (amongst other women in my
family).
My real birth mother was murdered in 1982, so today
I was thinking about her and thought I would tell you some funny
stuff about her, she was called ‘Annie’.
Annie was slim, dark eyed and very funny (wonder
where I got that funny thing from eh?)
She had a hard life, looked after her younger brother
and sister before she got married and promptly had four kids to
my father.
My ‘mammy’ as I call her was a great story
teller and could also dance better than anyone I have ever seen
in real life, this was a woman who could make soup and jive and
manage to boot a snarling Alsatian out of the way as she quick stepped
around a small dirty kitchen in Glasgow’s east End.
My mammy was scared of our dog, in fact she was
scared of all dogs, yet we owned a biting angry dog called Major.
He never bit mammy, and they had a truce between them-she fed him
and he stayed out of her way.
I used to sit and stroke him and would beg my mammy
to give him some affection, but Major eyed her nervously and she
spit angrily that he would never get any comfort from her and this
annoyed me, as Major was my love and my everlasting hero.
I was sexually abused by my mammy’s brother
David and Major would attack him every time the man entered our
home, the dog suffered beatings for his disobedience, yet he never
gave up biting the paedophile…that’s why I loved my dog.
Anyway I recall one night when my mammy was sitting
with her wee pal having a drink and good old Glasgow gossip. I sat
there with them and there was knock at the door, I jumped up, went
down the hallway, shoved the barking dog out of the way and answered
the door.
To my absolute horror it was an Electricity Board
worker carrying a small step ladder, telling me he was there to
cut off our supply for failure of payment. I had made the awful
error of letting him into our hallway.
I heard a commotion in the living room and the man
came through as he followed me in to our dirty house.
What I witnessed will never leave me till this day…in the time it took for me to answer the door-my mammy had pulled down the couch/sofa bed, hopped into it, raised her knees beneath the dirty covers, her mate was rubbing her head and shouting to the young guy
“Quick, she is having a baby, go boil water
and grab her hand”
Then my Mammy, in her best Norma Desmond school
of acting method screamed “Son, if you need to cut off our
electricity, go ahead, I don’t want you in trouble son, you
do what you need top do” And then she screamed “That’s
another contraction Carole AAARRGGGHHH!”
The dog and I just stood there aghast at the whole
debacle, I was only twelve years old, I really thought she was having
a baby! I was unaware this was her ruse to get shot of the electricity
man off the premises without disconnecting our unpaid supply.
Well the young guy ran out of our house in shock,
he never stopped to cut us off and within seconds my mammy and her
mate were back at the wee two bar electric heater smoking fags and
continuing their chat.
That’s what I remember about my mammy, her
sheer steely faced determination and funny improvised ways that
got her in and out of trouble.
I just wish she could have wiggled her way out of
being killed by that bastard boyfriend she trusted all those years
ago.
She ended up drowned in the River Clyde, we found
her days after she disappeared, I still to this day don’t know
the actual day or the real facts behind her death.
Happy Mothers Day Annie.
Friday the 24th of March 2006
10:33:49 PM
Sex, drugs and Dogs…
Everyone believes that working in comedy and entertainment
is full of fun and sexy nights and drug fuelled parties, well its
not.
BUT…last night on the Glasgow Comedy Pub Crawl
we did almost have all three.
Firstly there was THE SEXIEST man alive there; he
was tall, dark, with that square jawed look, that firm toned body
and the most amazing expressive blue eyes I ever saw on any man
ever. To top it all he is actually Swedish and a doctor! I went
over to his table to chat and as I was doing this my daughter Ashley
clocked me and stood behind me, japing me, she was doing a whole
coy act, playing with her hair and being all girly. I thought the
guy was smiling at me but he was actually laughing at my daughter
behind me all the while. Ashley was there to film me on her brand
new camera and tripod.
I can’t believe she took the piss out of me
and really made me look a fucking stalky old nutter drooling over
the cutest man in Glasgow…but she did.
Then I had to go on stage and do a set that entails
me not swearing to camera. It felt so odd, it was like wearing the
wrong shoes, the wrong teeth and struggling to speak in Dutch….all
the while looking at the sexiest man staring at me whilst my daughter
was giggling at me behind a camera.
After we left the first bar, we made it along the
road to following pub to set up the pub crawl comedy night.
I was walking slowly behind, lost in my own thoughts
and was approached by the strange looking, scruffily dressed woman.
She had a big gangly, shaggy black dog on an orange rope with her.
The dog looked as if it wanted to go North as she was heading South,
it actually looked embarrassed to be with her, if that dog could
talk it would have said “Fuck off scary old woman and let me
go stay with people who don’t eat their own snot”
The woman came over to me, her dog looked away averting
my eyes and she grabbed my sleeve shouting “Missus, can you
give me five pounds and I will give you a wee bit of hash?”
I looked into her grubby hand and she was holding
a small lump of cannabis.
“No thanks, I don’t want any drugs”
I looked down and patted her dogs head; it wagged its tail very
slowly and raised its head and sheepishly looked at me with big
brown soft eyes.
“He is called Mesopotamia” she slurred. That surprised me, she knew a big fucking word!
I really wanted the dog, I would have given her
a fiver for that big woolly dog, but the thought of dragging a big
dog to a comedy gig put me off. Then the thought of taking it home
to a bemused husband who won’t let me keep animals also put
me off.
I carried on for the rest of the night getting on
and off stage in various bars all the while thinking constantly
about that big dog.
I wish I had a pet.
When I got home, my daughter asked me how the rest
of my night went as she went off home after the first set in the
first pub.
“Mum did you tell dad about that sexy man you
were drooling over?”
Husband smiled at me, I winked and Ashley said “Dad,
he was so gorgeous and mum was so shameful trying to sexually assault
him during the gig”
I looked at her and laughed out loud and replied
“When you left he gave me his number, he snogged me in the
street and told me in his Swedish accent that I am the sexiest woman
he has ever met”
Ashley screamed and said “Did you really kiss
him in the street?”
“No, not really I met a junkie and a cool dog called Mesopotamia”
Sunday the 26th of March 2006
06:19:57 PM
Last Night Show…
The venue was heaving with people; Bar Bluu on Glasgow’s
Trongate was the bar my one woman show was being held last night.
Downstairs Ashley had set up the camera and my mate
Rob was coming along to make sure the filming went ok, as Ashley
was doing her karaoke gig elsewhere.
There were too many people not enough seats, so
I managed to get the restaurant upstairs to bring down some more
seats and get everyone comfortable for the show.
The gig sold out and some people had to be turned
away as we had no more room to let them in.
There was a lovely couple in their 70’s who
came along to celebrate their 50 years of marriage! Their family
asked them what they wanted for a gift and they asked to come see
my show! How amazing is that?
So they sat in the front and we had a great laugh
with them what a cool couple they were, so open minded and up for
a laugh.
I did about two hours on stage, I really loved it
and the show went so well, most of the stuff was unscripted some
of the shorter bits I had done before, but generally it was a whole
new show!
I have the film and am having it edited tonight,
it will have clips go on livedigital alongside my other downloads
and photos, they host it for me and it’s so cool, such a great
site to be honest.
I am on BBC Radio 5 live on Monday night talking
about this blog as my new show is Janey Godley’s Blog Live!
and it goes to Soho Theatre before it goes to Edinburgh Fringe.
So tonight I am chilling out as its Mothers Day and I am having a rest.
Tuesday the 28th of March 2006
09:47:31 PM
My Blog Live!
I am thinking about trying to do my three week-one
hour nightly show at the Edinburgh Fringe to stream live on the
web?
It means I will need to find somewhere to host it,
but it also means people from all over the globe can sit at home
and watch an Edinburgh Fringe show live in their house!
Other than that piece of innovative thinking, I
have been doing nothing but paperwork and trying to get organised.
I am so lazy one minute and thinking so many things
the next.
Ashley is the devil incarnate just now, what the
fuck is wrong with my 19 year old? She wakes up and is actually
the scariest fucker in the world….it takes her hours to be
normal and even tempered. When she was a toddler, she was the happiest
wee girl in the world; she used to actually wake up singing!
Now she is like Myra Hindley the child killer on
crack. I may have to kill her and pretend she has run away.
Glasgow went ‘No Smoking’ on Sunday and
all the streets are lined with people standing outside bars smoking
in the freezing cold! That’s all we need…really angry
Scottish people, the heart disease rate has gone down but people
are stabbing each other in fury!
I haven’t been out to a bar or café
yet so I have no idea how people are coping.
The law states that you cannot smoke indoors in
any public building…I think publicans will build wee out-houses
with gas heaters to stop the smokers getting pneumonia, they may
never get cancer but they will get hypothermia!
So it is Tuesday and Ashley and I have been writing
sketches for our show at the Fringe and its been fun, she really
can make me laugh (but not in the mornings).
Husband meanwhile is planning on faking his own
death and running away as we both are very volatile performers and
he is Aspergers man with no imagination, yet seems to think it is
ok to interrupt our flow of creativity to say something really fucking
obscure that no audience will ever understand UNLESS they have Autism
or Aspergers! Maybe he can do his own show
“My opinion on Barbed wire, unleavened bread,
Lawrence of Arabia and films about Religion”
Because he can talk for hours on these subjects,
I am serious; this man natters on about the most unbelievable mundane,
uninteresting subjects and knows fucking shed loads of shit about
them.
It must be hard being him -caught in the cross fire of two very sharp minded, fast talking, quick thinking females who can talk for Scotland.
Thursday the 30th of March 2006
12:09:01 AM
Strange Man in the street…
I walked to the shops today; Glasgow was bright
but very cold. We even had a partial eclipse of the sun today and
I partially missed it! I looked up and tried not to burn my eyes,
saw something in the sky….could have been big fat pigeon blocking
the sun am not sure but I felt I should mention it.
Anyway, I managed to record my second Live Blog
today and you can check it out on Livedigital.com just go to the
home page and put my name in- Janey Godley and it will take you
to my video’s and media sorry I had to make you work for it
-as some of these blog pages don’t support a link!
So there I was walking to the shops and I saw a
man coming towards me, he made eye contact and smiled, I smiled
and walked on.
Then I felt a hand on my shoulder and I turned quickly
to face the guy I had just passed.
“Janey?” He asked.
“Sorry. Do I know you?” I replied.
“Yes, we went to school together, I am Steven;
I was your date for the dance in 1977” he smiled.
I felt my heart stop…I did recall him, Holy
Crap I used to have a big crush on him when I was 16, and there
stood this old man with a baldy head, big fat stomach, sagging jaw
line and grey bristly beard!
I smiled and looked past him at the big furniture
shop and saw my own reflection in the window.
I had a scruffy pony tail in my hair, half of it
falling out and blowing over my face, my combat trousers looked
like they were fighting with my fat arse and with no make up on
I looked like his mother.
“You look great” He said (liar) “Listen
I saw you on TV and told everyone that I used to go out with you”
he added.
“Actually we didn’t go out together you
were never my boyfriend” I answered.
“We did” He insisted.
“Listen…nice to meet you again, I need
to go I am very old and mental and have seventeen cats to feed”
I lied and ran off.
What a bastard, but boy did that bring it all home
to me.
I can’t believe I am middle aged, I never saw
it in me until I saw it in him.
He was gorgeous back in the 1970’s. Tall, slim and with thick dark hair and moody blue eyes, he didn’t actually like me back then and took me to the dance and then told me it was because he did it for a bet.
I had spent a whole week terribly excited back then
at the prospect that he fancied me and was horribly crushed when
he laughed at me…..sounds like a scene from then horror film
‘Carrie’ except I wasn’t capable of sticking a stiletto
into his forehead and throwing pots of blood around! If only!
I am sure when he saw me again he was glad he never
really did fancy me, fuck I look old and scraggy.
I really need to re think my wardrobe, I need to put in make up and maybe comb the crazy fuck off hair before I leave the house….just in case George Clooney is looking for me, you never know.
Thursday the 30th of March 2006
11:55:30 PM
Owl Man is here!
So tonight for the first time, Glasgow Jongleurs
was NO smoking…!
I have stopped so it was easy for me (well so far...one
day stoppage does not an expert make).
Anyway the crowd were lovely and laughed along fine
until I mentioned my funny exchange with Owl Man, for those who
have read that blog from last week; Owl Man was the bloke who was
stood outside a shopping centre with his collection of woodland
owls and birds of prey.
I was telling the audience how he was marching around
with a big leather gauntlet on shouting “Does anyone want to
stroke a hawk” the absurdity of this situation made me piss
myself laughing, so I told the audience and one crowd screamed and
pointed to this man sitting at the end of their table, one woman
shouted “Its him, he is owl man”
I stopped in mid sentence and asked him “Are
you that strange man with the owls and collection of woodland birds”
“Yes” He replied…Owl man was in the
house!
“How many birds do you have” I asked him
as the audience all stared at him.
“30 owls and fourteen various birds of prey”
He smartly and proudly answered.
“Ok, don’t you think you should just let
them all go free?” I asked as the audience cheered.
“No, they are all hand raised” He replied.
“Yes, but not by fucking accident, you bred
wee owls and birds and keep them tethered to posts” I got annoyed.
“They are entertainers!” he answered.
“Just because something is nailed to a bit
of wood doesn’t make it entertainment, Terry Waite the hostage
who was tied to a radiator wasn’t an entertainer, Jesus was
nailed to a cross but no one shouted up to him ‘Hey Jesus do
that funny dance you normally do’ did they? Come on let them
all go free” I laughed.
“Well, it is good to let inner city kids see
Owls and Hawks, they may have never seen an owl or hawk” he
argued.
“Listen mate I know inner city kids who have
never seen balsamic vinegar or avocados, but I don’t stand
outside shopping malls shoving them into their faces” I added.
The audience was laughing, the guy was laughing
I wasn’t being as argumentative as this blog suggests, then
it came to me and I stopped and laughed and asked him seriously
“Listen mate, imagine you were having the most amazing blow
job and right at the perfect moment your phone rang and someone
shouted down the line ‘Keith, there has been a eagle spotted
at the end of your street sitting beside a dead cat, go quick and
get it’ would you jump out of the bed and run after an eagle
with your professional bird catching equipment or would you sit
back and enjoy the blow job” The whole crowd laughed loudly
as Owl man debated this….
I even got the whole crowd to go ‘Whoo whoo’
like an owl and asked him if it made him horny…honestly it
was so funny-can you believe I met owl man?
So tonight I have stopped smoking for one whole day and it feels so good, no numb limbs, no ear pain and that fucking smoking ban will never annoy me!